And Josh...well, after second semester started, and Sawyer and I came up with a schedule that got us four out of five classes together plus a free "study" period, I didn't see him much. The school wasn't big enough for me to never see him again, but without a class together, the contact we had was pretty minimal - brushing past each other in the hall, watching him fight with his girlfriend across campus, or occasionally spotting him talking with Will on the steps of the main building as Sawyer and I approached for first period.
He didn't speak much to me, and he didn't try and start anything either. It was almost like I'd become invisible to him. Almost. Sometimes, I'd catch him watching me from the other end of the hall or staring at me a little longer than was necessary as we passed by each other on the stairs.
I didn't know what he thought of me, if he still hated me, still blamed me. I'd thought to ask Beth what he'd said about me during their sessions, but decided against it. What she and I discussed was nothing I'd want her to talk about with anyone else, not that she would, and I had to believe that Josh felt the same.
It was nearly three months after our brief words to each other in the principal's office, when I was sure we'd never speak again, that we ran into each other in the first floor men's room. I was washing my hands when he walked in the door. I looked up in the mirror automatically and my eyes did a double take when I registered him standing in the open frame. His eyes locked with mine, and for a second, I was sure he was going to leave. No one else was in here and I was pretty sure Josh didn't want to be alone with me.
Surprisingly, he didn't. He sniffed and looked down, then walked into the room, letting the door swing closed behind him. I stepped away from the sink, wiping my hands off on my jeans, and wondering what to say to him. He kept his head down and made like he was going to go to a stall, to shut me out. But then he paused and looked back at me.
I swallowed and my face softened at the haggard look on his. His dark eyes had nearly as dark of circles underneath them. His dark hair was shaggy and unkempt, as disheveled as his baggy clothes under his baggy letterman's jacket. He looked more tired than I'd ever seen him, and I couldn't help but think that no matter the struggles we'd gone through earlier in the year, I wanted to see him smiling and happy again. A tiny part of me even wanted him to start attacking me again. Even if his smile had been a vindictive one back then, it had at least been a smile.
My brow furrowed in concern for him. "Are you...okay?" It occurred to me then, that even though Josh had a circle of friends, none of them were probably that invested in his happiness. Josh didn't exactly have a "Sawyer" to look after him.
He blinked, seemingly taken back that I'd ask him that. He started to shake his head, like he was going to say he was fine, but then he sighed and seemed to slump. "No," he whispered. "I miss him."
I swallowed and nodded, walking over to stand in front of Josh. He looked up at me, blinking slowly, like he wanted to sleep, but hadn't been able to in a really long time. I completely understood that. "I do too...every day."
Josh nodded and looked at our feet. He was silent for long seconds and I started to think that maybe he'd said all he was going to say to me. I debated turning to leave, when he spoke again. "You swear you were sober...?"
I bit my lip and swallowed back the lump that suddenly seized up my throat. Josh peeked up at me, just a hint of anger in his dark eyes as he waited for my answer, waited to see if I'd be truthful. I slowly nodded and my voice was thick when it finally came out. "I swear, Josh. I swear on his grave. It was just a really horrible...accident."
Relief coursed through me as that word passed my lips, relief and a small trickle of peace. It had been an accident and finally admitting that to someone, made me feel a thousand times lighter. Josh cocked his head, gauging the sincerity in my voice. Finally, he swallowed and looked down again, but not before I saw the tears start to form. I let him keep his emotion hidden from me, let him keep his head down.
I put my hand on his shoulder, clenching it hard. "I'm so sorry, Josh. If I could do that night over..." I didn't finish that. It was pretty much implied anyway that of course I'd do things differently. I just didn't know what.
What had happened wasn't something that I could have prevented without some foresight of what was going to happen. At the time I'd been doing what I could to be a responsible friend, driving my other drunken friends home. Maybe I could have slowed my speed, maybe I could have made sure my friends were safely buckled. But really, would that have changed the outcome? I felt another trickle of peace come into me. I'd done what I could...the rest hadn't been up to me.
Josh looked up at my touch, his cheeks wet, and nodded solemnly. I wanted to hug him, but didn't really want to stress this tenuous connection we were having. Wanting to help in some way, but not knowing how, I removed my hand and awkwardly put it back in my pocket. "I hear you got sent to Mrs. Ryans."
He nodded, his eyes guarded, and I continued with a shrug of my shoulders. "Yeah. I wasn't too thrilled to see her at first either." I looked down and added quietly, "She really helped me though."
I bit my lip to not ask him if she had helped him, if she still was helping him. I slyly peeked up at him, to read his face. He was staring away from me, gazing at the door. I wondered if he was debating leaving, but instead of moving, he spoke, "She has been helping, I guess. It's hard...but I'm starting to like talking to her."
I looked up and he met my gaze. Smiling, I nodded at him. "Good."
The silence stretched between us as we simply looked at each other. Thinking Sawyer was going to bust in here looking for me, I shifted to move. My adjustment broke our silent stare down and as my head twisted to the door, he spoke again.
"Do you still feel like killing yourself?" I hesitated and looked back at him, wondering if he knew about the highway. His eyes watered again as his face became tragically sad. He lightly shook his head and with a wavering voice said, "Does that ever go away?"
Finally understanding that he wasn't really talking about my mental state, that he was talking about his own, I turned back to him, putting my hand on his shoulder. "No, I don't want to die anymore." Pointedly meeting his eye, I calmly said, "It gets better. Day by day...it does get better."
He swallowed and nodded, his head hanging down again. Deciding it was warranted, I gave him a swift hug. "Call me if you need to, Josh." He mumbled something sounding like an agreement as he loosely hugged me back.
Feeling like Josh needed a minute alone to pull himself back together, I made my way to the door. As I was opening it, I heard him say, "I'm sorry for drugging you, Lucas."
I looked back at his sad, tired face, wondering if I'd ever again see that kid I used to know. I nodded at him and made my way out to the hallway, where Sawyer immediately grasped my hand and asked me if I was okay. I chuckled at her never ending concern and told her everything that had just happened.
Later with Beth, I repeated the encounter. She didn't seem surprised to hear it and I thought maybe Josh had told her already. It pleased me that he was opening up to her as well. Again my hope for him soared. We talked more about Josh and then our conversation shifted to the topic it had started shifting to of late, Sawyer and I.
I talked openly to Beth about everything - past and present, and my virginal status was no exception. As the months of a comforting relationship with Sawyer went by, I started to feel something that surprised me a little. I started to feel like I wanted to move forward with her, beyond what I'd done with any girl. That was a pretty big step for me, considering the fact that I'd been holding out for a dead girl for a really long time now.
Expecting a typical 'wait until you're married' response from the adult across from me, I was pretty surprised when she said she thought that was fine, as long as we were ready, emotionally and physically. She cautioned me to be safe with our bodies and our hearts. I found that much more helpful advice.
As it turned out, the physical aspect of safety wasn't an issue. Sawyer had confessed to me one night, during a frankly honest conversation, that her parents had put her on the pill after her suicide attempt, when the truth behind her reason for the attempt had come out. They'd assumed a 'better safe than sorry' approach to the whole matter and Sawyer hadn't felt the need to tell them it was an unnecessary precaution, since she wasn't planning on sleeping with anyone ever again after her one awful experience. Of course, once she'd met me, taking the pill had seemed wise to her too and she'd continued with it. It made me flush, thinking of how soon into our meeting that she'd been interested in me...like that.
She'd been responsible enough her first time, that they'd used a condom. That turned out to be a good thing, since he'd turned out to be a two or three or six timing a**hole. Since she was protected from pregnancy now, thanks to her overprotective parents, and both of our fairly inexperienced bodies were completely healthy, she'd told me that when we were ready to go there, she didn't want a condom barrier with me. She didn't want anymore barriers between us, physical or otherwise. The entire revelation made me oddly happy. I'd be the first man to be inside her, skin to skin (and hopefully the last). It wasn't exactly virginity, but it was enough to make me feel like I'd have a lifelong claim on her. Wow, I guess I was a little possessive.
That made our bodies pretty safe and sound, leaving just our hearts to consider. And as we spent more and more time together intimately, loving each other with tender kisses and caresses, I felt more and more at ease with the future of our hearts. She loved me...and I loved her. Now that I wasn't holding a part of myself away from her, the level of love I felt was nearly astonishing. It was something I'd convinced myself I'd never feel again for a living person. And I wanted to show her how deeply I felt it, but I wanted to make sure I was ready for the right reasons. Well, to be honest, I held off partially because of nerves. But mainly, I held off because I wanted to make sure the moment had nothing to do with Lillian.
I hadn't dreamt of my friends since they'd said goodbye to me, and I felt relief and sadness from that. I knew it was all in my head, but then again, I'd known that all along. That didn't make the fantasy any less addicting, knowing it was fake. It had almost made it better, since I'd had some level of control, although never as much as I'd wanted. But still, a part of me wanted that fantasy back, if anything, just to say goodbye less painfully. It eluded me though and my dreams were constantly...forgettable.
As Sawyer and I got even closer to each other, I took this to be a good thing, like Lillian's absence was her way of saying, 'go ahead, live your life. I won't interfere'. I wanted to tell Sawyer that. I wanted to tell her that I was finally ready to go through that final step with her, that I'd let my past with Lillian go. Days later, when we were in my room after baseball practice, that she had stayed to watch, as she often did, I lazily ran my fingers through her hair as she lay beside me on my bed, and thought maybe I finally could.
My mom had the night off from the diner and was having a nice dinner with Sheriff Whitney. Since their relationship had gone "public", they'd decided to tell his wife the truth. They had decided to do it together, and I'd supported their decision. A real relationship couldn't be continued on lies, from either party. From what I'd heard later from my mom, his wife hadn't been surprised by the announcement.