"I can't... I can't..." I mumbled between our kiss.
Her hands came up to my cheeks, her scars still visible to me in my watery peripheral. "You can...I'll help you. I love you."
I saw a patch of stale sunlight illuminate the top of my mom's car behind her and knew the storm was passing, moving on to another location. Panic seized me; it felt like my window of opportunity was closing. Like, If I didn't do this now, while the conditions were similar to that night, then I'd never be able to do it...
I shook my head and stepped back from her. The rain around me was shifting to a gentle shower. I was running out of time. My breath started coming in sharp pulls - I had to do this. "I'm sorry...I'm not as strong as you, Sawyer." I backed away farther and her hand snaked out to grab the wet dress shirt clinging to my shaking body. She grabbed the top and pulled, trying to keep me near her, her eyes wide.
"You are! You're stronger than you think." She shook her head, her hair sticking to her neck. A patch of brighter sunlight hit her and for a moment, she truly did look like the angel she was. I'd miss her so much.
"You're wonderful, Lucas." Her other hand came up to clutch at my shirt, pulling me into her. "You're warm and funny and loving. You belong here...with me."
My voice came out in a sob as I tried to remove her fingers from my clothes. "I'm not supposed to be here..." I successfully removed her hands and clenched them in mine, wanting her to understand that I needed to do this and I needed to do it alone. "Please...leave, Sawyer. You shouldn't have to see this."
Dropping her hands, I turned to sprint back to the Camaro. I'd find another way around her if she wasn't going to move. The rain was stopping, I needed to hurry. But Sawyer wasn't about to let me go without a fight. As I turned, she flung her arms around my waist, physically restraining me with everything inside her small body. I twisted in her arms, struggling to break free. "Stop, Sawyer, let me go!"
She sobbed into my back, her voice nearly muffled from our struggle. "No, I'll never let go, Luc!"
We struggled together, but I was stronger than her. I eventually pulled us both into the middle of the highway. I started to panic as we became more exposed to the open road. It would serve my purpose if a car flew around the corner and struck me, but I didn't want to see Sawyer get hurt. Panic gave me the extra edge I needed to break away from Sawyer's adrenaline-filled grasp. I finally extracted myself and gave her a shove, merely intending to stall her, to give me the time I needed to get back to the car.
As I made a run for it, my head turned to watch her as she landed harshly on the ground. Her hands behind her broke her fall, but it still looked like it had hurt and for a second, I debated turning around to help her. But I felt sunlight on my face and not raindrops, and I twisted back around to her still running car. I didn't have time to help her.
As I opened the door, I heard from behind me, "Don't you love me?"
She had yelled that and the sound of her question echoed throughout my entire body. I closed my eyes and inhaled deep. Turning, I opened them to see her standing in the middle of the road, her arms outstretched to her sides. Her face held more fear, anger and love than I'd ever seen on someone.
"Yes," I said, simply.
Her hands clenched into fists as she stared across the road at me. I flicked quick glances up and down the street, praying that she'd move before she got hurt. Seemingly in synch again, her words sort of echoed my thoughts.
"You said you'd never hurt me." She pointed over to the embankment I was so aching to go over. "This will hurt me, Lucas!"
I slumped as I watched her. This would be my only regret, and she knew that. She was digging her finger in the one wound that made this an almost difficult decision for me. I would miss her and I had no desire to hurt her. I couldn't see a way around that though...and it was too late to stop.
"Please...forgive me," I begged.
She stalked over to where I was standing in the open door. A part of me relaxed that she was now safe, a part of me worried that since she'd succeeded in making me pause, she'd now succeed in making me stop, and then I'd fail. I didn't want to fail. I couldn't live like this anymore...I didn't want to.
She stepped right up to me, pressing her wet, shivering body into mine. "No, I don't forgive you. I'll never forgive you for this."
My face fell as she confirmed that my biggest regret, was a warranted one. "But...but you understand." My hand reached down to her wrist, lifting it.
She understood the reference and shook her head, lifting her other wrist level with the first. "These were mistakes that I somehow managed to live through." She shook her head again and then grabbed my face. "Don't make my mistake."
Confusion flooded through me, as the sound of dripping water filled my ears; water dripping from leaves and branches, not the sky. The storm had stopped. The sound was reminiscent of that night, of the water dripping in the car. I shivered, and not from the cold.
"Mistake?" I whispered, not understanding the simple word. The only mistake I saw was my life being allowed to continue. I was supposed to die. It was fated, and you don't mess with fate.
My eyes had drifted to the ravine and she brought my attention back to her. "Yes, Luc...mistake. You were meant to live. You were saved." She shook her head lightly, her face soft with compassion. "You were spared...just like me."
I was shaking my head, fresh tears falling, but she continued before I could object. "Would you rather I was dead, Lucas? That I hadn't survived?" I violently shook my head and drew her into me. No, I couldn't imagine that fate. She exhaled brokenly into my soaked shoulder, her arms going around my neck. "That's the same way I feel about you." Her hand twisted into my slick hair and she pulled back to gaze at me intently. "You're my miracle. Don't take that from me."
I felt something crack in me and wanted to object, but words failed me. It felt like the window had fully closed, snapped shut, never to be reopened. I'd missed my chance. Despair crept into those cracks and a soft sob escaped me. Sawyer lovingly stroked my cheek. "I love you, Lucas. Heart and soul, I love you. I can't imagine a world without you in it. Please...stay."
I still couldn't answer, sobs were stealing my words. The grief I felt within me, welled to such a painful point that I thought I might break apart. I'd never see Lil again. I'd never see any of them again. As my determination failed me, I started to feel the icy cold that I'd been standing in for awhile. My body started to shake in earnest as the wet clothes stuck to my wet skin, creating a coldness on the outside that matched the coldness of my hollowed out inside.
Sawyer stroked my shaking arms, ignoring how her own wet body was shaking just as badly. "Stay here," she whispered. "Stay here with me. We'll figure it out together."
The coldness and loneliness overwhelmed me, finally broke me. I sank into the seat and lay over my knees, sobbing. She knelt down with me, her hands caressing my back. She murmured words of love and encouragement while my pain came out in soft wails. When I could breathe through the torture, I mumbled into my knees.
"They're gone...they're all gone."
She murmured in my ear in response. "I know, Luc. But I'm not gone. I'm right here...and I'm not going anywhere. Neither me nor your mom are going to leave you." As she spoke, I felt her reach over me and shut off the car. My sobbing increased.
It was an empty promise; no one can say they are never going to leave, not with life as unpredictable as it could be; I understood that better than most. But the words gave me the faintest glimmer of something anyway. Something that nearly felt like everything was going to be okay, and I struggled to hold onto it, to absorb it into me so it could outweigh the crushing sadness. But it was a slippery emotion, and I failed to grasp it time and again, as I bent over and continued my sobbing.
I heard words escape through my tears, although I had no control over saying them. "They abandoned me...Lil abandoned me...."
I heard myself repeating it over and over in a nearly maniacal way, and Sawyer continued her soothing tone and soothing movements, repeatedly saying, "They didn't, Luc...they died. No one left you...they were taken from you. There's a difference..."
"Oh god, Sawyer...they're really gone..." The crying started in earnest at that point.
I don't know how long she comforted my crying body, but eventually in the distance I heard a siren approaching. I didn't look up from my lap as the siren got louder and louder. I mumbled more words, some coherent, some not, and Sawyer gave me comforting responses in return, always assuring me that she was here, that she wasn't leaving.
Her hands rubbed warm patches into my back as my head rested on my knees. The siren stopped and I heard a door open in the distance, but it sounded foggy, like I was hearing it through a tunnel. I thought maybe I was going to pass out from the strain, but somehow consciousness stayed with me. And then, through that haze, I heard a voice calling my name in a panic. I lifted my head, confused as to who was calling for me. I ruefully noticed the blue patches of cloudless sky above me, marred by only a few gray swatches of stormy clouds now, and those not looking like there was a drop of rain left in them. I'd failed. Some tiny, tiny part of my brain felt relief in that as Sawyer held me.
The yeller of my name became apparent to me as Sawyer's body was moved aside, and none too gently, to make room for my mom. Sawyer stepped back, her stormy eyes never leaving my face, as my mom squatted in front of me. She threw her arms around me and squeezed so tight I couldn't fully inhale. I let her. Guilt filled me as she began to sob. The guilt increased tenfold when she started to sob apologies.
"I'm so sorry, Luc. I'm so sorry I lied." A figure stepped behind her, placing a hand on her shoulder.
I looked up from my mom to the sheriff standing by Sawyer in the open car door. His face was solemn, his steel eyes watery. He blinked a few times and lightly shook his head. "I'm sorry too, Luc. We should have told you."
I dropped my head and shut my eyes. I hadn't wanted to see their pain. It was so much easier to imagine them years after the fact, when they were already over me. But my absence would have been just as painful for them as my friend's absence was for me. Maybe worse, since they'd have the added guilt of feeling like they'd pushed me over the edge...which they hadn't, not specifically anyway. It was multiple small events that had made this overly large reaction seem the only way out. As I shifted my focus between my mom, the sheriff and Sawyer, clarity filled me again, a less dramatic clarity than before, but no less profound. I didn't want to hurt the people who loved me. I didn't want them to feel the pain I felt. I didn't want them to feel responsible for my death, the way I felt responsible for my friends'.
I didn't want...to die.
I slung my arms around my mom and held her to me. While she sobbed in my arms, my eyes locked with Sawyer's behind her. "I'm sorry," I said softly, speaking to both of them.
They both nodded, my mom on the verge of an emotional breakdown in my arms. Finally Sheriff Whitney pulled her back. She turned in his arms and embraced him in a way I'd never seen her embrace anyone. I stared at them a moment, at the obvious love between them and thought maybe my mom was right. Maybe I was too young to understand their situation. I inhaled deeply, releasing it slowly. I may be too young to fully understand it, but I wasn't too young to condemn it solely on principle. Who was I to judge where two people found love?