I closed my eyes and sighed, wishing I didn't have to do this. Wishing my friends were sitting in their seats, laughing at me making a spectacle of myself. But wishing changes nothing and this was my reality, a reality I needed to share tonight. "Darren, Lil and Sammy were drinking...Darren was very drunk. I'd been drinking soda, so I took the keys from him." I looked up and out at the crowd. Silence had hit the gym again upon my words and I found an odd sort of strength from that. I'd been sort of worried that some disbeliever would have stood up and started verbally abusing me at that point, but everyone was still seated, listening.
"The wreck wasn't caused because I'd been...messed up." I closed my eyes. "It was that freak rainstorm. We hit it on the way home and Darren's car started hydroplaning on the road." I paused, feeling the slice of pain that always hit me at this point. I reopened my eyes and searched the audience until I connected with my mother's. I focused on the love I felt pouring from her and in a much quieter voice, continued. "I made a mistake. I was driving too fast and all I wanted was to stop...so I slammed on the brakes. I completely lost control of the car and we were right at that sharp corner. I couldn't do anything to stop us and we hit the rail hard...and went over." I kept my eyes on my mom's, tears streaming down her cheeks as she started to lightly cry. My voice cracked when it started again. "I made a mistake...and they all died because of it."
I looked back over the crowd and saw several faces with unshed tears and several more with wet cheeks. I was a little startled to realize that mine were wet as well. "They were my best friends and I miss them every day, and I know several of you feel the same way." I let my eyes drift back down to the seniors before me. "They would have loved to be here, graduating with us today."
I swallowed noisily. "I would give anything to be able to go back to that night a year ago, knowing what I know today, and change everything that happened. I'd leave earlier, or drive slower, or make us all walk home even." I sighed, knowing that once again, wishing did nothing. "No...I'd convince them all not to go in the first place. I'd convince them to stay at my place and stay safe. I know I can't go back and change anything, but, I'd give anything to have my friends...our friends back."
I sniffed and searched the thoughtful eyes of the students in front of me, most of them in tears. I stopped when my eyes came upon Sawyer's again. Hers were as wet as mine as she nodded her encouragement. "I've thought of joining them so many times. I thought everyone's life would be better if I'd never survived, if I was dead as well. And I wanted to die. I tried to...die with them." I looked back at my mom's face and registered the pale whiteness as her mind went back to that awful day by the highway, when I'd been set on taking my own life.
I swallowed and spoke directly at her. "I wanted to make everyone's life easier. I wanted my torture to end." I cocked my head as I watched her start to sob quietly in the stands. Neil put a comforting hand across her shoulders and pulled her to his side. Sawyer's parents, their faces as wet and distraught as my mom's, patted her back in sympathy. My eyes drifted from her down to Josh. He was staring at me wide-eyed with his mouth open. He hadn't known that I'd actually gone from wanting to die, to trying to make it happen. With a small voice I spoke to him. "But I can't change the past and I have to live with what I've done. And I will."
Peeling my eyes away from Josh's stricken face and my mom's pain, I inhaled a deep, cleansing breath and swept the room again. "If some of you still choose to believe the lies, and still choose to hate me...I won't hold that against you." I set my jaw and raised my chin. "But, I won't be joining you in hating me anymore. I made a mistake, a mistake that anyone could have made." My voice and face softened and I looked down and lightly shook my head. "I've taken my penance, and now...I'm moving forward. Now, I'll do what Darren, Sammy and Lillian would have wanted me to do." I looked back up, my eyes automatically going to Sawyer's beaming face. "Now, I'll live."
I stepped away from the podium and blinked a few times while I looked around. There was no stoic clapping like you'd expect after a speech like that, just a few sniffles and a few muttered words, and a sea of appraising, thoughtful faces. I wasn't sure if my speech had changed anyone's feelings about me - those who still believed the worst, after all this time, would probably always believe the worst, but I'd needed to do it and as I stepped down to rejoin my classmates, I felt a calm peace flowing through me that I had.
The principal quickly wrapped up the evening and then the entire gym erupted in celebration. I joined in. I'd done it. I'd made it through the year in more or less one piece. As the crowd of graduated students began to disperse, I found Sawyer and lifted her about a foot in the air. She squealed and hugged me tight, whispering how proud of me she was for my speech. I set her down and grabbed her face, giving her a long, slow kiss that didn't end until some of the students around us started clapping our backs to congratulate us.
Many more people gave me approving words for my silent tribute to our lost classmates than I'd thought would. Ms. Reynolds came up to me with tears on her cheeks, telling me my speech was beautiful. Mrs. Solheim approached me a minute later, making Sawyer laugh when she called me Tom. At hearing Sawyers' voice, she'd turned to acknowledge her and blinked, shaking her head, like she was looking at something that couldn't be real. Sawyer looked at her oddly, but I understood my flighty teacher's reaction. Mrs. Solheim probably thought she was seeing art come to life right in front of her face. I'd drawn and painted and sculpted various versions of Sawyer all year, and even though Mrs. Solheim had talked to Sawyer at the beginning of the school year, when Sawyer had been collecting homework assignments for me, I don't think she'd realized that my subject was an actual person until this very second.
As I watched my odd teacher recover herself and turn to float among the seniors, a hand clapped my back. I twisted to see Coach standing behind me. I blinked and shook my head, like I was seeing something that couldn't be real. Coach had actual tears in his eyes. With pride clear on his face, he clapped my shoulder and drew me in for a swift hug. That startled me too.
Quickly letting go, he crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back, appraising me. "That was nice, Luc...what you did." He lightly shook his head and gruffly said, "Stupid principal should have done it." I lightly smiled at that and nodded my agreement. He sniffed again, his eyes getting even mistier. Extending his hand to me, he spoke in a genuinely heartfelt voice, "You're a good man, Lucas. It's been an honor knowing you."
My eyes misted as well as I grabbed his hand and shook it. "You too, Coach." I heard Sawyer beside me sniffle and I put my arm around her waist as Coach and I released each other. She laid her head on my shoulder as I smiled at the much softer looking Coach in front of me. For once, we felt more like equals than a teacher and a student. I suppose that was a natural feeling to have after graduating though. He clasped my shoulder again, turning like he was leaving.
"Coach?" I said as he twisted. He looked back at me with raised eyebrows and I again saw the resemblance to me that Darren used to tease me constantly about. One day I'd have to ask Mom if we were related. Maybe distant cousins or something? "Thank you, for your help with college."
He smirked and shook his head. "That was all you, Lucas." Abruptly his face got that stern "coach" look that he could do so well. "But don't make me look bad in front of my sister's husband."
I smiled and shook my head as he walked off.
Several students came up to Sawyer and me after that, offering congratulations and appreciations for my speech. Even Will came up to me and grudgingly told me that my moment of silence was a nice thing to do. Of course, then he tried to make me fall as Sawyer and I headed for the bleachers to rejoin our parents. It wasn't as if Will had instantly grown up since being handed an honorific piece of paper.
Shaking my head at his weak attempt, I clasped Sawyer's hand and we headed over to where her parents were animatedly talking with my mom and Neil. Sawyer's mom had wet cheeks and her face beamed when she glanced at me. I suddenly had the thought that she'd finally seen me as a potential husband for her daughter tonight, and she approved. I couldn't help but smile at that thought.
Just as we took the first step to climb up to them, Josh stepped down to stand in front of me. His face was tired and currently blank, but his dark eyes looked like they'd been wrung out a couple times. I motioned for Sawyer to go ahead, telling her I'd be there in a minute. She nodded and squeezed my hand before letting go.
Josh's eyes watched her leave before slowly turning back to mine. I swallowed, waiting for him to speak to me. After another couple seconds of silence, he finally did. "That was really nice...what you did for Darren, for all of them. Thank you."
I felt my eyes watering and didn't know what to say in return. I felt myself nodding and saying, "They deserved some recognition...especially today." My voice was soft and a touch hoarse.
Josh's eyes watered as well and he clapped me on the shoulder before twisting to walk past me on the stairs. I turned to watch him leave, mentally wishing him a happier year next year. Once on the gym floor, he turned to look back at me. His eyes studied mine for a moment before he nodded and quietly said, "I believe you, Lucas. Good luck next year."
Those damn tears in my eyes trailed down my cheeks as I nodded and told him my earlier silent well wishes out loud. He nodded back to me, and then turned and disappeared into the sea of robed students and their parents milling about the gym floor.
After congratulatory hugs from Sawyer's mom and surprisingly, her dad as well, I was engulfed by my mother, who sobbed and told me repeatedly that she loved me and was very proud of me. I tried to pull away from her near hysterics, but then I stopped and let the slight woman cry on my shoulder as long as she needed to. I'd done something to her when I'd tried to stop my life and this was her way of healing. I wouldn't deny her that.
When she was finally more put together, Neil gave me a swift hug and a handshake, and took her hand, leading her from the gym, back to his home, where they were probably going to make love all evening. I closed my eyes and shook my head after having that thought. I said goodbye to Sawyer's parents, who had a word with Sally before leaving the gym and heading home alone. By the look on their faces as they waved at the door, Sally had convinced them that Sawyer was indeed going to her party.
I gave her a sly smile as I realized why she hadn't broken the news to her friend yet. She gave me a wry smile back, her adorable dimple smiling at me too. "Sally is an awful liar. Now that she's convinced my parents that I'm really going to be at her house all night, I'm pretty much free until morning," she explained. Giving me a quick kiss she added, "I'm going to go tell her what's really up."
I smiled as she pulled away, but then frowned. "Do your parents still not trust you?"
She laughed and stepped back into me, her arms going around my neck as she leaned up for a kiss. "They trust me fine. But you? They're pretty sure you would use any opportunity to get into my pants." She laughed again and I laughed with her.