I settled back in my seat while the robed students in front of me shifted, preparing for a least an hour of tedium. I looked behind me at the students and parents watching their loved ones, looking for my mom. I found her right away. She was sitting almost directly behind me in the center of the bottom section of bleachers. She was sitting in-between Sawyer's mom and Neil, but she wasn't looking my way, she was bent down in conversation with someone sitting in front of her.
My eyes widened when I realized who she was talking too. I don't think I could have been more surprised. She was talking to Josh. I wasn't sure what startled me more, the fact that she was actually having what looked like a serious conversation with him, a hand supportively on his shoulder, or the fact that he'd actually come to the ceremony. He had no real reason to be here. I mean, he had a few friends in the class, but he was probably going to see them at some after party anyway. Why sit through the pomp and circumstance if you didn't have to?
They finished their conversation, my mom leaning down to give him a swift hug. I remembered then, that my mom didn't know all of the things Josh had said and done to me over the year. All she knew, was that he was Darren's little brother, and that he was probably as broken up over the loss as I was. I was instantly glad that I'd never told her about any of his torments. He may have been an ass to me, but he deserved my mother's kindness. Even if he had implied that she was a whore.
Josh, looking a little uncomfortable, loosely returned her hug and then nodded politely at Neil before twisting around to face front again. I could hear the principal start the ceremony and the room quiet down as people turned to listen. I ignored it and kept my gaze on Josh. He stared right back at me, his face blank. Finally, one edge of his lip lifted to a smile. I smiled at seeing it, figuring that was the best I was going to get. It was something though, and much better than him flinging a rock at me.
I twisted around to listen to the monotonous tones of the principal as she went about her prepackaged speech. I spaced out as her level voice lulled me into a semi-conscious state. I thought about the year and everything that had happened. I thought about the people I loved now and the people I'd loved then. I thought about my friends and how they should be here for this.
Ms. Reynolds had confessed that the school had agonized over what to do for them. Some members of the faculty had wanted to have a memorial during the ceremony, showing slides of them and having some students give speeches. My stomach had twisted at the thought of having to sit through that. I wasn't sure if I could, even after all this time.
Some other teachers had wanted to only do a symbolic memorial, saving empty seats and acknowledging their names in the correct places among the other students, pointing them out, but not dwelling on the tragedy. I thought that would have been a really decent thing to do.
But, a few of the more vocal teachers, and I'm assuming Mr. Varner was among these, had raised quite a ruckus over the whole thing, insisting that there had been memorials over the summer and the students had had the entire year with a grief counselor on staff to deal with their pain. They felt that graduation should only celebrate the accomplishments of the living, and the dead shouldn't be brought up during such a joyous time.
I had been really offended by that. Especially since I was pretty sure that the teachers complaining just wanted to speed up the whole ordeal so their summers could start already. Unfortunately, the principal had agreed with the louder faculty members and nothing was being done. On the anniversary of my friends' tragic deaths, nothing was being done to honor them. The longer I sat in my hard backed chair, the longer that thought didn't sit well with me.
They were people, people I loved dearly. Not "events" that could be tossed aside because bringing them up might make some people uncomfortable. I knew it would be hard for me to hear their names and be reminded of their absence, but it was their right. They'd struggled through years of learning. They'd all been decent, if not good students. They'd all participated in the extra circular activities and had been active members of the community. They'd all been loved. They would have graduated, with honors, if their lives had continued normally. Well, Darren would have just squeaked by, but I'm positive he would have graduated.
They deserved better than being swept under the rug. They deserved their recognition.
Chapter 25
A Time to Say Goodbye
As the hour of long speeches and 'make your life mean something' well wishes finally passed, the first rows of students stood to make their way to the stage. They were antsy as they waited in a line while the principal addressed them one at a time. A spattering of applause came after each name as that student grabbed their coiled piece of symbolic paper.
Occasionally one student's name would inspire greater applause than another. That was usually due to a small prank that student was pulling (although no one tried anything as dramatic as flashing the crowd, like Darren would have). Sometimes it was because that student was perceived as popular, like the thunderous noises Brittany received. But I knew better than anyone that popularity didn't have anything to do with worthiness, and I was content with the fact that I'd probably only receive a near silent, polite form of clapping.
Finally, my row stood to a burst of applause (that I think had more to do with the fact that we were the last row, than the student's name currently being called) and we made our way to the waiting area. Sawyer looked back at me when her name was the next to be called and gave me a dazzling smile. I smiled back, happy that after all was said and done, I'd still have her. That warmth was going to stay with me for several years to come, maybe forever.
Her name was finally called and I brought my fingers to my mouth, whistling in a near ear-splitting sort of way for her. Her applause had been decently loud anyway (she had done a much better job of integrating herself this year than I had), but I liked doing my part to help her feel wanted. It was the least I could do.
She giggled as she took her diploma and shook the principal's hand. Her cheeks were flushed from the slight embarrassment of everyone's eyes on her, and she was gorgeous to me as she headed down the stairs on the other side of the gym. She kept eyes with me as she walked back to her seat, a wry smile on her lips and a slight shake to her head. She was well aware that I'd created the ruckus. I chuckled as I watched her sit down.
By then, I was next in line, and the last to go up. A silence hit the room the second before my name was called. I felt the heat of every set of eyes on me and raised my chin, determined to make it through this. Some people still thought poorly of me, and most couldn't help but think of the tragedy when they looked at me, but I didn't need to let my sorrowful past define me. As Sawyer had told me once, we can choose who we want to be.
"Lucas Michael West," the principal flatly intoned.
The applause started off just as light as I'd imagined it would, but by the time I made it to the center of the stage, it was significantly louder. Not anywhere near the level that Brittany's saunter across the stage had inspired, but elevated nonetheless. A smile crept up to the corner of my lip as I let the acceptance I'd been so sure I'd never get wash over me. I let my own acceptance wash over me as well. What was that Beth had told me? You can't accept forgiveness from others, until you forgive yourself? My smile widened as I let myself bask in that forgiveness. It felt better than I'd felt in awhile.
I firmly grabbed the principal's hand and shook it, taking my diploma with my other hand. She gave me a tight lipped smile and a brief nod of her head. Her handshake was crisp, brief and to the point - you've graduated, great, next please. After we'd separated, she started turning back to the microphone, obviously assuming that I'd continue down the stage and make my way to my seat without her direction. I didn't intend to do that yet though.
Fighting a sudden nervous knot in my stomach, I stepped in front of her, directly in front of the microphone. Looking startled at my bold maneuver, she only stopped and stared at me, instead of pulling me back. I took her moment of hesitation to look out at the crowd of shocked faces.
Quiet instantly fell on the gym as people wondered what the heck I was doing. I cleared the frog out of my throat and started the speech I'd only just thought of while sitting and waiting for my turn.
"My name is Lucas West," I paused, my cheeks going a bit red as I realized that even if they hadn't already known that, which I was sure most of them did, the principal had just announced it over the microphone. "But, you all already know that." My eyes drifted over the crowd, spotting my mother with red eyes, looking proud, but confused. "I know you all want to get on with your evening...but I can't let this night go by without acknowledging...the three people who should be standing up here with me tonight."
From somewhere in the pin-droppingly silent gym, I imagined that I heard Mr. Varner sigh. I swallowed and glanced at the principal, she looked torn from jerking me away and letting me finish, since I obviously had the attention of everyone out there. I tried to ignore that fact as I continued on with what I had to do. My eyes went back to the assemblage before me. I sought out Sawyer and held her gaze, pulling strength from her approving eyes.
"Darren McCord...Samantha Carter...and...Lillian Tate." My voice cracked on Lil's name, but I ignored it. My eyes flicked over the crowd, resting on the people I knew and the people I didn't know. "They died one year ago tonight and deserve some recognition. I ask that we all take a moment of silence, for the three lives that were lost. They may be gone..." my eyes shifted to rest on Josh's, his face white, his cheeks wet, "...but they are not forgotten."
I lowered my head and felt a rustling of several bodies doing the same. A thick silence permeated the room and all I could think about was that night. I tried to focus more on the earlier part of the evening - laughing with Sammy, clowning around with Darren, kissing Lillian. Up until the end, it had been an amazing night for all three of us. It brought me some odd sort of peace that their last night on earth, was a good one.
When my memories had run its course, my head lifted. I gazed out over the crowd again. Some heads were still down in reflection, some faces already in tears, and some others were staring at me with a hardened expression, maybe wishing I hadn't brought this up here, maybe still believing the gossip that swirled around the town. When I felt the principal take a step towards me, I continued before she could stop me.
"I know a lot of assumptions about me...and that night, have been going around this town, and I know I haven't done much to dissuade those rumors..." I watched every head lift to regard me, and as my voice through the microphone died out, complete silence fell over the room again. "Maybe my silence even helped to make the rumors seem true."
Locking eyes with Sawyer, I swallowed and continued, "I hope you can all understand that...that I've been going through some stuff." Sawyer gave me a warm smile and I started talking like I did when I was alone with my counselor, not conscious of the eyes on me, just feeling the need to release this burden from my shoulders.
"I remember everything about the accident." I shook my head as I kept my eyes on Sawyer's glistening ones. "I've always remembered everything." I heard a buzzing noise start around the gym as people absorbed that, and my eyes went back to the crowd. A lot of the students weren't surprised by this, I had been speaking to them more often of late, but some of the adults in the audience seemed genuinely surprised, and a few seemed angered.