Fin stood up, her eyes sparking fire as she faced him. “You speak to me of love, yet you’ll walk away from me so easily to go and put your life on the line! Do you know how hard that is for me?”
He didn’t answer because he knew how hard it was. If he had to sit back and let her put her own life in the same danger it would kill him.
“Do you?” she shouted.
“I’m sorry,” was his answer, and he watched her suddenly deflate.
“I won’t ask you to promise,” she said wearily. “I just want you to know that having to watch you leave is going to be one of the hardest things I ever have to do.”
Ryan pulled her around the table and into the circle of his arms. “Every piece of me is in here.” He placed his palm flat on her chest, feeling her heart beat hard and steady beneath his fingers. He closed his eyes briefly at the beauty of it. “My breath, my heart, my life. I won’t ever leave you if you keep that safe inside of you.”
“Damn you, Ryan,” she whispered fiercely.
His eyes flew open as she twined her arms around his neck and pulled him down to her lips. “What?” he breathed.
“I want to be angry with you, but you make it difficult.”
Growling, Ryan picked her up in his arms. Carrying her into the living room, he leaned down and placed her on the couch. His heart hammering, he looked down at the woman he’d loved for as long as he could remember. Fin was so extraordinary, so smart, so utterly sweet, he could hardly believe that she was his as much as he was hers. She owned him. Whenever he breathed her in, she took away his pain. No one else could ever do that.
“Am I enough, Ryan?”
Spreading her legs, Ryan knelt between them and put his hands on her thighs. “What do you mean?”
Her eyes were big, bottomless pools of green as she met his gaze. “For you to want to wake up in the morning?”
His body tensed.
“You told me you always spoke the truth to me,” she continued.
Ryan dragged his hands up her thighs and squeezed. “I thought I’d lost you, Fin. What Ian said made sense to me. That I’m a reminder of what happened to Jake and that I should leave you alone. The very idea of having to let you go for you to get over losing Jake … that was how it felt. Just a big, black empty space.”
“You believed me, didn’t you? When I told you it wasn’t true. This morning, when I rolled over and you were right there beside me—”
“Don’t remind me of what I did.”
“Okay,” she replied simply. “But you being there takes away so much of the hurt. I need you with me. Mum and Dad need you too.”
How could he face Mike and Julie and knowing they would have preferred it was him that died rather than Jake? What if they blamed him? He couldn’t live through that again.
Ryan shook his head. “Not tonight, Fin. I’ll go get my things while you’re at dinner, okay? Today I have you all to myself.” His gaze dropped to her mouth. “So what are we going to do?”
She gave up pressuring Ryan about seeing her parents. For now. Instead, she pretended to give serious thought to his question. “Well,” she drawled. “The lawn needs mowing and my veggie garden needs weeding. You could do that while I do some work.”
Ryan sat back on his heels, his brows raised.
“And Jake promised he’d repaint the fence at some stage too, so that needs to be done. Maybe I should write a list?”
He stood up and started walking away.
“Hey!” she called out. “Where are you going?”
Ryan turned and smirking, slowly peeled his zipper downwards. Fin’s eyes dropped, her breath catching as he reached in and fisted himself in his hand. “Seems you have a lot of work you need me to do. I’ll just quickly go take care of this so I can get started.”
“Ryan!”
He moved swiftly into the bathroom and shut the door behind him.
“Damn the man,” she muttered. Scooting off the couch, she got up and raced after him. Grabbing the handle, she flung the door wide open and gasped.
Ryan was already nak*d and standing there facing her. His arms were folded and a smirk still lingered on his face. “Took you long enough.”
Fin pursed her lips to fight the grin. “Oh sorry, Ryan. I didn’t realise you were in here.” She peeled off her top and shimmied out of her sweatpants and panties, leaving her as bare as he was. His eyes ignited as they roamed over her. “I just came in to brush my teeth, but I’ll come back when bathroom rush hour is over.”
She turned and barely took a step before Ryan wrapped his arms around her and yanked her into him. The hard length of him pressed into her spine when he leaned into her ear and whispered, “Where do you think you’re going? Don’t you have to brush your teeth?”
Fin licked her lips. “Maybe.”
Ryan picked her up and set her in front of the sink. She met his eyes in the mirror as he trailed his hand down her spine and over the curve of her ass. “Don’t let me stop you.”
She said something in reply, but she wasn’t sure what. It came out a jumbled mess as her body slumped against him.
“Fin?”
Ryan’s arms wrapped around her ribs, holding her up.
“Baby?”
Fin blinked, her pulse racing as the world faded out again.
Chapter Thirteen
Ryan pulled his car to a stop outside the single-story red brick home and stared, his face impassive. Inside, his stomach was churning from the memories of a house and a family he hadn’t seen for ten years. It hadn’t changed. It just looked a little older and a little sadder than what he remembered.
“Why are you here?” came the soft cool whisper in his ear.
“Maybe ‘why are you here?’ is probably the better question, Jake. Get out of my head.”
Jake’s chuckle reverberated around the confined space. “I can’t, Kendall. You won’t let me go.”
Tears swam in his eyes, but he wouldn’t let them fall. “Why do I have to do that?”
“You’re kidding, right—me in your head for the rest of your life? Do you want to be batshit crazy?”
“You mean as batshit crazy as you were?”
“There’s the Ryan I know.”
Ryan stared hard at the house. The white trim needed painting, the gardens tending, yet it was neat and tidy. “Well, I’m glad someone knows who he is.”
Pulling the key from the ignition, Ryan slid from the car and forced his feet to move towards the front door. He drew strength from thoughts of Fin while he waited for someone to answer his knock. Unable to bear waking her, he’d left her sleeping. Instead, he wrote a note on her pillow telling her he had things to do and would be back later that day. He was worried if he told her where he was going this morning she would insist on coming, and he had such a hard time saying no to her, even in this.
He’d been living at the cottage for two weeks now, and for every one of those days he’d been watching her carefully. She swore that day in the bathroom she’d just got a head spin from moving too quickly. After an emotional few months, and such rapid weight loss, it was a wonder her health was as good as it was. Her eating in the last week had been improving steadily, and after forcing a promise from her to go to the doctor if it happened again, he let it go reluctantly.
Ryan rapped smartly again and when the door flew open, his hand dropped to his side.
“Ryan!”
He nodded impassively. “Mum.” His eyes fell to where her hand shook on the doorknob before they rose to her face. He felt so different, so removed from her. It was like knowing her was another lifetime ago. “Can I come in?”
She stood out of the way, her hand fluttering to her hair to smooth the dark brown strands. He remembered it as long, glossy waves, but now it was to her shoulders, and smooth.
“I wasn’t expecting you.”
Huh. After all these years, this was the best she could come up with? “Well, I wasn’t expecting an invitation.”
She frowned. “You left.”
“Why do you think I did that?”
Annoyed already, he stepped inside the house. Most of the furniture he ran his eyes over was new. No. Not new, just different, changed. The photos still plagued the walls like some sad, godforsaken shrine. Ryan ran his eyes over them, his heart aching.
“Would you like some of the photos, Ryan?” his mother asked softly.
Ryan only had the one in his wallet. It was faded and worn from use. He took it out all the time and stared at it, wondering what his life would have been like if she were still alive. Always f**king wondering. He couldn’t let it go, and it made him so damn tired.
He swallowed. “Please.”
“You can choose them. Can I get you a drink … or something?”
“No.” He turned to face her. She was hugging herself, rubbing her hands up and down her arms. “Where’s Dad?”
She sighed. “We divorced a long time ago, Ryan. I haven’t seen your father in years.”
His brows flew up. “Oh. Was it …”
“Some people, when they lose a child, they never really recover. Your father couldn’t let it go. It was killing us, and then how he was with you, how I was with you. We lost you too, that’s on us, I know, but I’m—”
“Mum,” he cut her off and she froze, her fluttering hands halting mid-air.
Ryan drew a deep breath and let it out. Why couldn’t he hate her? He wanted to but it was such a useless emotion. There was no room left in his heart for hate, but for his mother there was no room for love either. He looked at her, really looked at her. She seemed tiny and faded somehow, just a transparent version of the person she used to be. His heart softened. “Maybe I’ll have that drink after all.”
She flushed. “O-of course. Um … coffee?”
“Black, no sugar.”
“I’ll go make it. Why don’t you go choose some photos while you’re waiting?”
Ryan nodded, moving towards the wall of photos when she stepped out of the room. He ran his eyes carefully over each and every one of them. His sister’s bright happy face stared back at him in all of them. Closing his eyes, the day she died burst vividly in his mind.
“Mum!” he yelled loudly, grabbing the football as he flew out the front door. “Going outside to kick the footy around.”
“Don’t go far,” she called out from the kitchen. “Dinner won’t be long!”
“Can I come too, Ryan?” his little sister called out.
“No, Kass. You can’t catch properly. You’re all thumbs.”
Ryan gasped, pushing the memory away. It hurt too much. It should have faded over time, but it still taunted him with the brightest clarity.
His little sister had followed him everywhere with those puppy dog eyes. Ryan had always been such a jerk, telling her to leave him alone. The day she died was the one day, one f**king day, when he’d given in.
In his young mind, Kassidy had been just a dumb annoying girl, always stumbling over something. So clumsy, just like Fin was. Despite their different colouring, meeting Fin that first day at school, seeing her trip up the stairs, God, it was like seeing his sister all over again. From that day on he watched over Fin, scared that something would happen to her just like it did his sister.