As he left the bedroom, Crookshanks head-butted his leg, growling his hungry demands. With the cat fed, he pulled the front door shut behind him. Even with the soft light, he hid his eyes behind sunglasses as he strode towards the gleaming, black mustang.
Ryan pulled the keys from his pocket.
“Coward,” came the soft whisper in his ear.
He froze, icy tendrils curling around his spine.
“Jake?” he croaked.
Ryan spun around but no one was there.
Christ. He was f**king losing it.
He reached for the door handle.
“Is this how you take care of my sister after I leave? Fuck her and sneak out?”
The voice whipped coldly around him, everywhere, but … nowhere.
Ryan swallowed, his eyes burning. “Fuck. Don’t. I can’t do this.”
He swung the door open as he slid inside. He put the key in the ignition and started the car, hearing it come to life with a deep, throaty growl.
“Look at you. Your hands are shaking.”
His eyes fell to the hand that trembled on the gearstick.
“Damn you, Jake. Stop screwing with my head,” he said loudly. He shifted into reverse and let out the handbrake.
“You didn’t read my letter.”
The envelope still sat unopened on the passenger seat, taunting him with its plain white disguise, masking words he knew he couldn’t yet read.
Unease rolled through him. “I’m not sure I can.”
“Close your eyes, Kendall.”
His jaw clenched as he fought back tears, but he closed his eyes anyway.
“Now picture a world without Fin.”
“Oh God,” he moaned, burying his head against the steering wheel. His stomach lurched at the thought of her gone like Jake was.
“Good. Now where are you in that picture?”
His eyes moved rapidly behind closed lids, searching, but there was nothing but black, empty space. He wasn’t there.
“What do you see?”
“Nothing,” he whispered hoarsely. “Without her there I’m nothing.”
A chuckle echoed softly around the inside of his car. “Bingo.”
Blinking sore, gritty eyes, the ceiling came into focus. Rolling over, Fin saw the empty space beside her and she slumped back on the bed. When loud buzzing registered from outside, she clutched the sheet to her chest and stretched up to peer out the window.
Ryan was mowing her lawn. He paused, lifting the hem of his shirt to wipe sweat from his brow, baring taut, tanned skin to her gaze. Scrambling from the bed, Fin tugged on a singlet and panties and made her way from the bedroom.
Her eyes swept the living room. No evidence of her violent outburst from yesterday afternoon remained. A sharp pang swept through her at the empty bookshelves. Books, she reminded herself. They’re just books.
Going to the kitchen, she grabbed a spoon and reached for Crookshanks’ breakfast from out of the fridge. Usually he was twining himself around her legs right now—where was he?
Frowning, she turned, her eyes finding him sitting outside in the morning sun, licking the length of his leg as though he’d already eaten.
The front door clicked and Ryan strode down the hallway, bringing the scent of freshly cut grass with him. His eyes were tired, his body sweaty.
Fin narrowed her eyes. “What do you think you’re doing?”
His brows flew up. “Excuse me?”
“Mowing my lawn?”
Ryan rubbed his forearm across his brow, wiping away the sweat. “It was overgrown. It would’ve died off if you’d left it any longer.”
“So what? Everything dies sooner or later, right?”
Oh God, stop.
But she couldn’t. It felt like she was standing outside of her body watching a train wreck before her very eyes.
“Feeding me, my cat, cleaning my house, my yard. It’s mine. My house.” Her voice rose along with her anger. “And you’re not my friend. You’re Jake’s!”
Hurt flashed across his face, and her stomach pitched feverishly, unable to control the venom spewing from her mouth.
He nodded, his jaw tight. “You think I’m trying to take over?”
“I don’t know what you’re trying to do, Ryan, but whatever it is, don’t. I don’t need you coming here and thinking you have to take care of me because Jake died. Don’t think that you owe it to him.”
Ryan’s eyes flashed angrily at her words. “That’s not why I’m here.”
“Then why are you here?” she shouted.
A beat of silence passed as his eyes locked on hers.
He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
Fin’s heart tugged painfully. “I don’t need you, Ryan,” she said wearily. “And I don’t want you here. You should leave.”
He stood there, clenching and unclenching his fists. “You want me to leave?”
Damn you, Ryan. I’d take you, Army and all, even knowing you might not come back just like Jake, but you won’t let me have you, so yes, I want you to leave.
But she didn’t say any of that. She couldn’t choke the words out. Instead, she nodded wordlessly.
He turned around and strode back out the door, slamming it hard behind him. She flinched, and soon after Fin heard the deep rumble of his car start up. Eventually the noise faded, replaced with a silence that had her ears ringing and the red haze of anger lifting.
What did she just do?
Stupid girl!
She rushed to her room, scrambling for her phone on the bedside table. With frantic fingers, she fumbled over the keypad until she found Ryan’s name. As the phone rang, she started pacing, one hand pressed to her forehead.
It rang endlessly until his voicemail answered.
Dialling, she tried again.
“No,” she whispered, her stomach rolling when it rang out again.
The beep came through loud and clear to leave a message.
“Ryan? I didn’t mean it,” she choked out. “I’m sorry.” She sank to the floor. “I don’t know why I’m so angry. Please come back,” she whispered hoarsely. “I’m sorry.”
She sat on the couch in the living room all day long, but he never returned her call, and he didn’t come back.
Chapter Ten
Rachael dragged Fin out of the dressing room and stood her before the mirror. Fin swept her eyes over her reflection as techno music pounded heavily through the store. The short gold skirt, the slinky black top cut so low there was no way a bra could be worn—it wasn’t her.
“It’s not me,” she announced, tugging the top up to cover a bit more of her chest.
Rachael tweaked it so it fell back down and looked at her in the mirror. “Stop fussing with it. Double sided tape will hold it in place. And exactly. It’s not you. That’s the point. You’re living in a bubble of grief. Tonight you can be someone else. You need that, Fin.”
She needed Ryan. Nothing else. Just him, but two weeks and she’d heard nothing. It didn’t surprise her. He’d told her he’d always wanted her, that he would never stop wanting her, and the next morning she’d thrown it in his face because for one blinding moment she thought he was there as an obligation to Jake, and it had hurt. Who could blame him for staying away?
“I’m not sure I can go out tonight, Rach.”
Rachael stood in front of Fin, blocking her view of the flimsy outfit as she took hold of her hands. “Jake would be furious with you right now,” she said with tears filling her eyes. Blinking them away, she straightened her shoulders. “I’m furious with you right now. This is not living, Fin. You’re just existing inside a vacuum and you can’t go on like this forever.”
“Yes I can.”
Rachael let go of her hands and fussed with the gold skirt. “No. You can’t.”
Frowning, Fin batted her hands away and tugged the skirt down. She sighed when her hipbones came into view. “Send out a search party, Rach. The rest of the skirt is missing.”
Rachael folded her arms in reply.
“Fine.” She threw up her hands. “Whatever.” Shifting backwards, she sat down on the little button leather couch in the dressing room area. “I have all this anger inside me and it keeps spewing out everywhere. I keep hurting people with it.”
Rachael paused and looked at her. “You mean you hurt Ryan with it.”
“Ryan’s hurting enough as it is. He was the one that was there. He was the one that saw… th-that saw…” Her fists clenched. “Fuck.”
Standing up, Fin strode back to the dressing room, shut the door, and took the clothes off. In just her underwear, she eyed her body critically. She’d always been slender like her mother, but her bones were sharp now, and prominent. Ryan was right. She needed to eat. Jake would hate seeing her this way.
“Fin?” A light tap came at the door as Fin held her jeans out, ready to slip them back on. “Are you okay? You know it’s okay to be angry. You have to let it all out.”
Her hands went slack as she slumped against the dressing room wall. “I know.”
“You’re angry because you know he’s going back, and that scares you. You and Ryan—you’re both like one half of each other. Neither of you will ever really be complete without the other.”
Pushing away from the wall, she dressed quickly and opened the door. Rachael met her eyes. “I was a bitch.”
“You’ve just lost your brother, Fin. You’re allowed to be an emotional whackjob right now.”
“Ryan isn’t.”
“Men like him are trained to lock that shit down.”
Fin frowned. “But then … where does it all go?”
“My guess would be wherever he goes,” she said softly. She snatched the clothes out of Fin’s hand and smiled. “Now let’s go spend some money.”
Fin shook her head. “Rachael.”
“Fin,” she sing-songed, turning around and heading for the front counter.
The salesgirl gave them both a bright smile as she rang up the purchase. “Do you have Hollywood Tape?”
Fin looked at her. “Do I have what?”
“Boob tape,” Rachael said loudly. “And yes, we’ve got some, thanks.”
The salesgirl gave another bright smile as she handed over the bags. Rachael took them, thanking her, and they headed out of the store. Fin looked at Rachael over her shoulder as she walked down the small set of stairs and onto the street. “I can’t believe you have me wearing boob tape of all things.”
Not watching where she was going, her heel caught on the bottom step and she pitched forward. The hard chest she smacked into stopped her from falling into a heap on the sidewalk.
“Oh shit,” she mumbled.
Strong, tanned hands came out to steady her. “Did someone say boobs?”
Her arms caught in a firm grip, Fin looked upwards into rich, hazel eyes that went wide with recognition as they focused on her face.
“Kyle?”
“Fin!” Grief swept briefly across his face before it was wiped away by a broad grin. His arms came around her and he lifted her up, her feet dangling off the ground until she was looking directly in his eyes. “How are you doing?”