His heart squeezed painfully, like it would rupture in his chest at any moment. Shoving away from the security that arrived after the commotion, he turned and blindly stumbled his way out of the bar.
Tex caught up with him and shoved a bottle of beer in his face. “Here. Think you need this.”
In full agreement, he grabbed it from Tex and swallowed half of it down in one go. Seeing a second sitting in Tex’s hand, he grabbed it too.
“Hey! Kendall—”
“Fuck off,” he growled. Putting a hand on his chest, Ryan slammed Tex into the wall and stalked away. Rounding the corner, he found himself in an alley as he downed the last of the first bottle. Christ. Fucking beer. He needed something harder. Something to annihilate the Hell he couldn’t claw his way out of. Hooking his arm, he smashed the empty bottle against the red brick wall. It shattered with a loud echo through the empty alley, glass shards scattering carelessly along the concrete pavement.
“Jake!” he shouted, his chest aching and raw. “Where are your f**king words of wisdom now?’
Stumbling, Ryan leaned against the wall and finished the next beer.
“Asshole,” he mumbled when the voices inside his head remained quiet.
Sliding his back down the wall, Ryan drew his knees to his chest, laughter bubbling out of him at his stupidity. Fin had it right. Ryan had been trying to take care of her. It was the only thing that kept him going—that she needed him. But she didn’t need him at all. Where did he go from here? He was so f**king lost. He buried his head against his knees, gasping with laughter. Hadn’t he always been lost? Jake should’ve told him to buy a damn compass and get the f**k over himself.
“Ryan?” came Fin’s sweet voice.
Oh no. Was he hearing Fin’s voice now too? He was tired of hearing voices. It was too much.
“Go away,” he moaned at the voice, his laughter vanishing as loud, keening sobs broke from his chest. He couldn’t breathe when wave after wave of them crashed over him, dragging him beneath the surface.
“I want to sleep,” he cried hoarsely. “And I don’t ever want to wake up.”
“Please, Ryan. Don’t do this.”
Fin placed a hand on his shoulder, and Ryan screwed his eyes shut, realising that she was really there and he wasn’t hearing things.
“I’m so tired,” he whispered to her, his voice muffled against his knees. Hot tears fell thick and fast down his face and nothing could hold them back. He didn’t even have the energy right then to hide them from her. “So tired of living with so much pain.”
“Please get up,” she choked out. Her voice held a world of hurt as she tugged at his arm, but he couldn’t move.
“It’s my fault,” he sobbed, holding his head in his hands. “It should’ve been me.”
“You can’t take the blame, Ryan. God. It will kill you.”
“You weren’t there!” he shouted, looking up and finding her kneeling before him. “You have no idea what happened!”
“So tell me!” Fin yelled back, her chest heaving as she knelt before him, her green eyes glaring. She looked away for a moment, and when she looked back, her beautiful eyes were wide with grief. “Tell me,” she whispered. “I need to know.”
Ryan took a deep shaky breath. “Was he right? Am I just a lousy reminder that’s holding you back?”
“No!” she cried desperately. “Don’t listen to Ian. I had no idea he’d be here tonight. I’m not … we’re not getting back together. I promise.”
“You don’t owe me promises.”
“It’s not about owing anyone anything, it’s—”
“It is,” he cut her off. “I owe Jake. I owe him. More now than ever.”
Fin pressed her lips together, fighting tears. “I can’t live without you, Ryan.”
He nodded, his heart burning with so much love for her he ached with it. “I can’t live without you either,” he whispered, tears rolling down his cheeks, “but I’m going back. You know that, right? I have to finish what Jake and I started together. This war … I need to see it through for the both us. If I don’t it’ll just feel like he died for nothing, and I can’t accept that.”
Fin reached out and cupped his face in her hands, wiping away his tears with her thumbs. “I know,” she whispered.
“Kendall? Fin?” Kyle called out.
They both turned towards the alley entrance. Kyle stood there, peering into the darkness.
Ryan cleared his throat. “Down here, mate.”
As Ian stepped around the corner behind Kyle, Fin pushed herself angrily away from Ryan, anger burning brightly in her eyes as she stood up and strode determinedly towards Ian. Ryan staggered to his feet as Kyle reached out to grab her and missed.
“Goddamn you, Ian! How dare you?” she shrieked and launched herself at his chest, her tiny fists pummelling him. “Stop making everything worse. We’re not together anymore!”
He stumbled back, grabbing her wrists with enough force that she jerked violently in his hold. “Fin—”
Kyle wrapped his arms around her waist, yanking her away before Ryan could reach her. “Hands off of her, a**hole!” he snarled.
“You’ve done your damage,” Fin whispered wearily at Ian. “Just go.”
Reaching her side, Ryan took hold of her, pulling her towards him. She buried her face in his chest. “Please take me home, Ryan.”
Ignoring Ian, he wound his arms tightly around her. Leaning in, he pressed a kiss against her ear and whispered softly, “You got it, baby.”
Chapter Eleven
Ryan’s heart thumped heavily as they sat in the back of the cab heading home. He wanted to pull Fin over to him, sit her on his lap and hang on forever. Instead he settled for reaching out and tucking her hand in his. Linking their fingers, he rested them on his thigh as he stared out the window into the night.
Fin squeezed his hand, as though drawing strength from the touch. Had he done the right thing? He’d told Fin he couldn’t live without her. There was no taking that back. He always thought he’d been strong—his mind, his body, his heart—but he wasn’t strong enough to fight without Fin anymore.
The Army and the SAS had been his dream—his chance to be somebody, save lives, show his parents he was worth something. But after years of what he thought was dealing with his past, the unkind bitch that was retrospect told him he’d just been running from it. Being a soldier had been his escape, his flight from the demons that bound him, and Fin had been the only one who could stop him from running forever. As long as she was here, he could run as far and as fast as he wanted, but for her he would always return.
“Ryan. Are you okay?”
He stared out the window, unable to face her. “I’m not sure I’ve been okay for a long time, Fin.”
“Will you ever tell me?”
He watched the streets pass by rapidly as the cab drove them towards Fin’s house. “My past is catching up with me,” he said eventually.
“And?”
Ryan turned and looked at her, letting out a deep shaky breath. “My family fell apart when I was seven and that was because of me. You, Julie, Mike. You’re the only family I have and I don’t want to lose that.”
“What happened when you were seven, Ryan?”
Returning his gaze to the window, he swallowed, closing his eyes against the fear and guilt. “I can’t talk about it.”
The cab pulled up in front of the cottage, and he let go of her hand, reaching for his wallet from the back pocket of his jeans. When Fin started handing over notes to the cab driver, he snagged her wrist. “I got this, baby.”
“But Ryan—”
He looked at her and she paused. Satisfied, he paid the driver and slid out of the car. Reaching back in, he held out his hand to Fin. She took it and climbed out behind him. The cab’s bright red tail lights disappeared into the distance as they walked up the path towards the cottage.
Fin buried her hand inside her purse, rummaging around for the key to the front door.
“Crap,” she muttered when her bag fell to the ground.
They both bent over at the same time to retrieve it, and Fin cracked her nose on his forehead.
“Ow!” she wailed.
Straightening up and taking her purse in his hand, Ryan grabbed hold of her elbow, steadying her as he checked the damage. “Dammit, I can’t see. Why didn’t you leave the porch light on?”
“Because I like a bit of a challenge,” she retorted. “Trying to fit keys in locks in the dark while drunk is the ultimate test of agility.”
Ryan repressed a smile in an effort to look stern, not that she could probably see in the dark anyway. “Well you failed, smartass.”
“I am a smartass. Don’t you like nerds, Ryan?”
“Only drunk ones,” he teased as he rummaged around in her purse. “Jesus, Fin. How do you find anything in here?”
Fin tugged on it. “Give it here. You’re having a man’s look.”
“Well you can’t do much better. You’re blind,” he pointed out.
She paused to glare at him. “I only need glasses to read.”
He waved a hand in front of her face. “Can you see this?”
Laughter bubbled out of her as she snatched the purse out of his hands. “Fine. We can just camp out here. Wait for dawn so we can see properly.”
“I’m not sleeping on the f**king porch.”
“Why not? I’m sure you’ve slept in worse places.”
He had. Many nights had been spent camped out on the dirt during an exercise or patrol. Interrogation training had been the worst. He’d slept bound—hands tied behind his back and ankles shackled—and after being dragged nak*d through mud and worse, ice cold water had been tossed over him every half an hour to keep him awake. But fuck, he wasn’t training, or at war. He was with Fin. That deserved a cosy bed and warm, nak*d skin.
Ryan’s eyes dropped to her mouth. Visions of picking her up, slamming her back into the wall and kissing those lush lips hit him hard. He sucked in a quick breath when all the blood in his body headed south. Suddenly getting inside was becoming more urgent. He snatched at her purse at the same time she tugged it backwards, and it went flying across the lawn, the contents scattering in what felt like slow motion to all four corners of Hell. Somewhere out there in the dark was the key, and he needed inside, and not just the house.
“Well, now you’ve done it,” Fin announced.
“Fuck.” Ryan peered out onto the front lawn. “Don’t you have a spare hidden somewhere?”
Fin fisted her hands on her hips. “I used to put a key above the door ledge until Jake found out.” She took a deep breath and let it out. “He flipped out and threatened to shave off Crookshanks’ fur if I did it again. I guess he was worried about someone finding it and getting inside while he wasn’t around. I guess it wasn’t the best spot to hide a key, but I never got around to finding another spot.”