A single tear slips from the corner of her eye. I’m not surprised; I’d been wondering how she was still holding it together. Dampness swims in her eyes, but she doesn’t look away. I rub the back of her hand lightly with my thumb. “It’s okay. Let it out. I’ve got you.”
She does, turning to fit herself in my arms, and sobs into my neck, her chest heaving with each ragged breath. Each cry that breaks through her throat cuts me open. I hold her through it all, knowing there’s no place I’d rather be.
Chapter 29
Avery
I sob for all the lost time, the memories that we’d never create, the mother that abandoned me as a baby. I cry for a life that could have been. For the choice my mom had to make and at such a young age, and for the circumstances that led to that decision.
Life is a crapshoot. We’ve all been dealt a hand that we have no choice but to play – my mom by getting pregnant too young, me with simply the circumstances I was born into.
After meeting her face to face, seeing how normal she is, I’m not immature enough to believe she’d given me up because I was a bad baby. No. She’d made the best decision she could for me and for herself. But that didn’t make this any easier. She’d done the most selfless thing she could do. She’d given me to two loving parents who desperately wanted a child. It broke my heart. There’s grief and loss mixed in with happiness and joy. It’s all too much.
Jase just holds me. He lets me completely fall apart. He doesn’t say anything, other than making calming sounds meant to soothe. He rubs my back in slow circles and rocks me silently against his chest. I can’t even let myself hope what his presence might mean. He’s here now, all solid and warm, and holding me. It’s not nearly enough, but it’ll do. For now.
By the time I’m all cried out, my throat is raw and Jase’s T-shirt is soaked with my tears, but he doesn’t seem the least bit concerned about this shirt. His hand continues its soothing path, rubbing slow circles between my shoulder blades while my breathing returns to normal.
Jase
When her tears finally stop, little unsteady hiccups continue to rasp in her chest for several minutes more. Avery eventually lifts her head from my shoulder and blinks up at me, wiping away the remnants of her makeup.
“I’m sorry,” she croaks, her voice raw from crying.
“No. Don’t be. I’m glad you let it out, and I’m glad I could be here for you.”
She nods. “Thanks, Jase.”
“Anytime, Whistle.”
Confusion crosses her face at hearing the nickname I haven’t used in a while. She’s wondering the same thing I am – about us. About where we stand now.
She sits up on the bed, completely disentangling herself from me. The loss of warmth from her body next to mine is unwelcome, but I resist the urge to tug her back to me.
“I’m gonna take a shower,” she says.
Her face is red, her chest splotchy and her hair is a tangled, matted mess--the strands framing her face slightly damp from her tears. “Yeah, okay.” The warm water will soothe her some, I hope. “I’ll go out and pick us up dinner. We can eat here in bed if you’re okay with that, and watch TV.”
She climbs from the bed. “Yeah, low key sounds great.”
I didn’t figure she’d be up for going out someplace. I take the keys from the bedside table and watch as Avery disappears into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. When I hear the water turn on, I have to fight the urge to go in after her.
I return a little while later with bags of Chinese takeout. Dressed in a white tank and pink cotton pants, Avery sits cross-legged in the center of the bed. “Hi,” she says.
Her smile is back, so I can only assume the shower helped. Her hair is still damp, but combed neatly and secured in a braid across her shoulder. It makes her look younger. Beautiful. Food is suddenly the last thing on my mind.
“What’d you get us? It smells good.”
I set the bag on the bedside table and begin unloading the paper cartons. “Chinese. Hope that’s okay.”
“Yeah, that’s perfect.”
We eat spicy noodles, spring rolls and almond chicken while watching a mindless comedy on cable. By the time we’re full, Avery is openly laughing at the movie. I throw the leftovers away in my adjoining room and close the door. I’m hopeful we’ll share a bed tonight. Even if nothing else happens, I just want to be near her. And I figure we won’t want to breathe in the smell of old Chinese food all night.
Avery has stacked all the pillows from my bed and hers up against the headboard and is lounging against them when I return from brushing my teeth. “You’re looking quite comfortable there.”
She crosses her legs at the ankle and smiles, like a princess perched on her throne. Now that we’re done eating, the room is too quiet, too full of her. Suddenly I don’t know what to do with myself. Avery just continues watching me with wide green eyes.
I hesitate at the end of the bed, and rub the back of my neck, waiting for her to give me some indication she wants me to stay. Although she’s commandeered all my pillows so…. “You’re holding my pillows hostage… does that mean you want me here?”
“Maybe I just really like pillows…” She wiggles against the mountain behind her, making herself comfortable. “Kidding. Of course you’re staying.” She pats the bed beside her “You being here means a lot.”
I wish I knew what she’s thinking. I cross the room to sit beside her on the bed. “You doing better?” I ask, though I can see she is.