We said goodnight, but I knew I wasn’t going to sleep. Most nights I spent in thinking about anything I could to get myself to be tired. I’d started reading when I was home to try to bore myself to sleep, but I’d ended up staying up all night and kind of liking the books. My parents didn’t have many in the house, but my dad had a small collection of classics. I’d had to read them in high school and I’d been bored to tears, but maybe it was because I didn’t have to read them now that I liked them.
Once I heard Lottie’s deep breathing, I snuck out of my bed and went to her overstuffed shelves. She had pretty much anything, and I knew from living with her which books were where.
I went for a historical fiction. Lots of ballgowns and gentlemen kissing women on the hand and declaring their undying love with beautiful poetry. That was exactly what I needed. I had a flashlight in my desk for emergencies, and I tucked myself under my covers so the light wouldn’t bother Lottie and started reading.
I turned the pages, the hours passed and my eyes stayed open. In the part of my mind that wasn’t focused on the book, I thought about Stryker. Would I have slept better if Stryker was here? Probably.
When the daylight started creeping under my covers, I put the book back and settled back on my bed so I could at least get a few hours of sleep. My eyes had barely closed when Lottie’s alarm went off and her groan followed a few seconds later.
So much for sleep.
***
“You sure you’re ready to be back?” Lottie said as we got dressed. We were all going to breakfast, and I’d texted Stryker to ask him to come, but he hadn’t messaged me back, which wasn’t unusual. He also wasn’t a morning person.
I shoved my foot into one of my calf-high boots and zipped them up. “I don’t really have a choice. I need something to fill up my time, and my parents paid for me to be here.”
“Good point,” she said, tying her sneakers. “When everything happened with Lexie, I made sure I paid extra attention in school and got all her homework ready for her so when she came back, she wouldn’t miss a beat. I was going to tutor her, but then…it didn’t happen. But I got really good grades.”
I gave her a little smile and put my other boot on, swearing a little when the zipper got stuck.
Lottie’s phone buzzed as she was putting her coat on.
“Oh, crap.” She put her hand to her mouth and dropped her backpack. “Oh no.”
“What?” I started shoving books into my messenger bag. I was going to have to get a new one soon, because the strap was about to go.
“I texted Trish to invite her to breakfast, but she just messaged me back saying that her friend Ric was in an accident last night.” The name made me snap my head up and look at her.
“Ric? What happened?”
“Hold on, I’m calling her.” She held the phone up to her ear and bit her thumbnail.
“Trish, what happened?” Pause. “Oh my God. I am so sorry. Do you need anything? No. No. Okay. Call me later, okay?” She hung up and I waited for the verdict, knowing all the while what it was and hoping that it wasn’t. Lottie took a long deep breath before she spoke in a small voice that I’d never heard her use.
“She was killed. I guess she was driving home early this morning and she went off the road and hit a tree.” She sat down on her bed. I had to sit down too. Yes, I’d only met the girl a couple times, and she had been a bitch, but that didn’t mean I wanted her to die. I didn’t want anyone to die, not even Zack, although I’d thought I’d wanted that, before everything with Dad. Seeing death up close made me realize it wasn’t a thing you wished on anyone.
Lottie stared straight ahead. “I feel like I should do something, but I don’t know what. Trish was an absolute wreck. I’ve never heard her cry before.” I didn’t know Trish and Ric were close; Stryker had never mentioned anything.
Stryker.
“Did she say anything about Stryker? Is he with her?” I said. Lottie shook her head, still in a daze.
“I’m going to call him.” I went outside so I could have some privacy and ran into Will, Simon and Zan coming to get us.
“Hey, how are you doing?” Will said. In another lifetime I would have totally gone for him. In fact, when I first met him, I’d totally pegged him as a potential rebound boyfriend. Now I couldn’t imagine it.
“Um, one of Trish’s friends was in an accident this morning and she was killed. Lottie’s a bit out of it, um, understandably. You might want to go check on her. I’m going to call Stryker.”
The boys all went in to take care of Lottie and I called Stryker, going to the very end of the hall where there was a little alcove. The phone rang a bunch of times before he picked up.
“Hey, I just heard about Ric. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” Oh, there was that word again. I’d never heard him use it, though.
“Yeah, I don’t believe that. She was your friend too. Where are you?”
“Home.” His voice was tight, like he was holding back. Leave it to Stryker to be one of those guys that turned into a freaking clam when they were suffering from grief. He’d been so open and supportive when I’d been going through it, always trying to get me to talk about it. I was going to do the same for him.
I started walking back toward my room to get my car keys. “I’m coming over.”
“No, no. You have to get back to class. I said, I’m fine.” He dropped something on the other end and swore.
“Fuck you, you’re not fine. Don’t you even dare use that word with me, Stryker Grant. I know exactly what it means.”
“Katherine, I said I’m fine. Just go to class. I just need you to go to class, okay? Please.” His voice cracked, and my heart cracked a little at the same time hearing it.
“Stryker.”
“I love you. I’ll call you later, okay?”
“I love you, but—”
He hung up before I could say anything else. Dick Stryker had returned, only this time he had a side of Damaged. Simon came out of our room just as I was about to open the door.
“Stryker wouldn’t tell me anything. I think he’s moping at his apartment, so that’s where I’m headed,” I said.
“Do you want some company?” In another lifetime I would have gone for him, too. If he liked girls in that other lifetime.
“No, I think I got it. I’m good at dealing with dead people,” I said, giving him a smile. “Could you get my purse for me? It’s on my bed.”
“Oh, yeah, right. Sure.” It took him a second to return the smile before he ducked back into the room. My sense of humor had never been particularly dark, but it had taken a turn since everything had happened with Dad.
“Tell Lottie I’ll keep her updated,” I said when he handed my purse to me a second later.
“Will do.” He nodded and closed the door, and I heard Will and Zan talking softly. The crisis response team had assembled and was ready to go. Again.
***
I knew if I just banged on his door, he wouldn’t answer, so I used the spare key I knew he hid over the door. He was going to be pissed at himself for showing me where it was, but I was glad he did. It was there for emergencies and this qualified, in my book.
“Stryker?” I opened the door cautiously.
“Goddammit!” he said, slamming something down. I opened the door and he stormed over from the kitchen where I could see a shot glass and a half-full bottle of scotch sitting on the counter.
“I told you to go to class,” he said, glaring at me. No, this wasn’t Dick Stryker. This was a guy I’d never met. This was angry-damaged Stryker, and he’d also been drinking. Not a good combination.
“Yeah, well, I don’t take orders from you, a**hole.” He stood in the doorway and wouldn’t let me come in. “You may not like it, but you were there for me when I needed you, and now I’m gonna be there for you whether you like it or not.”
“I don’t need you,” he said, practically spitting out the words.
“Well, buddy, it kinda seems like you do.”
Even six months ago, the way Stryker was talking to me might have sent me running back to my car, but I wasn’t that scared girl anymore.
I shoved past him and walked into the apartment to find it in chaos. His instruments were all over the place, as if he’d picked them up to play and then tossed them aside, like an angry toddler with his toys.
“You’re going to regret that,” I said, picking up a violin bow that was broken in half.
“Jesus, Katie. I really don’t need this right now, and not from you.”
I turned around to find him going back to the bottle of scotch. Oh no, I was not letting him drown his sorrows. I dived in front of him, getting to the bottle before he could and throwing it in the sink where it shattered.
“What the fuck!” He lunged at me, grabbing my shoulders. His green eyes were bloodshot and puffy. He’d been crying.
“What did you do that for?” He shook my shoulders, but I held my ground. It wasn’t like Zack. When I was in the car with him, I’d known to be afraid. I wasn’t afraid of Stryker. I knew, with every cell in my body, that he wouldn’t hurt me. Ever.
“I’m doing it because someone needed to. Hey, hey, look at me.” I touched his face, holding it gently. This boy who seemed so strong was even more fragile than anyone could comprehend.
“You don’t have to do this alone. You didn’t let me do it alone, and I’m not going to let you. I love you, and we can get through this together. Got it? You and me. No space.”
I gripped his face and forced him to look at me before I pulled his face down and kissed him. His lips tasted of scotch and cigarettes and salty tears. He resisted, but I opened my mouth and joined my tongue with his, not letting him pull away. I poured all my love into that kiss, hoping it would break through to him.
His arms went around my back and he pulled me close. Tight, like when he’d been holding me together right after Dad died. I kissed him harder.
I pulled back and kissed his chin, which had a little bit of stubble on it.
“We don’t have to talk about it now. How about we go somewhere?” I said, not letting go of his face.
“Where?” he said, his voice raspy.
“I don’t know. Anywhere.” I searched my brain for somewhere we could go that was close to campus, but that would give me a little time to try to get him back together.
“I’ll go anywhere with you.”
“Same here,” I said, moving my hands down his arms until I was holding both of his. “Come on, let’s go somewhere.”
He nodded and let me lead him out of the apartment.
Chapter Twenty-seven
Stryker
No matter what, she wouldn’t leave me, just like I wouldn’t leave her. I supposed I should have expected it. What I didn’t expect was that even if I was a complete and total a**hole, she didn’t react. Like I was just a child having a tantrum and she was waiting for me to wear myself out.