"Fine." But judging by the way his lip compressed to a tight line, he wasn’t finished with the conversation and it would likely come up again. “So tell me about this park we’re going to," he said after a lengthy pause that nearly set her nerves on edge.
"When I was pregnant I liked to come here because it was quiet and not too many people use it but it has really pretty trees and a beautiful view as well as a play park for the kids. It's just become my favorite place and Aubrey's too so I thought you might enjoy it, too."
"Absolutely."
Just as she said, the park was relatively quiet without a lot of traffic and as Nolan spread the blanket to unpack the picnic basket she let Aubry toddle off to pick dandelions in the grass. She peered quietly at Nolan as he prepared their picnic and she wondered why he was trying so hard. Why couldn't he have been the deadbeat that she thought he was? It would've made everything easier by half. But he seemed to really want to be a part of Aubrey’s life and she was having a hard time holding on to the reasoning for excluding him. "Are you seeing anyone?" she asked, telling herself the information was important to know for Aubrey's sake but in truth, she was curious for her own reasons.
"No. I was seeing someone for a while but it didn't work out," he admitted. "I hope you like potato salad."
"I love potato salad," she murmured. "Why didn't it work out?"
Nolan shrugged. "It never does."
His answer was flip but she sensed there was something else beneath that fatalistic answer. Did she care enough to pry? Was it her business? She was afraid to be honest with herself. Luckily she was saved from delving too deeply into that topic when he turned the question around on her. "How about you? Are you seeing anyone?"
"No. I'm a single mom; I don't have time to date."
"If you had the time, would you date?" he asked.
"There are times I wish I had someone to spend time with for some adult conversation but I'm so focused on my work and on Aubrey that I just don't know if I have room in my life for someone else on a permanent basis."
"I know how you feel. Sometimes relationships seem like so much work."
"If you think a relationship is a lot of work you should try raising a child,” she quipped wryly.
He nodded, his gaze following their child. "I can't seem to stop thinking about her. I hate that I've missed so much. When you told me that she had colic for three months I felt cheated for not knowing that simple fact about my child. I don’t want to miss out on anything else."
"Nolan, being a father is so much more than you can even understand. Are you ready for that kind of commitment?"
"I don't know," he answered, adding, "but does anyone ever know if they're ready? Did you know you were ready to be a mother? Sometimes you’re put into a situation and you're forced to be ready."
"Yes, but sometimes people fail and kids end up getting hurt. I don't want Aubrey to end up on the wrong end of that deal when you realize that you're not cut out to be a dad."
"Why do you assume that I'll fail?" he asked, pinning her with a stern stare. "Maybe I’ll be great at it."
"Maybe.” She shrugged, then sighed. “Maybe I'm not ready for you to be in the picture." It took a lot for her to admit that. Nolan seemed to acknowledge the big step she’d taken in admitting that fear and nodded in understanding. His quiet acceptance of her reasoning compelled her to explain. “When you said I didn’t know you, you were right. But what I do know scares me. I don’t approve of the lifestyle you live. How can I trust you with our child? I have traditional values and I know you don't."
Nolan fell silent and returned his gaze to the child as she squealed and laughed, dancing in the sunlight. Without another word, Nolan climbed to his feet and strode toward Aubrey. Shannon’s first inclination was to follow but for some reason she held back. When he knelt down to Aubrey’s level and plucked a dandelion for her, the moment Aubrey's chubby little hand closed around the delicate stem Shannon's heart melted a little. Nolan looked so earnest, so desperate to get to know their tiny child that Shannon couldn't help but think that she was being too stiff, too rigid. Maybe she had misjudged Nolan and, in fact, had cheated him of a relationship with their child. She’d been so sure she was making the right decision but in truth, she might have just been making a selfish one.
And that was a tough pill to swallow. Could Nolan be the father Aubrey needed? And if so, where did Shannon fit in the picture?
She squirmed in discomfort as she realized she wanted Nolan to want her, too.
This is about Aubrey, she cautioned herself. Not you. Besides, Nolan had never said he was interested in rekindling something with her. And that stung her pride.
Nolan watched as Aubrey's eyes lit up with wonder as she ran as fast as her chubby legs could carry her from one fascinating sight to the next. He followed to keep her safe but with each step he realized he could never walk away from his child. Ever. And when Aubrey tottered and fell on her little bottom, he was there to quickly pick her up. He didn't hesitate and simply scooped her into his arms. Aubrey grinned and stared into his eyes without fear. And if he worried that holding her would feel awkward, he realized his fear was misplaced. Holding her felt like the most natural thing in the world.
"Hello Aubrey," he murmured, taking in every detail of her precious face. "I think I'm your daddy."
"Da-da,” Aubrey copied, smiling. Then she pointed. "More fowers, peez?” And he gladly helped search for every tiny little wildflower on the grounds. Each squeal of delight was like a shock to his heart that he quickly came to crave. He'd see to it that she had fresh flowers every single day if she so desired. And by the time he walked back to Shannon holding Aubrey in his arms he knew there was no going back. And judging by her expression, Shannon knew it, too.
They sat and ate their lunch, laughing at Aubrey and sharing what looked like an idyllic afternoon together but Nolan knew the questions swirling in his mind were likely as stark as the questions swirling in Shannon's mind. They had a lot to work out and there were no easy solutions.
Shannon was right; their values were not remotely the same. How could they raise a child somewhere in the middle? He knew it wasn't possible. So either he had to change or Shannon had to change. And given the fact that he didn't have a solid argument as to why Shannon should change, he knew that the change fell on his shoulders. Could he be the man Shannon needed him to be in order to be a good father to Aubrey? He honestly didn't know. And it scared him to think that he could lose Aubrey because of his past.