Or had he?
His brain spiraled back five years to their meetings about Lily and Travis. Hadn't there been something there? An attraction he hadn't wanted to acknowledge because she was so young, so impetuous, so forward and overtly sexy.
He saw her pencil still on the page, knew she sensed his presence.
Turning her head to look at him, she scanned his naked body with a saucy grin. “It's been a long time since I did a figure model drawing class. You would've caused a riot. For the girls and the boys.”
Looking down at himself, he shook his head. He hadn't even realized he was still naked. All he could think about when he woke up was Janica.
If she had left.
Or if she had made the choice to stay.
Closing her notepad, she stood up and said, “I'm starved. Have you got any food?”
“I don't know.”
He hadn't been thinking about food when he got here. Just getting drunk.
And feeling sorry for himself.
Moving past him, the soft fabric of her shirt brushing lightly against his already half-mast cock, she went to look in the refrigerator. He had his pants on by the time she pulled out some eggs, a block of cheese, and some sausage.
Watching her maneuver around the kitchen gave him another chance to see her in a completely new light. He'd never thought of her as someone who would even know how to boil water, let alone whip up omelets.
Minutes later, she was pushing a plate over to him. Coming to sit beside him at the kitchen island, she smiled and said, “Sex always makes me hungry,” before forking out a bite from the plate.
“This is great.” The best omelet he'd ever had. “Where'd you learn to cook?”
“Thanks,” she said. And then, “Lily taught me when we were kids.” She shrugged. “I guess she figured since we were fending for ourselves she wanted to make sure I never starved if something ever happened to her.”
She'd been so young when her parents had died and the Aunt who had taken in Janica and Lily wasn't exactly the motherly type.
“It must've been hard for you.”
Again, she shrugged. “Lily took really good care of me. Better than most of my friends’ parents.”
He knew what she was doing, trying to act tough, like she hadn't been hurt. Because that was just what he'd always done. What he was still doing.
“Still, there's a difference between a sister and a mother. I'm sorry, Janica.”
“Don't feel sorry for me. I'm fine.”
“Are you?”
Her fork stilled halfway to her mouth. It started shaking in her hand and she dropped it to the plate in obvious frustration.
“Fuck. What is it about you that has me wanting to spill all my secrets?”
He didn't know. But he did know that he wanted to be there for her. For now, at least, while they were spending time together. Later...well, he wasn't going to think about later, didn't want to have to face the aftermath of being so close to Janica. And then not having her in his life anymore.
“Tell me, Janica.”
He realized that he hated to see her close herself off to him. That he much preferred the way she looked when she was in his arms and she was totally open, totally pure in her confession of love. Whether or not he believed that her loving him was even possible.
Needing to let her know she could trust him with the pain she felt over losing her paretns at such a young age, he said, “I want to listen to you.”
She stared at him in silence for long enough that he found himself fighting the urge to fidget on the bar stool.
Finally, he saw her come to a decision. To trust him.
“Even when I was a little girl I knew how strong I was. That I'd always figure out a way to take care of myself, no matter what happened. Lily was the emotional one. The soft one. Like I said before, I was so glad that she had you to protect her when we were growing up.” She paused, took a deep breath. A breath that shook a little bit and shifted something inside of his chest, broke something down, a wall he'd built around his heart so long ago. “But the thing is, sometimes my whole tough girl act gets a little old, even for me. Especially when it's what everyone expects from me, all the time.”
He should have been amazed to find out that she wasn't nearly as strong as she seemed. But, then, hadn't he already seen it for himself? When he was making love to her and tears were falling from her eyelashes as she confessed her love, wasn't she just as vulnerable as anyone else?
His voice gentle, he said, “It shouldn't matter what other people expect from you. You should be able to just be yourself.”
She looked out the window at the water, frowning. “I don't know who else I can be.” She turned and gave him a crooked grin that didn't quite reach her eyes. “Take you, for instance. You've always thought I was a total brat.”
At this point, he knew better than to try and deny it. She'd know he was lying. And the one thing he knew for sure was that he didn't want to ever lie to her.
“You're right. I did. But that didn't mean I wasn't impressed by you at the same time.”
Guilt had already kicked in big time at the way he'd treated her since last night. Before that even. And now that she was being so honest with him, he felt more contrite than ever.
“I don't want to hurt you, Janica.”
She blinked at his abrupt statement, her mouth opening slightly, her tongue flicking out in a surprisingly nervous gesture.
“Trust me, I'll tell you if you get too rough.” She smiled that sexy smile that sent blood rushing to his groin. “You haven't even gotten close yet.”
But he wasn't talking physical. God, he hated having to lay it out like this, but there was no other way. Not if it meant lying to her. Not if it meant making her promises that he couldn't possibly keep.
“Your coming here means more to me than I can say, Janica. But it won't work.”
She cocked her head to the side, acting like she didn't know exactly what he was saying.
“It?”
Fuck. She was forcing him to be as brutally honest as she'd been.
“Us. You and me.”
She licked her lips again, dropped her eyes to his mouth. “Seems to me we work together pretty damn well.”
Despite the heavy nature of their conversation, his cock instantly responded to her words, to that one look. And the awesome visuals and memories that went with them.
“Look, I've never been more sexually compatible with another woman, but—”
“But this thing we're doing could never be more than sex?”
Shit. He felt like the world's biggest asshole.
“Right,” he forced out. Asshole didn't even come close.