Avery and I were never official, and after the way her past was thrown into my face like that… I don’t owe her anything. She left the other day without saying anything else, though what could she say after I saw numerous pictures of her with another guy’s junk in her mouth? God, I hate that this side of her even existed. The urge to hit something again spikes inside me, just as Stacia leans closer.
“Take me upstairs,” she whispers.
I push the images from my head and curl my fingers around Stacia’s, needing something warm and familiar to grasp onto. “Come on.”
* * *
I lie in bed, waiting for Stacia to return from the bathroom, wondering what the f**k I’m doing. When she appears in the doorway and saunters toward my bed, I curse the lamp on my dresser currently lighting the room. This would be easier if I didn’t have to look at her, because my mind won’t stop comparing her to Avery. Avery’s soft auburn hair, those wide green eyes.
When Stacia straddles my lap, I let my eyes slip closed. And when she leans down to kiss me, I fight to turn off my brain. Yet it’s impossible not to notice that her mouth doesn’t fit against mine like Avery’s, that she smells different, that she wears too much perfume.
“Wait.” I break the kiss and Stacia opens her eyes. “Go turn off the lights.”
She frowns. “You never used to want the lights off.”
“I know, but I do now.”
She bites her cheek, her mind working, but she dutifully climbs from my lap and crosses the room to switch off the lamp. Once the room is lit by just the dim moonlight, she saunters back toward me, removing her shirt and bra before she reaches the bed. The familiarity of her should comfort me, but my mind is reeling.
She rubs a manicured hand against my uninterested cock. “Just relax, Jase. Let me take care of this tonight.”
I don’t want her. But would it be so bad to do this? To let her try and make me forget the girl I really wanted? Stacia knows we aren’t together. We’ve been down this road before. It won’t change anything between us. Stacia’s fingers fumble with my belt buckle and I close my eyes again, fighting to make myself relax.
Chapter 22
Avery
I hate how alone I feel without Jase. We haven’t spoken since that heated exchange in his room after he found out about my past. I know I shouldn’t have, but a tiny piece of me was hoping that he’d be okay with it. Well, not okay, but maybe more understanding. I guess he isn’t who I thought he was, either. It was stupid to think he could be the one to save me. I’d learned long ago to rely on myself and not put too much stock in others. They just let me down in the end anyway.
I can’t change my past. And as much as I wish I could, I can’t track down every person who downloaded that degrading photo collage. The only thing I can control is what I do next.
Realizing it’s time to deal with my identity issues and face my past once and for all, I open my laptop and log into my email account. I debate over creating a generic email address that can’t be linked to me, but in the end, I want my birthmom to know my name, to know who I am.
I type what I had intended to be a brief message, but it turns out when you’re emailing your mom for the first time, there’s a lot to say. I tell her about my dads, how I had a great childhood, and that I am in college now. I tell her about my roommate and our crazy g*y friend, Noah, who likes to borrow our clothes. I spill my heart out in my note, hoping she’ll laugh when she reads it and understand that I am a normal, happy girl. Or heck, maybe I’m just trying to prove to myself that I really am; either way, I hit send before I change my mind and delete it all.
Madison returns from class a short time later, dropping her bag to the floor and turning to face me with a concerned expression. “Hey…How are you?” The sympathy in her eyes is new.
“Um, fine I guess.”
She crosses the room and hugs me, pulling me firmly into her arms. Uh-oh. Madison is not a hugger.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, wrapping one arm awkwardly around her back.
“We need to talk.” She pulls back suddenly, her hands resting against my shoulders. “Jase stopped me after class today.”
Oh.
Crap.
“And?”
“And he told me. Everything.”
My heart sinks.
Madison continues, “At first he was coy, asking me about your dating background, your experience with guys.” She let out a nervous chuckle. “I basically told him you wouldn’t know what to do if a c**k slapped you upside the head. But he informed me I was wrong. At first, I was proud, but then he explained about the pictures your ex used to exploit you, and I’m so sorry, Avery, I had no idea. Now I feel terrible that I always tried to get you to break out of your shell. I thought you were just a little shy – not scarred from a traumatic event.”
“It’s okay, Madison. I just don’t really tell people about it. But I am okay.”
“Really?” Her brow wrinkles in concern.
I shrug. “I’m trying to deal. It’s not like I have a choice. And I don’t want to hide under a rock anymore.”
Her smile grows, pushing her mouth upwards. “Good, hun. That’s good.” She gives my hand a squeeze “I’m here for you.”
“Thanks, Mads.” I shouldn’t care, but I do, and I can’t resist probing for information on Jase. “So what was Jase’s mood like?”
Madison’s smile falls. “He seemed sad, worried about you, but mostly sad. He wanted to make sure you’re okay.”