“I’m sure he’ll be fine. He has to be.” What a happy reunion this would be. “I’ll be at least twelve hours, but I’m coming.”
They said their good-byes and well wishes. Still trying to squelch her tremors, she walked into the bedroom and rubbed Evan’s bare arm where he lay on his stomach in bed. It was dark except for the dim light from the living room, but he must have sensed her distress somehow, either through her trembling hand or her rapid breathing. Or simply through being totally attuned to her, as he usually was. He lifted his head and squinted at her. “What’s wrong?”
“I have to go home.”
Evan managed to get them on a red-eye out of Honolulu. Kelsey, her hair up and her face scrubbed of makeup, took her seat and watched as he stowed their carry-on bags overhead. He hadn’t had much to say since she woke him, and even now his face was grim, his jaw set. Not that she expected him to be overjoyed about this. She certainly wasn’t.
“I’m sorry,” she said, probably for the thousandth time, as he finished the chore and settled beside her.
“I told you, it’s fine. You need to be there.”
She sighed and pushed back in her seat, stretching her legs. They’d been sitting at the airport for what felt like hours, though it hadn’t been that long. He’d told her again and again that he understood. But she knew if the situation were reversed—if it were Courtney’s bedside he was rushing to—she could only imagine how it would feel. “I need to say it for the rest of my life, though. I’ve ruined your trip.”
“It wasn’t ruined, just cut short a couple of days. We’ll make up for it someday.”
Someday. It sounded too vague. Too distant, too undecided. She had a helpless feeling, like she’d touched heaven and was now watching it slowly recede from her sight. Fantasy had become her home for several days, and only upon leaving it was she realizing how safe and warm it had been. This plane would touch down in Reality. Cold and hard.
Kelsey took his hand, desperate for some reassurance, some comfort. He linked his fingers through hers. She’d been hoping for that response, but still it felt empty.
“He’ll be okay,” he said, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.
She hoped so with all her heart, but that hadn’t been the assurance she was looking for from him. “I think so, too.” She nodded, watching other passengers file in. It didn’t look to be a full flight. “I mean, it’s a pretty good sign they didn’t have to airlift him, right? But I could tell Sandra is really scared. How was she when you talked to her?”
“Pretty much the same. And angry, too. But of course she would be, given what she’s been through. She was practically like another mom to me growing up. It’ll be good to see her again, just not under these circumstances.”
Kelsey tore her absent gaze away from the vomit bag in the pocket in front of her—she hoped she wouldn’t need it at some point—and looked at him. “You’re going to the hospital with me?”
“Unless you don’t want me there.”
“Of course I do, I just…”
“Just…thought I didn’t care?”
“No.” Kelsey sighed miserably. “Courtney will probably be there, you know.”
“I can deal with Courtney. Can you?”
“I suppose to avoid getting an assault charge in the hospital waiting room, I’ll have to deal with her. Can’t have you prosecuting me,” she added in a lame attempt to lighten the mood.
He chuckled, then let go of her hand to pull his white cap low over his eyes and tilt his seat back. “Try to get some sleep.”
“Yeah.”
But she couldn’t. She watched the lights slip by their window as they taxied. She breathed through the force pressing her back in her seat as they took off—she secretly hated to fly. Evan had kept her well entertained on the journey over, but now she was on her own. The ground fell away. The twinkling lights of Honolulu dropped from under them, growing more and more distant until there was nothing but the endless black void of the ocean below. How had things gone so horridly wrong over the space of a couple of hours? One minute Evan was making love to her, the next they were on a plane headed home and acting little better than strangers. Surely it was a bad dream, all of this. She would wake up in his arms any minute. Any minute now…
Her vision blurred and she shivered, wrapping her arms around herself until a flight attendant noticed and brought her a blanket.
It didn’t help.
“You think I’m crazy, don’t you?” Kelsey asked as Evan opened the glass door to Mannville Memorial’s lobby for her. Even before they stepped over the threshold, that sterile hospital scent rushed out on a blast of air-conditioned air to swamp her. She didn’t mind the smell so much when the visit was a happy one, like for the birth of a baby—and it looked as if she would get to visit Lisa in the hospital after all—but when a life hung in limbo, it was all the more stagnant and depressing.
“No, I think I am,” he said. “God, this is going to be hard.” They walked over to the elevator and he punched the button. Then he jammed his hands in his jeans pockets and stared at the floor.
They hadn’t stopped since leaving the Houston airport, driving two hours straight to the hospital. She was dying for a shower and sleep. She’d been wide awake all through the flight. She’d watched the colors of dawn streak the sky, she’d watched the blessed ground finally rush up to meet them. The drive home had been spent mostly on the phone. She looked like hell and she was ready to drop. Last she’d heard, Todd had made it through surgery but wasn’t out of the woods yet.
“Evan…”
“Yeah?”
Won’t there be questions? Won’t they see we came together and we both look like hell? What do we say? What is it that we have here?
She shook her head to clear out the thoughts and reached to put her arms around his waist. He pulled his hands out of his pockets and drew her to him, so she could feel him breathe. His chin rested on the top of her head. As close as they were standing, there seemed to be a gulf between them. It was…a friend’s hug. Not the intimate comfort between lovers who drew strength just from one another’s embrace. But a pat-on-the-back, it’ll-be-okay hug. Please, God, let that all be in my head. “Crazy as we might be, I am glad you’re with me,” she told him, trying to narrow the gap.
“Good,” he said. “Because I feel like I really don’t have a place here.”
“Hey, I feel that way, too,” she said gently. “But Sandra asked me to be here, that’s all that matters. And I know she’ll love to see you.” She looked up at his face. The denim-blue shirt he was wearing dulled the intensity of his green eyes, making them appear almost murky. Or maybe it was just exhaustion. Her fault, all of it.
The elevator doors finally slid open, and she wasn’t encouraged when he released her and stepped on, maintaining his distance once they were both shut inside.
It was then that she began to fume.
This was no picnic for her, either. She didn’t want to be here, she wanted to be lying on the beach, or in bed with him, or stuffing her face with seafood. He lounged against the wall, watching the digital floor numbers tick by. She crossed her arms and stared at her feet. If this was the way it was going to be, she would play right along. For the last ten years of her life, she’d felt like she was chasing after love. First Evan’s. Then Todd’s when she realized something was wrong in their marriage. Now Evan’s again. Damn him, he wasn’t going to do this to her.
She bit her lip on a curse minutes later as they entered the fourth floor waiting area. Sandra was in the corner on the phone. A few of Todd’s aunts and uncles and cousins were there, but Kelsey had never known them well—they were all from out of state.
Courtney’s blonde head was bent over a magazine. That hair… God, she would recognize it anywhere, without even seeing the face it framed. The strands twinkled as if tiny lights were embedded in them. She’d always envied that hair.
For a moment, she wanted to turn and bolt from the room. Or at least grab on to Evan. But he wasn’t touching her, for support or otherwise.
Courtney’s gaze flickered upward and tangled with hers. Kelsey saw her shoulders inflate with her breath, and slowly, she set her magazine aside. When her eyes moved to Evan, her expression flattened. Shattered.
Awkward.
“Kelsey!” Sandra had hung up the phone and was crossing the room, her arms outstretched. She caught Kelsey in a firm hug that belied her frail build. “I’m so glad you’re here. It’s so good to see you. Who’s the handsome stranger you’ve brought with you?”
Evan grinned as Sandra moved to him, and he enfolded her in his arms. “Hey, beautiful.”
“I’ve missed you both so much.”
“I’m sorry,” he told her, seeming unwilling to let her go. “I’ve been horrible. I’ll come see you more often, I promise.”
“Oh, honey, I know you’re busy.” Kelsey heard the unspoken words that filled the ensuing pause: And I know my son wrecked your life. “But you’re welcome to come see me any time. Both of you.” She withdrew from Evan’s arms and dabbed at her eyes.
“Any change?” he asked.
“He’s been awake, thank God,” Sandra said, the weariness that only followed profound relief evident in her voice. “It looks like the surgery was a success.”
“That’s good.”
Sandra looked them both over, puzzlement wrinkling her brow. “I’m almost more worried about you two right now. You both look exhausted. Where did you say you were?”
Oh, God. The question was aimed at Kelsey, who hadn’t admitted where she’d been in any of her conversations with Sandra. It hadn’t come up. Dammit, she and Evan should have discussed this! Desperately, she shot a glance at him. He was rubbing the back of his neck in an uncharacteristic fidget.
It wouldn’t have mattered if they’d rehearsed what they were going to say or not. Evan wouldn’t want to lie about it. She’d have felt guilty about making him. It was probably only her imagination, but it felt like every conversation in the room had dropped, and all eyes were on them. Especially Courtney’s.
“We, uh…we were in Hawaii,” Evan said, when it became apparent Kelsey couldn’t get her voice to work.
“Oh…” Sandra’s gaze traveled between them, understanding dawning. Along with more than a little disappointment. “I had no idea. Kelsey, I’m sorry, honey, you should have told me. Of course I wouldn’t have asked you to—”
“You were in Hawaii?” The hoarse demand came from behind Sandra, where Courtney had risen from her chair. Her blonde eyebrows pulled together in anguish, her fists clenched. “Evan, you…you took…”
She caught the words somehow, perhaps noticing how everyone swung to look at her, and leaned over to snatch her purse off the floor. It was then that Kelsey realized how the other woman looked; Courtney was always well put-together, immaculately dressed even when she was lounging around the house. But today she had on a plain red T-shirt and jeans that appeared to have come from the depths of the hamper. Kelsey stiffened as she stalked toward them, but she only swept past them and out of the waiting room. Evan watched her go, looking like he felt two inches tall. He even took a step toward the door as if he meant to follow her.