I woke up before the alarm went off, but remained in bed for a long time, thinking. My head was a bit clearer than it had been the day before, even if my emotions were still incredibly tangled and my heart was still aching.
Two men had told me they loved me: Jake and Chase. Two men as different as night and day.
And I loved them both...or at least I thought that I did.
What’s that old song, Abby? Love the one you’re with? That’s me. But when I’m away from them, they both tear at my heart. Selfishly, I wish I could love both of them, not have to choose. But that won’t work because neither man is interested in sharing me with the other. And besides, I can’t continue to carry the guilt that I feel when I am with one, and away from the other. It’s like my heart is split into two pieces, unable to be fully given to just one man.
Jake is dominant to my submissive and it’s a perfect relationship, at least on the surface. No strings attached, no romantic involvement, but the freedom to explore all that comes with a dominant submissive arrangement. Pain versus pleasure. My surrender...his control. Complicated in its own way, but nothing compared to what happens when someone steps out of the boundaries of such a relationship. Like Jake.
Jake; gorgeous, sexy Jake. Tightly wound and under control Jake. Jake, who has secrets...so many secrets that I feel I can’t really be sure of exactly who he is.
Jake... kind, gentle yet mysteriously dangerous Jake. The first man to tell me that he loved me.
And then there is Chase.
Chase owns a BDSM club and I’ll never forget the first night that I met him, and just how much pleasure he gave to me. The scene was indescribable. Chase tied me up with rope, intricate knots that took a long time to construct. I was immobile on a table, arms out to the side, legs spread wide. And completely nak*d, the kind of vulnerable nak*d that would normally throw me into a whirlwind of panic and anxiety yet with Chase I felt as though I would be okay, and that my body, regardless of its many curves, was beautiful...from head to toe.
Chase had said not all rope play ends in a sexual encounter, but it was clear from the moment we started just how the night would end. The sexual chemistry between us lit up the room, washing away all concern for anything and anyone else. Including Jake.
Jake said he’d learned something from our time at the club, from seeing me with Chase. He learned he didn’t want to—couldn’t—share me with anyone because his feelings were deeper than he realized. He loved me, and when a man loves a woman the last thing he wants to do is share that love with someone else.
I learned something that night as well. I learned the power of temptation, the power Chase Thomas had over me.
I don’t remember all of what happened at the club; toward the end it’s a faded blur of sensations and memories, contorted and confusing, and then it all goes black. But I remembered what mattered most.
Because when Chase called the next day, asking to see me—no, not asking, exactly...Chase doesn’t ask as much as expect compliance—I went willingly, anxious to see him again.
So now I’m caught between two men, each with a stranglehold on my heart, each charming and charismatic...and damaged in their own way. And neither is willing to share me with anyone, especially not with the other.
And now I need to make a choice. Both Jake and Chase were finally honest with me about their pasts. Each told me things that were hard for them to talk about, much less describe in such detail so that I completely understood. I know it was terribly hard for them to reveal these secrets that they had kept hidden for so many years, but they trusted me...they both knew their secrets were safe with me. And they are. I will forever guard them with my heart for the pain behind their eyes is something I never want to see again.
But I still have questions, of both men...and of myself. And I need to find the answers. This limbo we’re all in is killing me, hurting them and I’m the only one who can get us out of it. I just don’t know where to begin.
Leslie found me mid-afternoon the following Wednesday. I’d gotten to work early; sifted through the rubble on my desk that I’d left behind the day before and managed to make a dent in my overflowing inboxes, paper and email, respectively.
“Hey, you. Feeling better than yesterday?” She set a large Styrofoam cup of coffee in front of me. She carried a much smaller one in her other hand, obviously meant for herself. Apparently I looked like I needed the industrial-sized coffee cup.
I glanced up quickly, motioning her to sit down. “Just give me a minute, let me finish this.” I typed a sentence, hit send and pushed the keyboard away.
The coffee smelled wonderful, hazelnut mocha if I had to guess.
“What’s this for? Do I still look like hell? Or whatever you said it was I looked like yesterday?” I’d left work early, almost no sleep the night before. The last night I spent with Chase.
“ ‘Fifty shades of hell’ was what you looked like the last time you pulled an all-nighter with Jake,” she replied teasingly. “Yesterday you looked horrible after your all-nighter with Chase.” She pushed the cup across the desk toward me.
“It’s an apology and a gift, all rolled into one. I wasn’t really fair to you yesterday. This must be hard...this...situation.” She waved her fingers in the air.
“Yeah, it is.” I took a swallow of coffee, hot, caffeinated. Just what I needed.
“So, what’s next? You have a plan? Something you can share? I know how big you are on secrets these days.” She grinned at me over the edge of her coffee cup.
I set the cup down, watching the steam drift from the coffee. More secretive than you know, Leslie.
“I don’t know, Leslie. It’s really complicated.” I suddenly felt awkward discussing my relationships with Leslie even though she was my closest friend. It felt like I was trading secrets. Secrets both Jake and Chase had trusted with me.
Leslie nodded sympathetically, settling down in her chair. “I can imagine.”
I took another fortifying swallow of coffee. The chime of an incoming email distracted me for a moment. Leslie was still watching me.
“Do you think if you talked about it, it would be easier? I’m always here, Abby. You know that.”
I fidgeted in my chair. Did I really want to go into all the details with Leslie? I felt a pang of guilt; for Jake and Chase and their secrets. And a pang of guilt for my best friend, because right now, I really needed her, needed to not feel so alone with this situation.
“Leslie, this is hard. These guys trusted me with their secrets, some pretty serious stuff. I don’t know...” I played with my pen, drawing aimless circles on my notepad.
I looked up at her. And realized I needed to talk about this, even if it was hard. To save my own sanity, maybe.
“There’s someone I think I need to find. Jake had a sub before me. Her name is Jane.” I took a deep breath.
“She apparently had some kind of breakdown while they were having a session, something triggered a memory of abuse by her step-father.”
“What would happen in a session that would do that? I thought you said these were safe sessions?”
I could see the concern on Leslie’s face.
“They are safe; they should be safe. But Jane was being disciplined by Jake; he was spanking her for disobeying while in submissive role.”
Leslie scowled. “Wait. He was spanking her? And she let him? I don’t get this.”
“I’ve been spanked. By both of them.” My voice was low. “Once as discipline, by Jake. And once...” I hesitated, my voice almost a whisper.
“And once by Chase...at the club. The first time I saw him.”
Leslie’s scowl deepened. “Oh, Abby, you’ve been holding out on me. You never told me that. Was it hard? I mean, after Jake?”
I nodded. “But I want to talk about Jane now, not what happened with Chase or Jake.” I took another swallow of coffee. At this rate, I’d be up all night again.
“Anyway, the spanking for discipline was apparently just like what her step-father did before he, well, did whatever he did. Jake didn’t go into details. He said she’d never gotten help for whatever happened. So she ran out and he never saw her again. She just vanished.”
Leslie let out a breath. “Wow. Heavy stuff. So what’s your reason for wanting to find Jane? Doesn’t what Jake told you sound like the whole story?”
“No. Or yes...or maybe it’s Jake’s version. I was so happy he’d finally let down his guard, let me in on why he’s so controlled all the time. He’s convinced he’d hurt Jane, that if somehow he’d have been less...aggressive...she’d have been okay.”
I was circling a phone number on my scratch pad. “Apparently their sessions were quite intense, on all levels. Jake wasn’t the restrained dominant I know.”
“So you think he’s a ticking time bomb? Like tie you to the bed and then go all wild on you?”
I shook my head. “No, not so much. Or if he did, I’d probably like it.” I felt myself blush.
“Chase is a lot like that. Not the tie-me-to-the-bed part...um, but the wild part. He’s quite...aggressive in his own way.” But he did tie you to a table. In public. Don’t forget that.
“Yeah, but why do you want to find Jane? Do you think she has answers you’re not getting from Jake?”
“I’m getting there. Chase knew Jane...or knows of Jane.” I waited. That was too big of a bombshell for Leslie to pass up. I was right. I cringed again. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.
“You’re kidding? Really? Like, from the club?” Smart girl.
“Actually it’s Chase’s office manager, or assistant manager, or assistant something, Stacy, who knew her. They worked at the same dance club. Stacy told Chase that Jane told her that Jake abused her, beat her and treated her badly. Something like that. Not quite what Jake told me.”
“Oh, man. So you’ve got two sides but you want it direct from the submissive’s mouth?” She leaned forward, a little too intense, a little too interested. This was what I wanted to avoid.
“I guess that’s it.” And it was, pretty cut and dried.
“So call Stacy. She must have Jane’s number, right?” Leslie sat back, sipping her coffee. I heard the chime of another incoming message. I tapped my mouse, bringing up an email from my boss, Burke.
“Well...I don’t know. I mean, Jake said Jane disappeared. Cell phone disconnected, family hadn’t heard from her. I don’t know that Stacy would know anything else, but she’s the only connection left I can think of.”
“So what are you waiting for? Call Stacy.” Leslie is pretty much straight to the point on things.
“I am...I will. But I don’t want to call the club if Chase is there. I feel like I’m checking his story or something.”
“You are! And you’re checking on Jake’s. You have a right to know the truth, don’t you? If you’re in doubt, you need to know, Abby.” Leslie reached across the desk, her hand resting on mine, squeezing it briefly.
“This has gone past just who you’re going to be f**king in the future. It kind of involves your safety in either relationship, doesn’t it?”