I blamed myself for his death. Not just because I couldn't stop Lucan's sword from plunging forward and taking the life from him. No, I could trace my responsibility all the way back to the beginning. Standing in the woods without a clue as to what I was doing, I drained his magic then and left him vulnerable and captive. And then again at the farm, it was my failure to stop the Titans from taking him and everyone else. It was my failure to stop Lucan from murdering my grandfather that sent him to prison again.
Had he been found trespassing this last time as his first offense, Lucan wouldn't have killed him. Lucan would have sent him to prison where Avalon would have broken him out. Avalon asked me to save him and instead I watched his innocent life float violently from him in a nightmare I played over and over in my head.
You can't blame yourself. Avalon scolded, jumping into my thought train. Always with me lately, Avalon never let me think this all the way through.
I can blame myself. And I'm going to. I countered, irrationally frustrated with his intrusion.
Where is Kiran? He should be with you right now! I could feel Avalon pacing nervously back and forth across a wood floor, his hands tight and clenched together behind his back. A natural leader, he played the part of a general about to lead his troops to bloody battle perfectly.
I sent him away. I murmured inside my head, remembering the way I ignored him until he got so worked up with anxiety that he stormed out of the room mumbling something about getting a doctor.
Eden, you cannot go on living like this; we have a job to do, a job that is contingent on your willing cooperation. If you stay comatose, in a big ball of depression, Lucan has already won. Do you understand that? When I stayed silent, he continued. I let this go on for a while because I know you are.... sensitive.... you feel more than I do.... And because I am worried it might have traumatized you, but it can't go on anymore. This whole blaming yourself for everything, will not do. You have to snap out of this, you have to use it to move you, to remind you of your purpose, but not to paralyze you. You're stronger than this.
I know that you're right, Avalon. I have this conversation with myself all the time. But I can't stop thinking about him. And how this is my fault. Just like it was my fault with Amory and with you.... and with Lilly and everybody! I destroy everything I touch. It's me. I'm defective. I groaned, basking in the pity party and knowing that I sounded pathetic; it just added to my pile of offenses.
Oh my gosh, this is the most miserable thing I've ever heard. Get over yourself, and get over what happened. Ronan was ready for death, ready to face Lucan. I know this, because I never would have sent him unless he understood perfectly the possible consequences of his actions. We're all like that, Eden. We are all ready to die! You certainly are! Remember flying into the castle just in time to save your brother from his hour of doom? Or in the courtroom when you saved Lilly? How about in the Caves when you faced the wind? Why do you get to die and everybody else has to go on living just so you don't feel bad? Avalon demanded and I started, although reluctantly, to see his point.
Ok, yes.... I whined, not ready to give up yet. But that's just it, I just keep on living, and everyone else just keeps on dying....
That's the thing with real immortality. I think it's going to happen whether there's a war or not, Ede. Yeah? He approached, carefully bringing humor to the conversation.
Ok.... yeah.... I conceded, seeing already where he wanted to take his point.
And that's why it's so important for us to open the magic and give everyone real immortality....? Having successfully made his point and hit a mark with me, I could feel him beam with arrogance and I desperately wished we were close enough so I could punch him.
Fine, I'm over it. I lied. It wasn't that simple. But Avalon's words started something, a healing process.
Good. Avalon cheered, knowing full well I had a long way to go. Although, you're pissing Lucan off pretty good, so we've got that going for you. Kiran says he's fuming around the castle the longer this takes. It's fun for now, but he might overreact if you push him too hard, Eden. Avalon warned, but I stayed stuck on his comment about Kiran.
How do you know what Kiran says? I demanded, starting to wonder about their friendship, and why they seemed to be in constant communication.
Uh, he told me. He, uh, called because he was worried about you. And because he thought I would get a kick out of you pissing off his dad. Avalon explained quickly, and I felt him cover some memory or knowledge he wasn't ready for me to uncover.
Isn't he mad I'm pissing his dad off? I tried to covertly get to the bottom of this.
No, he hates his dad.
Since when? I gasped, even inside my head I could hear my voice turn into a shriek.
Hey, listen, this sounds like a conversation you should have with him, not me. Avalon moved quickly inside his head to cover all the places I suddenly wanted to dig into. He was keeping something from me and I needed to know what it was. Don't, Eden, please stop. It's not my place to tell you anything. This is seriously a conversation you need to have with him. Maybe, a little heart to heart would be good for you both.
Um, yeah, that is so not going to happen. I sighed, giving Avalon his privacy. I knew what it felt like to have no mental space of my own, so I could hardly blame Avalon for not wanting to get into the middle of the disaster that was Kiran and me, by giving up information he tried to protect.
Aw, you're such a good sister. Avalon teased, following my thought train.
Well, you suck as a brother. I grumbled, not meaning a single word.
That really hurts, seriously, I don't think I’ll ever recover-
“Eden?” Jedrec called from the door, cutting Avalon off and bringing my attention back to reality.
“Yes?” I asked, turning from the window to face him.
“His Majesty would like to see you in the dining room. He has asked that you dress for dinner and a nice occasion and to let you know there will be guests so you need to be on good behavior tonight,” Jedrec instructed carefully, nervously.
I sighed exasperatedly and stood up. Jedrec looked taken aback by my obedience, staring me over with renewed interest.
“What?” I asked self-consciously.
“It's just that, excuse me for saying so, but I hardly expected you to obey a direct command after the last several weeks.....” Jedrec explained, stepping all the way into the room and closing the door behind him to muffle our conversation from the rest of the protective Guard outside the door.
“I think we both understand what he will do if I don't obey,” I reminded him, pointedly.
A look of comprehension flashed across Jedrec's face, followed by one of sincere respect for me and I wasn't quite sure where it came from.
“Did you know him well? The prisoner that died?” Jedrec asked gently, the soft Romanian accent tingeing his tone. He sounded just like all the rest of the Titans. Since coming to the castle, I learned that they are all born and raised in Romania, their training and schooling all happens here. Romania seems to be more magical to them for some reason, enabling extra strength to their abilities that seem more subdued everywhere else.
“A little,” I conceded, not wanting to go into every detail of our complicated past.
“And yet you treat him as though he were family, the way you mourn for him,” Jedrec pressed, his curiosity getting the best of him. I knew Lucan would be furious if he heard our conversation, and with that thought I pushed forward, through the fresh pain of Ronan's death and toward a higher defiance.
“Ronan,” I said his name slowly, so that Jedrec would start putting a person with the death and not just a criminal. “I am not just mourning for him; I'm mourning the cruel and unjustified way he had to die.”
“But he trespassed; he was a Shape-shifter. Eden, he was a criminal that defied our king,” Jedrec reasoned, sure I would agree.
“No,” I corrected, “he defied your king. And what did he do that was so bad? I mean, he escaped prison twice, but the first time was to avoid another death sentence. I'll give you that one, because that time he did actually make an attempt on the prince's life and I'm sure there was no other choice but to give him death. But,” I reasoned, growing more animated the further into my explanation I got, “the second time, Lucan only thinks he escaped. In reality, Kiran let him go. He was part of the trade for Sebastian, when Sebastian was in my custody,” I finished flippantly and Jedrec stood floored for a moment.
“Wait, Prince Kiran traded him for Sebastian?” he clarified.
“Yes, but Lucan doesn't know that because Lucan stopped caring what happened to Sebastian the minute I took his magic,” I informed him. Seeing how confused Jedrec was becoming, and not having more time to explain I rushed forward to finish my list of crimes against Lucan. “None of that matters anyway though, because Lucan would have killed Ronan anyway, just because he was a Shape-shifter and in his precious Citadel. But Ronan wasn't even going after Lucan, he was just trying to rescue some of the other condemned that you have locked away until I act out and Lucan decides to kill them too! Jedrec, why are they down there? What have they done that's so terrible that they rot away in prison, tormented by the magic of the land and just waiting on death?”
“They were plotting against the king,” Jedrec explained the were obvious, although I could feel more than hear the unsaid questions in his voice.
“There is a child down there, I've been down there, I know. You're telling me that small boy plotted against Lucan with the intent to kill him?” I narrowed my eyes at Jedrec waiting for him to answer me. After several moments of silence I continued, “Even still, suppose everyone else down there did want him dead. Don't you think they have good reason? I mean look at our society. We're all dying out. Or, I should say, you're all dying out. I won't die, I have all four types of magic, I'm truly immortal,” I finished casually, hoping to drive home how dire his situation was. I watched Jedrec process all of this since this may have been the first time he had ever thought any of this through. “What I'm trying to say is that he and all his forefathers have restricted the magic, by restricting marriage and banning the Shape-shifters, your is growing shorter and shorter, the King's Curse is almost guaranteed in everyone now and that is just awful, let me tell you.... And especially in your kind; there aren't enough women to go around! Why shouldn't they plot against the king? He's slowly exterminating our people, and now that he has Amory's magic and true immortality he can sit back and watch every single one of his people die while he rules from a golden throne all alone.”
“Eden, you cannot say any of those things,” Jedrec sobered, warning me with gravity. “If Lucan, I mean, King Lucan were to find out you said any of that, surely he would punish you.”
“You're probably right,” I agreed, standing up and walking over to my closet. “Please don't tell him,” I begged, pretending to be worried. “I would never be able to live with myself if someone died because I have a hard time keeping my opinions to myself.” That was the fierce truth.
“Please, just hurry and get ready, by now they have been waiting on you,” Jedrec instructed and then excused himself from the room.
I looked at my closet, trying to decide what to wear for only a few minutes before Kiran knocked softly and entered the room.