What it means to ascend
They lie in beds dutifully
Like pretty boys do
And observing their compliance gives
Me the strength I need to push on
With amazing finger strength and
The awful horrible need
I rise, never looking down
Or caring if I fall—because
It would end suddenly, everything
As I was climbing free for me
And not lying in bed for them
But when I reach the slate roof
And pull myself onto
The toothlike shingles, and then
With my heels in the copper gutters
My head in the stars
I howl out my freedom
Like a bullet exploding
From a gun barrel
And I know
That they will never
Keep me down
Because there is always
An exit window
That leads somewhere
No one else will go
And the gambling bastards
Well, they always leave it unlocked
Yes, they do
25
The Environment’s Health Is the Last Thing on Her Mind
Nanette shares Alex’s poetry with June, and they discuss “The Expendable Spider-Man Alex” at great length. June understands Nanette’s concerns about the word expendable in the title and the risky behavior described in the poem, but she says that teenagers often fantasize, and regardless of whether the poem is a metaphor, Alex is in no way taking Nanette’s feelings into consideration.
“Did he even ask you one question about yourself when he showed up uninvited and interrupted—and based on what you told me, I’d even say ruined—your family’s Christmas? You told me about driving the Jeep with your parents, and it sounded like pure bliss, and then Alex inserts his problems into your life, and you end up here feeling anxious and responsible. Can you see how that makes Alex out to be the villain here?”
Nanette can indeed see that, but she also remembers the electric feeling of Alex’s lips touching hers and the important way she feels when she alone reads his poetry—words with which he entrusted her.
“Do you think this is a healthy relationship, Nanette?” June asks. “Or a fool’s romance?”
“What do you think?” Nanette asks Oliver after she finishes telling him all about her Christmas experience with Alex and what June has suggested. They’re sitting on the floor in Oliver’s bedroom, surrounded by pictures of flowers. It’s early January.
“As much as I love Alex, June certainly makes many good points,” Oliver says.
“Are you worried that Alex is actually climbing the outside walls of his reform school?”
“Um, I guess so.”
“He could fall.”
“Yes, he could.”
“You seem unconcerned.”
“Ask me how I’m doing,” Oliver says, and then smiles.
“How are you doing?”
“Fantastic. Ask me why?”
“Why are you fantastic?”
“A girl named Violet transferred into my school. Her parents are botanists and she knows even more about flowers than I do! We’ve been eating lunch together every day. It’s the first time I have ever eaten lunch with anyone! Violet dyes her hair African violet purple and wears little yellow hair things to make her head look like the flower. Isn’t that amazing?”
“Are you in love, Oliver?”
“Maybe!”
Arrangements are soon made for Nanette to meet Violet, and when she does, in Oliver’s bedroom, the young couple hold hands the whole time in the most adorable way, proving that they are indeed under the spell of love.
“What is your favorite flower, Nanette?” Violet asks.
Nanette never really thought about that before, so she names the first flower that pops into her head.
“What color lily?” Violet asks.
“White?” Nanette says.
“That symbolizes purity.”
“How old are you again?”
“We’re the same age,” Oliver says. “Isn’t that great?”
“Yes,” Nanette says, and then makes an excuse to leave. Oliver doesn’t need her anymore. That’s certain.
When Nanette visits Booker, she finds that Sandra has practically moved in with the now-much-less-reclusive former writer, and they, too, are always holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes. It’s a nightmare, because Booker won’t take anything that Nanette says seriously. When she tells him about the Spider-Man poem, Booker says, “The boy is being dramatic! That’s all.” Sandra also seems unconcerned.
Nanette’s parents begin scheduling date nights for themselves to have some “quality time,” which leaves Nanette quite alone with her thoughts. So she takes long drives in her Jeep with the top down and the heat turned up.
She has nowhere to go, no one to visit, and so she drives sort of aimlessly for hours and hours.
June suggests that Nanette needs to engage again with new people—find a new hobby because “driving around is not only boring, but it’s also not good for the environment. Especially since you drive a gas-guzzling Jeep.” June means it as a joke, but Nanette doesn’t laugh. Considering all that is going on—or not going on—the environment’s health is the last thing on her mind.
She realizes that her time with Booker and Oliver has somehow come to a close.
Oliver is okay.
Booker is okay.
Nanette is still not okay.
26
He Has Sort of Become a Concept
One year after Nanette kissed her English teacher Mr. Graves in his classroom on Valentine’s Day, she’s playing a rather unromantic game of Scrabble with her parents when the doorbell rings. Even though Nanette has decided that her relationship with Alex is over, her heart leaps at the thought that he might actually be standing on their front porch steps. She’s shocked to find herself running to the door, but when she opens it, Alex is not there.