I didn't say any of that to her though, I only nodded and finally opened the door. She leaned over the seat and called out after me as I stepped out of the vehicle. "Lucas?" I bent down and popped my head back inside, the lemon smell of her car battling with the putrid smell of the garbage can on the sidewalk. She started to wriggle out of my jacket. "Here...you can take this back."
I shook my head. "No. I don't want it." I repeated my earlier phrase and she stopped mid-wriggle to look at me. "Keep it," I said quietly.
She looked confused by that, and a tad relieved, like she hadn't really wanted to give up her warmth. I nodded at her and quickly shut the door before she could protest further.
I walked up to my front step to prepare myself for an afternoon of pitying, and most likely crying, when I heard her car start to pull away. I turned at the door and watched her wave from the window as she backed into the street and then drove away, towards school.
See you around bathroom girl.
Well, my first day hadn't been great, but I suppose it could have been worse. I could have thrown up on Sawyer. There's that.
Chapter 3
Me, My Friends and I
It was late when my mom came back home, well after midnight. I'd already sulked for hours, watched the rain when it picked back up and re-dampened the pavement outside, and made myself a dinner of pepperoni Hot Pockets. Such a productive day. I was lying on the couch, watching late night TV, when I heard the front door crack open. A flash of guilt washed through me as I looked over at my tiny mother in her waitressing uniform.
She looked exhausted, her ponytail barely holding back her hair that had frizzed out a little in the rainstorm. A long piece had fallen free and she tucked it behind her ear as she turned to face me with a small frown on her lips. Ignoring the look that clearly said, 'shouldn't you be asleep,' I glanced down at the large coffee stain on the front of her skirt.
"Have a good night?" I asked, before she could launch into an 'it's a school night' speech.
She sighed and plopped her heavy purse on the kitchen counter before trudging into the living room to sit on the couch beside me. I put my arm around her shoulders and she leaned her head into mine. "It was...alright."
I knew she was lying. I could tell by her voice and her face and the overall look of her, that the night hadn't gone well at all. She worked nights at a diner on the edge of town. The small eatery was a favorite place to go for a lot of the locals, but was also frequented by gamblers coming in and out of the casino just outside of town and visitors going in and out of the federal prison, also just outside of town. The mixture of the three groups wasn't always a peaceful one. By the look of her uniform and the haggardness of her sigh, someone hadn't been too pleased with the service tonight. I wanted to ask her about it, but knew my mom well enough to know that she'd never confide her troubles in me. To me, her life would always be...alright.
"How was your first day?" Her head lifted off my shoulder and her gaze narrowed as true concern filled her. The ups and downs in her life might be acceptable to her, but my life was a completely different story. Sometimes I wondered why my life was always so much higher on her list of priorities than her own.
I threw on a tired smile. "It was...alright."
She frowned and pulled away from my arm to study me better. I wasn't sure what she saw, but I could imagine it well enough - eyes slightly red from tiredness, and an embarrassing bout of crying earlier, face worn and hair rumpled, clothes disarrayed from restless pacing. I was probably pulling off "alright" about as well as she was. Unfortunately for me, she was a mom, and wasn't about to let me get away with an outright lie, like I'd just let her. Life could be unfair that way.
"What happened, Lucas?"
I sighed and looked away from her. How do I tell her? How do I add to the woman's worries; she had enough as it was. I couldn't tell her about the stares. I couldn't tell her about the whispers. I definitely couldn't tell her about the conversation about me the jerks on the bus were having. I couldn't tell her about Josh itching for a fight. I couldn't tell her about Will repeatedly tripping me in English. I couldn't tell her I'd thrown up in the bushes. There was so much I couldn't tell her...just like I couldn't about that night. It would do her no good to know. In fact, it would only hurt her if she did. There wasn't a whole lot of ways that I, as a seventeen year old boy, could help her...except this one. I'd omit.
I looked back to her concerned eyes and very quietly said, "I skipped a few classes. I'll need a pass."
She opened her mouth to question me more and then she shut it. Searching my eyes, she must have noticed something in the hazel depths, something that made her realize I wasn't going to go into detail for her. It was my way to protect her. A tiny smile lit the very edges of her lips and she sighed again. "I'll call the school in the morning." She tenderly kissed my forehead. "Get some sleep, Lucas. You do have school tomorrow."
She stood and, rubbing out a spot in her back, turned to walk down the hallway to where the bedrooms were. "Goodnight, Mom," I called out softly after her and she called back goodnight in return. I looked down at my hands and momentarily wished I could tell her everything. Everything about that night, everything that had happened today, even what had happened this morning on the sidewalk. But I couldn't, and I didn't. The burden was mine to bear, not hers.
I rubbed my eyes and went back to watching an infomercial that seemed to be playing on a never ending loop. It seemed like just a few seconds later when the cushion on the other side of me compressed and I looked over to see a very alive and beautiful Lillian smiling brilliantly at me.
"Hey, Lucas! What riveting show are we watching?" Her full lips turned to a soft pout as she turned her head to look at the TV. "Oh god, that fishing thing again?" She turned back to me, still pouting. "You're not seriously thinking of buying that thing are you? You don't even fish."
Nothing about her being here seemed odd to me. Lillian had often stopped by at weird hours of the night, just to spend time with me. She'd sneak out of her home and sneak into mine, just to snuggle on the couch and watch television for a few hours before sneaking back. It was always a pleasant surprise when she popped in.
I smiled and brought my arm around her and she giggled, leaning into my side. "Maybe I want to start."
She kissed me softly. "Fishing takes forever, Luc. What am I supposed to do while you're out playing with trout?"
I cupped her pale cheek, lightly highlighted with a rosy blush, and kissed her tenderly, savoring the feel of her lips against mine. "You could come with me? We could do this while we wait."
She giggled against my lips and ran her hand down my chest while our mouths moved in perfect synch. Something about the conversation triggered a memory in me, like deja vu, I felt like I'd seen and done all this with her before. I pulled away from her mouth, the familiar scent of cherry lip balm almost overpowering me. "I'm dreaming...aren't I?"
She sighed and her pale eyes seemed to sadden as she looked over my face. "Yeah, I'm sorry."
I smiled softly and fought back the sudden ache in my chest. "Don't be. As far as dreams go..." I shook my head, "this one's not so bad."
Her hand on my chest rested on my heart and my other hand snaked around her waist to pull her into me. My realization that this wasn't real, didn't alter the fact that it felt real. Her hands on me were warm and alive. Her breath against my face was soft, and held a lingering smell of her favorite candy, mint Mentos, and her body was curvy and enticing...and perfect, as she pressed against me.
She kissed me softly and then a sad sigh escaped her. "Why don't you talk to anyone, Luc? Why are you letting them all...?" Her eyes narrowed in fury, which was such an adorable look on her, that I grinned. "I'm gonna kill Josh for that rock!" I laughed and she scowled at me.
I cocked my head at her. "That's an amusing thought. My dead girlfriend is going to defend me." I kissed her nose and she smiled crookedly when I pulled away. "Even deceased, you're adorable."
She shook her head and kissed my cheek. Then she rested her head in the crook of my neck and sighed contently as I closed my eyes and held her tight, suddenly scared that any minute I'd wake up and she'd be gone.
"You should talk to someone, Lucas. You shouldn't go through this alone."
"I can talk to you," I whispered.
She pulled back to look at me, seriousness marking her features. "You know why that's ridiculous, right?" I looked away and shrugged and her hand came up to my cheek, bringing my gaze back to her. "Tell someone you remember. Tell them what happened...with the water, the road. They'd stop this nonsense about you being drunk, Luc. They'd understand."
I was already shaking my head though and tears were already starting to form. "I can't, Lil. I can't talk about what happened, about what I did. I can't talk about killing you." A tear slid down my cheek and her fingers brushed it off. Her eyes watered, watching mine fall. "It doesn't matter how or why it happened. I still killed you, all of you."
"No, it was an accident, Luc. Talk to someone." She looked down for a moment and her voice was oddly subdued when she spoke again. "Maybe...maybe that new girl."
I blinked and confusion rang through me before I understood her strange expression. My hand reached up and grabbed her chin, making her sad eyes look at me. "Nothing is going on with me and her, Lil. I'm not interested in her...only you."
She smiled such a sad smile, that her eyes suddenly looked happy in comparison. "Don't you realize how awful that is?"
I scrunched my brow as confusion filled me again. "Awful? That I want to be with you?"
She sighed softly and kissed me. The sweetness of her lips stole my breath and for a moment this was the most real experience I'd had in months. She pulled back from our intimate touch, her lips leaving mine slowly, hesitantly. I hungered for more.
"Yes, Lucas...I'm dead," she whispered.
I wanted to argue. I wanted to scream at her that she was more real than anything I'd felt in so long, that I was beginning to believe being awake was the dream. I wanted to tell her that with her in my arms, I could finally breathe again. I wanted to keep her in my arms and breathe steadily that way, forever. I wanted to finally tell her that I loved her.
But at that moment...I woke up.
My head lifted off the couch with a start and looking around, I noticed the TV was still on, playing some early morning news show with hosts that were entirely too happy for the inhuman hour, and a hazy pre-dawn light filtered in through the eastward facing windows. I also had a crick in my neck the size of Texas. Great. I'd slept on the couch...again.
I closed my eyes as the memories of my dream flooded me. In some ways, it was better than the nightmare I often had of the crash. In some ways, it was worse. Her memory was fresh again. I could feel her arms, her lips...her body. I could hear her laughter. God, I could even smell her again. Tears welled up under my closed lids, waiting to fall the moment I opened them. I drew in a stuttered breath that exhaled into a racking sob. My hands came up to cover my face as the insistent tears didn't wait for my permission to fall. I sobbed as quietly as I could, so as to not wake, and worry, my mom.