She watched me struggling with multiple emotions and then nodded. "Yes, Luc. I'll see you Monday after Thanksgiving break."
I nodded absentmindedly as I backed out of the room. I'd nearly forgotten that I'd get a small reprieve from both her and the school for a long weekend. Of course, that meant no Sawyer as well. I clutched my stomach and hustled out of her office and out of the school, so I could feel the cool, crisp air across my clammy skin. I sat on a step outside the main doors and dropped my head into my hands, finally losing it.
Sawyer found me like that, what felt like an eternity later. I didn't notice at first. I didn't really notice the flurry of bodies walking past me and feet shuffling under my vision as I kept my head resting on my arms, hugging my knees. I really didn't notice anything until I felt Sawyer's arms slink around my shoulders. She pulled me into her and I sniffled, begging the torrent of tears to not start up again.
Sawyer kissed my head and rubbed my back, not asking what was wrong. She didn't need to. She knew I'd just come from the counselor. If I was this upset, she'd know why. What else brought me to a blubbering mess than my friends? Not much.
She kissed my head again and then laid hers down on my back as she continued rubbing circles on my jacket. She sighed softly and I finally felt the peace of her touch crawl into me. She whispered that everything would be okay and we sat in silence for long moments.
Eventually I shifted my stance and she lifted her head off my body. I sheepishly moved to look at her, wondering how horrid my eyes were. She bit her lip as she looked over my expression and then she lightly shook her head and put a hand on my cheek. I sniffled again and closed my eyes, leaning into her touch, stealing her warmth and kindness.
"Ready to go home?" she whispered and I tiredly nodded. I wanted to leave. I wanted to crawl into bed and never get out.
She helped me to my feet and slung her hand over my arm. She looked behind her and nodded to someone and I glanced back, seeing Ms. Reynolds watching the two of us with a concerned expression. I turned away before she could respond to me. I hated a teacher seeing me this way. I hated anyone seeing me this way, really.
Sawyer drove me home in that comfortable silence and surprisingly shut the car off when she pulled in my drive. I looked over at her and blinked sleepily. "What are you doing?" My voice was still scratchy from crying so hard on the steps.
She put a hand on my arm. "I'm being a friend."
She opened her door while I half-heartedly opened mine. She grabbed my arm again while I reached into my bag and grabbed my keys. I wasn't sure what she was planning on doing, and I didn't want to get her in trouble, but I was eternally grateful that she wasn't leaving me yet.
I somehow managed to open the door and she pulled me back to my bedroom. I was so glum I couldn't even wonder why. She took my bag off my shoulder and then took off my jacket. She gently prodded me to sit on the bed and then she undid my shoes and took them off.
Confused, I watched her lift my legs onto the bed and then softly push me down until I lay back on the pillow. I started to stay something, but she laid down on the edge of the bed, facing me, bringing her legs up to mine and wrapping her arms around me. She pulled me down to her shoulder and I felt the emotion re-bubble in me. I tried not to, but as my arms snaked around her waist, I felt the tears resurface. I dropped my head and let the tears fall onto her shirt. She shushed me and rocked me and whispered that it would be okay, while I embarrassingly cried in her arms.
She stayed with me like that, gently rocking me, until my tears eased and sleep finally, and gratefully, took me.
I awoke with arms still around me. I wasn't sure how long I'd slept, but I was sure Sawyer was going to get in a lot of trouble for still being with me. Even though I loved the comfort of her arms around me, guilt washed through me. As much as it meant that she'd stayed, I didn't want her getting into trouble because of me.
Pulling back, I lifted my head from her shoulder and groggily spoke, "Sawyer, you should go. I don't want..." My scratchy speech cut off when my hazy vision cleared and I saw whose arms were around me. A small smile lifted the edge of my lip as I took in golden hair and pale blue eyes. With a stuttered exhale, I cinched my arms around her, pulling her as tight to me as I possibly could. "Lillian."
She rubbed my back and then ran her fingers through my hair, pulling my head into the crook of her neck. "Lucas..."
She kissed my head and laid her cheek on me as I took long, deep breaths, savoring the remembered feel of her beneath my fingertips as I clutched her tight, the remembered sound of her as she hummed softly in my ear, and the remembered smell of her as my nose rested against her collar bone. I immediately knew that I was still sleeping, possibly with Sawyer's arms still around me, but I didn't care. I had my girl and I gripped her with everything inside of me. I could feel the tears building up as I remembered my emotional day and I swallowed them back, not wanting to cry into yet another feminine shoulder.
She kissed my head again and then moved back to kiss my cheek. "Lucas..." She pulled back farther to plant a kiss along my jaw and I moved my head so our lips could touch. The emotion broke over me at feeling her soft lips move under mine. A small sob escaped me without my permission and her hands flew to my cheeks. "Oh, Lucas..." she muttered in the space between our kisses, "I'm so sorry."
Another sob hit me as my hands moved up to wrap into her long, blonde locks and she deepened the kiss, angling her head to take more of me inside. As her fingers brushed aside some stray tears and her tongue ran along mine, I let go of the emotion threatening to overtake me. I had my girl. My girl loved me. My girl was here with me. My girl was real, as real as anything else.
I relaxed into the sensation of moving lips and tender fingers and eventually my breath became uneven for a different reason. I groaned and bent my body over her, pushing her gently back to the pillows. Her fingers ran up to clutch my hair and she made a soft noise as she pulled me into her. One of my hands released from her hair to trail over her shoulder and slide over her breast. I cupped the molded shape of her bra gently, before slipping my hand up under her shirt. She sighed as my fingers slid up that creamy skin and I gasped when the tips of my fingers ran over a rigid nipple; her bra had vanished.
Her fingers tightened in my hair and her lips more fiercely attacked mine, as I stroked my thumb over the sensitive peak. With a deep groan, I lifted her shirt and shifted my lips to that delicate skin. She moaned and arched against me, her fingers almost harshly urging my head closer. My lips covered her, my tongue swirled around her and I gently let my teeth scrape against her. She muttered my name and ran her leg up and down my calf. With a groan of my own, I placed a kiss between her br**sts and then lifted her shirt to bring my attention to the other one.
That was when my world shifted.
Suddenly Lillian wasn't writhing beneath me. Suddenly she was standing near the window, chewing on her lower lip. I fell forward on the pillows when her body disappeared and it took me a second to adjust to the new situation. Real feeling or not, that was a strange experience. I looked over to her staring at me with a worried expression, her pale hair catching the faint light of what looked like early morning rays.
"Lil?" I asked, confused.
She gave me a sympathetic face and took a half step toward me before pausing. "I'm sorry, Luc." She shook her head. "This isn't why I came here."
My brows knotted together as I tried to understand the sudden change in the room. I'd been emotional when she first arrived, but she'd calmed me and then aroused me. I had no idea why she was now pushing me away. "Lil, what's wrong?" I patted the bed beside me as I rolled to face her. "Come back to me."
She looked like she wanted to take a step, but was forcing herself not to. She shook her head and worried her lip so hard I was afraid she'd bite herself. "I can't, Luc. I came here to comfort you. I know how hard today was, but we can't... We shouldn't..." She sighed and closed her eyes for a second, and for a moment she looked just as tired as me. She tilted her head when she reopened them. "Luc, we shouldn't be together...like that."
I sat up on the edge of the bed, my breath hitching. "Why not, Lil? It's me and you...what could be more right than that?"
She shook her head sadly. "It's not helping you, Lucas. Look at how hard today was for you...you couldn't even talk about us." She shrugged her shoulders as she indicated me and herself. "This isn't helping you move forward."
I cocked my head at her. "Is this because of the field? Because we almost..." She looked down and I stood up, walking over to where she stood at the window. I gently placed my hand under her chin, lifting her head so she'd look at me. "You wanted to, Lil. We both wanted..."
She nodded. "I know...we were ready." She brought a hand to my cheek, rubbing her thumb back and forth. "But making love to me...won't bring you happiness in real life, Luc." She dropped her hand, her eyes misting over. "And that's what I need to think about - your happiness, while you're alive." Her voice choked up and she swallowed roughly.
I put my hands on her waist, inching towards her. "Are you...breaking up with me, Lil?" I rested my head against hers, knowing my question was stupid - you couldn't get broken up with by a dead person - but my heart raced anyway.
She exhaled brokenly and brought her hands to my cheeks. "Oh, Lucas...no." She rocked her head against mine. "I'm not capable of that, not even in death," she whispered.
I lowered my lips to find hers and she returned my kiss tentatively. "Lillian...I...I..."
I love you. I adore you. Don't ever go away. I need you...stay with me, because I'll never love anyone but you. I wanted to say it, I wanted to finally pour my heart out to this warm, wonderful person in my arms...but I couldn't. For some reason, I just couldn't, and my throat completely locked up on me.
"I know, Luc," she whispered, as she kissed me a final time. She pulled back to look over my face. "I am glad that you're finally starting to talk to someone about some things, Lucas." She half-grinned. "Someone alive, that is."
I half smiled at that and shrugged. "I really haven't said anything..."
She put her hands on my arms, rubbing them up and down. "Not yet, but you're trying. It's a start. You should tell her about the wreck, Luc. She's right, you shouldn't hold that in." I frowned and started shaking my head. I didn't want to talk about that. She sighed at my reaction and tilted her head again. "Maybe it's time you opened up...to Sawyer."
Sawyer's name passing her lips gave me an odd, guilty feeling. I looked down and bit my lip, knowing dream Lil was well aware of everything that had transpired between the two of us. I felt her hand on my chin and reluctantly looked up at her. "I know, Luc. You're...close with her." She smiled sadly and ran her thumb along my jaw. "That's the way of things, Luc. That's normal, that's what moving on should be. It's healthy and I...I want that for you."
Her eyes misted over and when a tear spilled down her cheek, I grabbed them and brought her face to mine, kissing her repeatedly. "No, no, Lil. I don't care for her like I care for you. We're just friends. I'm not with her and I won't ever be. I'd never do that to you." I pulled back as more tears spilled from her eyes. I had no idea if she was sad because of Sawyer's and my relationship...or because of what I'd just said. It spilled out as my own confliction ran through me, "Lillian, it's you I'm in lov-"