Today though, I stared at the lifeless thing while Sawyer adjusted some stuff inside it, just hoping for a spark of Lil to fill me. I hadn't dreamt of her since our last...encounter. Since that had kind of been an intense dream, and it had been cut off so abruptly...and I was just having a crappy kind of day, I really wanted to see Lil again. I wanted to see if she was okay, if we were okay. God, now I really do sound insane. I want to dream about my dead girlfriend again, so I can make sure she wasn't freaked out by the almost sex we had...in a dream. All of it was in my head. Still, she felt as real as anything else.
"Lucas?"
Sawyer's voice broke me from my bizarre thoughts. "What? Oh, Mr. Varner, right." I pushed myself away from the lockers and watched some of the kids walk down the hall, most staring at me, some whispering, some just plain laughing, and even one or two scowling. I turned back to watch Sawyer close her locker. "Yeah, he's just an a**hole."
She frowned and then grinned. "Odd that he teaches Philosophy, right?"
I laughed and slung an arm around her shoulders, pulling her tight to me. "What's odd is how alike you and I are sometimes." She frowned at me when she looked up at my face, but then she laughed with me.
I dropped my arm from around her shoulders, still reluctant to be over friendly with her around so many gossiping eyes, even though that was pretty pointless by now, and they'd all make up whatever stories they wanted to anyway. I mean, just this morning, hadn't Eliza called her my girlfriend? I frowned as I realized that I never corrected her on that. Quickly slipping my grin back on, I started walking down the hall with Sawyer. And standing close to each other, but never touching, we made our way to our next class.
Math.
It's a tricky subject to try and learn on your own, even if you're pretty good at it. And I...struggle with it. Mentally planning to ditch this class next semester, I spent the whole of the hour with my head darting from the board to my textbook to my paper, in an odd, haphazard triangle pattern. I practically chewed through my pencil as I tried to grasp what the bloody hell she was talking about.
When it came to free study time at the end of class, Mrs. Chambers came over to her "favorite" student and attempted to help me catch up. I was immensely grateful that she cared more about her beloved subject, than the rumor mill running through these walls. I think I could have been lying in a pile of my own alcohol-induced vomit, and she'd still try and help me if I showed just the tiniest bit of interest in mathematics. She had definitely chosen the right major.
While I knew passing the class with a B would be a lofty goal, I felt much better about the situation once the period was over. I felt even better about it as I shared my sandwich in the car with Sawyer. She got a serious case of the giggles as she described my face to me when I'd been trying to grasp algorithms. I tried to sneer at her, but ended up bursting out with laughter too. Feeling a need for the cathartic release, I brought up Mr. Varner chewing me out, Coach trapping me in the hall and Will's sexual display during class.
With tears streaming down her face, she lost nearly all control when I re-performed Will's shining moment for her. "Oh, yes, yes...fuck, teach me."
I started laughing uncontrollably and we both settled in for a long, happy release. Eventually, we calmed down and rested back in her bucket seats, looking over at each other. We'd drifted close in our gaiety, and our shoulders touched between the gap created by her center console, our heads resting on the very edge of the headrests, towards each other.
Trying to even our breaths, but still smiling softly, we stared at each other. The familiar comfort washed into me as I lost myself in her gray depths. A similar look passed over her and I wanted to stay in this car for eternity.
She leaned forward and a dark lock of hair fell over her eye. Without thinking about it, I reached up and tucked it behind her ear. Then I found myself running my fingers back through her hair before bringing my palm up to cup her cool cheek. Then my thumb started stroking that cheek. Even though the car was slightly chilly, I felt warmth spread in me as we touched. I watched her breath catch and her eyes flick over my face. My eyes flicked over hers, settling on her lips. Subconsciously, I found myself leaning forward.
"Luc...we're gonna be late," she whispered, just moments before we brushed together.
Startled back to reality, I dropped my hand from her skin and pulled back. "Right." I looked down and then peeked up at her from under my brow. She was chewing her lip. "Sorry," I muttered.
She gave me a vague smile and turning, opened her car door. I shut my eyes at my stupid lack of self control, and with a heavy exhale, opened mine. She didn't say anything as she waited for me at the front of her car, just played with the sleeves of my jacket and bit her lip. I felt the need to say something, but didn't know what to say, so I gave her a half smile and nodded my head towards school.
She fell in beside me and was quiet on the way to our next respective classes. Her head was down and her dark hair covered her expression. I wanted to stop her and sweep that hair back from her face so I could see what she was thinking. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry, yet again, for getting near the borderline of our friendship. And an odd, tiny speck of me...wanted to kiss her, wanted to find comfort in those lips, just like I found comfort in her voice and her laugh...and her eyes. I wouldn't do that though. That would be selfish. Not if she was interested in more. Not when my heart still belonged to Lil...
Lost in those thoughts, I startled when Sawyer's hand caught my elbow and stopped me. I looked up and noticed that we were at our crossroads, left for me to get to Astronomy and right for her to get to computer lab. I hadn't even noticed the journey.
I looked over at her and took in the serious expression on her face. I swallowed, thinking she was finally going to tell me she couldn't handle being my friend anymore, not when I constantly pulled her close and pushed her away. My stomach hurt as I waited for her rejection.
She narrowed her eyes and scrunched her brow to a sharp point. "Don't you dare...start something with Josh. Just let it go, Lucas." Her eyes bored into me, demanding and yet pleading at the same time.
I relaxed when I realized she wasn't going to toss me aside, and then a slow fire started burning in me. I'd nearly forgotten that I'd have this class with Josh. I'd nearly forgotten that I'd have to endure sitting in a room with him for an hour, not able to do anything about the mix of rage and sadness swirling within me. Sawyer's eyes narrowed even more as she took in my expression.
"I'm serious, Lucas." She shook her head. "He's not worth you getting kicked out of here. Don't give him what he wants."
I blinked and took a step back. The anger started to fade from me as I realized that she was right. If I let my emotions take control and got myself kicked out of here, he'd have exactly what he'd hoped for with his stupid little stunt. He'd win. While I was sure it wasn't really a game to either of us, I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction of running me off. No, if I had to deal with him for the rest of the year, then he'd just have to deal with me too.
"I won't touch him, Sawyer...I promise." Her stance relaxed, along with her face. She searched me for a sign of some lie to my words and I gave her a wry smile. "I promise, okay."
She bit her lip again and nodded. A small laugh escaped me. "Besides, I think I'll let you fight all my battles for me." She grinned and I shrugged. "You hit better than me anyway."
She laughed and gave me a quick hug before darting off to her class. I smiled, watching her leave and then frowned as I turned to the path that led me to my next encounter with Darren's little brother. As I walked along that concrete road, I remembered back to walking this exact path last year with Darren. That had unknowingly been such a simpler time. Back then, our biggest dilemma had been the approaching teenage milestone known as junior prom.
"$300 bucks, Luc. That's how much this stupid dance is gonna cost me...$300 bucks." Darren shook his head at me in my memory and frowned at his money woes.
I grinned over at him. "Yeah, but Sammy will be endlessly grateful to you for showing up in the limo she wants."
He gave me a devilish grin as we walked, pausing a fraction of a second to wave at a group of friends that we strolled by. "Dude, Sammy is 'grateful' to me five times a week...and it doesn't cost me $300 bucks."
I stopped walking and he looked back at me. "Five times a week?"
He grinned and nodded. "At least. Sometimes more if her parents leave for the weekend." He shrugged. "What can I say - my girl's a horny freak."
I grinned at the words I knew Sammy would soundly smack him for, if she ever heard them repeated. I started walking beside him again, shaking my head. He looked over at me thoughtfully. "You and Lil still haven't..."
I looked over at him and shook my head. "No, we're...waiting. The moment has just never been right..." I shrugged and looked forward, letting the sentence die. Lil and I had talked about it several times, but somehow, neither one of us felt like it was just the right time. We were waiting for the "perfect" time.
Darren laughed beside me. "Well, don't wait too long or something's gonna come up and snatch that hottie away from you. Besides, it's only sex, Lucas. I think you guys are making it out to be a much bigger deal than it really is."
I scowled as we walked under the overhang of the Science building, Darren nodding a greeting to another group of friends passing by us. I switched my frown to a sly smile as I glanced over at him. "Says the man who waited two years to be with his...freak."
Darren's face clouded up as he glared over at me. I knew he and Sammy had a different situation than Lil and me. I mean, they were only fourteen when they got together, but it was fun to tease him about it, especially if he was going to tease me.
Darren was about to respond to my jibe when a set of arms slung over his shoulder and mine. "Who's a freak?"
I looked over behind me at Josh hanging off of us, his face glowing with adoration for his big brother. "Your future sister-in-law," I playfully told him.
Darren smacked me in the chest as Josh suddenly gripped both of his shoulders, shaking him gently. "Really? Like kinky-freaky? Lucky bastard, Shelly will only let me feel her up."
Darren grinned at Josh, rumpling his hair, and slinging an arm over his shoulder. He pointed at me. "Well, you're further than, Lucas," he jibed. They'd both laughed heartily at me then, while I'd smacked Darren on the chest and told him where he could shove it.
As I passed under the overhang on the considerably darker, present tense Science building, I clearly remembered Darren and Josh's laughing faces. The way their eyes had sparkled with life and joy, the way they'd had an arm around each other, supporting each other. Best friends in a way Darren and I never would be. It tore me that the jovial face I'd seen on Josh then, was all but lost now. Sadness for that faded childhood leeched away my remaining spikes of anger and I felt only melancholy as I opened the door to class.
Chapter 10
The Game of Life
Josh's eyes were the first thing I noticed as I walked through the door. They were locked right onto me, like he'd been waiting for me to walk through them. I kept my face blank as I watched his twist into a mean sneer. He was sitting on his desk talking to Randy, who also turned to look at me. Randy gave me a brief look and then turned away to stare at the front of the class. I ignored him, and with memories of a happier time playing in my head, I thought again that maybe I'd try to speak to Josh civilly.