Shit. Was I that lost in my own drama? “It’s a surprise,” I lied and quickly managed to figure out where we were.
I’d been driving for around ten miles, meaning I was close to Canon Beach. The sign to the old bed and breakfast Demetri and I used to frequent popped up just in time. I took a right and prayed it would be open. Mr. and Mrs. Smith were always really great about making sure that paparazzi weren’t lurking around.
“Oh good!” Nat clapped her hands as I pulled into the bed and breakfast. “I’ve missed this place.”
I felt like an ass for lying, but at least she was excited about eating and hanging out. On second thought… “Um, I’ll be right back. Stay here.”
She shrugged and took a seat on the outside patio. I ran in and hoped to God they would be able to cater to us.
Chapter Five
Demetri
“You’ve been staring at the same spot in the ocean for the past hour.” Alyssa threaded her fingers through mine and smiled. “What’s up?”
“Alec.”
“What about him?”
I shrugged. “He’s smiling.”
Alyssa burst out laughing. “Alert the media! Call the president! When did you first start noticing this strange behavior?” She rolled her eyes. “Geez, you smile every second of every day. It’s not a big deal. Maybe he’s happy.”
“But I’ve always smiled,” I argued.
“You’re strange.”
“I know.” I sighed and released her hand, nervously digging through my hair like I was going to somehow sprout an answer from the chemical reaction of the sun hitting my scalp. “He’s acting like he did… before.”
“Before?” She scooted closer to me on the sand and sighed. “What? What’s his story?”
Alec would kill me if he ever found out I was telling a soul about this.
“After the drugs… for a short while… he was suicidal. He tried to overdose on his antidepressants. The doctors figured it was because he was coming down off the high from being a her**n addict, but…” I shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, I know what that hell feels like. Shit, I lived through it too. He’s just different. He’s weird in how he deals with things. I dealt with it through going off the deep end. He just… stopped doing shit. Cold Turkey. He went on antidepressants, had one close call, and then it was like everything was suddenly fine.”
Alyssa’s dark brown hair blew in the wind as she tilted her head. “So, why is that a bad thing?”
“He never dealt. He never finished therapy. After we moved here, he was supposed to go to therapy for like a year, but he went back to do promo stuff after I crapped out and nearly killed myself. He never got his time. You know?”
Alyssa chewed on her bottom lip. “So what? Are you afraid he’s going to relapse or something? Start doing drugs again?”
I took a moment to think about it. I mean, I couldn’t see Alec taking it that far. He had Nat, and he had me of course, but the show alone was a lot of pressure. On top of that, the conversation I overheard couldn’t be helping matters.
I leaned in and kissed Alyssa’s nose. “You know I love you, right?”
She rolled her eyes. “Yes, I know. Now don’t change the subject. What are you so afraid of?”
The familiar heaviness of fear thumped against my chest. It felt like I couldn’t breathe. I could see Alec’s life going in two directions. One of them I couldn’t even bear to think about. I closed my eyes and told myself to stop freaking out. Alyssa was in my lap in an instant, wrapping her arms around my neck. “It’s okay. I’m the queen of panic attacks. Talk to me, Dem.”
If I said it out loud did that make it more real? “I’m afraid I’m going to lose him.” When Alec was under stress it was like he disappeared into himself. He had a tendency to push people away… One minute he’d be smiling that ridiculously fake smile, the next he was on the floor with an empty pill bottle.
Alyssa was silent while I ducked my head into her mop of hair and inhaled the familiar scent of coconut. “I’m afraid if he doesn’t deal with everything it’ll destroy him. I’m afraid of what he might do if he’s put in a position where he can’t control anything anymore.” I swallowed the panic rising in my chest. “Lyss, I’m afraid he’s going to do something stupid.”
“Like what?”
Kill himself? Break Nat’s heart? Cheat?
I let the question go unanswered, but I knew Alyssa and she knew me. I swore she read minds. She held me and I held her. It was all I had. The comfort of someone I loved, while I was freaking out over a family member who I knew was only one shit storm away from becoming a hell of a lot more unstable than I ever was.
I was just waiting for the dam to break.
And hoped to God it would be in his favor.
Chapter Six
Alec
Crap. What the hell were we going to do at a bed and breakfast? We could eat, but we couldn’t really sleep, not if we had that stupid restaurant opening in a few hours.
My control was seriously slipping. I flexed my hand and began reciting the states in alphabetical order. Other than burying myself deep in the girl I loved — it was the only way I could relax. Running had stopped working, and I knew it was absolute insanity to run fifteen miles a day. Singing helped, but we were supposed to be acting, not singing. Alabama, Alaska, Arizona…
I took the stairs two at a time. Arkansas, California… Thankfully, the elderly couple was already waiting for me in the main dining room.
“Alec!” Mr. Smith came forward with arms open. I hugged him and then kissed Mrs. Smith on the cheek. There were only a few guests and most of them were over the age of sixty. They probably thought I was the Smiths’ grandson.
The familiar smell of the restaurant calmed me down. “I need a favor.”
“Anything.” Mrs. Smith pinched my bicep and winked. “Now, what can we do for you?”
What could they do? Oh you know, erase a few nights from my memory and convince Bob, my bodyguard, to assassinate the one person who could ruin my entire freaking existence with one push of a button. “Um, how about a room? Something nice? I want to spend some time with Nat away from everything.”
“Done.” Mr. Smith walked over to the main desk and pulled out a key. “Enjoy yourselves.”
I reached for my wallet to pull out my credit card, but he held up his gnarled old hands. “Oh no you don’t. You’ve done so much for our business already, son. This one’s on the house, alrighty?”
“Please. Let me pay.” I offered one last time. Charity made me feel nervous, like I couldn’t control the situation. Wow, I had issues.
“Nope. That’s final.” Mr. Smith held out his hand for me to shake it. I wanted to shake it. Instead, I just stared at it and told myself to stop freaking out. It was a free room for a few hours, not a house. Smiling, I reached for his hand and shook it.
“Thank you.”
“Have fun! And let us know what you want for your meal.” Mrs. Smith waved goodbye as I turned and jogged back out of the building.
Nat was in the middle of the patio, her blonde hair blowing in the wind. I could watch her forever. She tucked her hair behind her ears and crossed her arms. She had no idea how precious she was to me — or how deep she had etched herself into my soul. I couldn’t help but wonder… would she curse me later for that very thing?
I tried to push the dark thoughts away, but it was hard. My brain felt fatigued, probably all that alphabetizing. I managed a smile as I walked up to her and whispered, “Surprise,” dropping the key into her hand.
“You bought me a car! You shouldn’t have!”
I paused. “Wow, never actually thought about it. Do you want a car? I guess I could buy you a car. Would that make you happy?” I smirked at her eye roll. “Would you jump up and down and possibly make out in the backseat with me?”
“Maybe.” She blushed.
“Would you scream my name over and over and over again?” I kissed her hard on the mouth. “Would you be mine forever and always?” Damn, I was losing my mind. The need to be with her was trumping everything. I knew it was wrong. I was using her. Using the way she made me feel in order to push away my demons. But nothing else was working. Not the pills, not my ridiculous staff of people that I pay millions to keep. Nothing. Only her kisses, her touch. If I was going to hell, I wanted to take every shred of this feeling with me.
Nat exhaled and pulled back. “Yes. I would.”
“And all because of a car?” I squinted, trying to calm my heated body down. “Hmm, too bad this key doesn’t lead to a car. But…” I grabbed her hand. “I think you’ll still feel the same way when this afternoon is over with.”
“Oh? That confident, huh?”
I stopped and pulled her into my arms for another earth-shattering kiss. “Extremely.”
I released her and led her inside the building. I found our room, unlocked the door, and allowed her to go in first. Nat stopped in the middle of the floor. She silently took in the room. A roaring fire was in the corner fireplace, and we had a perfect view of the ocean.
“Beautiful.” She sighed.
It wasn’t that I couldn’t hear her, it was that I was lost in thought. This is what she should have had the moment I took her virginity, something beautiful, something special. Instead I’d taken her again and again, and now? Now all I could think about was the salty taste of her skin against my tongue. When had I turned into the type of person who used others that way? People that I loved?
“Alec?”
I sighed and walked toward Nat. She was facing the sliding glass door, staring at the ocean.
I assumed her silence meant she was stunned and excited.
Instead I watched in horror as her shoulders slumped and she caved to the floor on her knees. Her sobs filled the room.
“Nat?” I scooped her into my arms and sat down on the bed rocking her body back and forth. “What’s wrong, sweetheart? Are you sick? Are you okay?” I kissed her forehead. I would do anything to protect her. I hated it when she cried. In fact, the last time I even remember her crying was when my brother was in the hospital for nearly getting himself killed in a car accident.
“No.” She wiped my nose with my sleeve and gave me a watery smile. “I’m so scared of losing you, and you aren’t being yourself, and…” She started hyperventilating. I cursed and helped her to the floor, so I could sit behind her and brace her body. I wrapped my arms tightly around her middle.
“Baby, it’s okay,” I whispered in her ear. “Just close your eyes. Can you do that for me?”
She nodded and hiccupped. I could feel her body convulsing with emotion. What the hell was wrong? Nat was a part of me. It was ripping my soul in half to see her so sad. Shit. Did she know? Did Demetri know? Now I was beginning to hyperventilate.
“You and me, just you and me. Okay, Nat? I love you so damn much. My heart beats for you and before you crack a joke about me being cheesy — know that it’s true. I’ve wanted you since that first day when you stumbled down the hall.” I tucked her hair behind her ear and shuddered as her breathing became slower.