“Why are you telling me this now?” I asked, voice shaking with emotion. I wasn’t sure what I was. Angry? Confused? Hurt?
“Regrets. We’ve been talking about regrets in group. Want to know what mine was?”
Not really. No. Because it may just take away the smile on my face.
“I regretted not telling you how I felt about you, and then I regretted not being the guy to pull you out of it. I abandoned you, and I’m ashamed I did. I mean, I was still here working and keeping an eye on you, but it was never for Brady. I mean, I lied to you when I said that. He never asked me to. He wouldn’t have asked me to even given the opportunity. Every day I saw you I felt worse and worse for keeping things from you, things about him, but then I was afraid if I told you, you’d finally be pushed too far, and no one would be able to pull you out of the depression.”
“Sam!” I fisted my hands at my sides. “What do you mean the things you didn’t tell me?”
“Not now.” Sam pulled an envelope out of his pocket and put it on my dresser. “I don’t even know what’s right anymore, Alyssa. But I had to get it off my chest. Please forgive me for lying to you. Forgive me for being selfish, and forgive me for not being the friend you needed.”
“You’re already forgiven.” The words fell from my mouth without effort and I meant them. I had no idea Sam felt that way about me or what type of relationship he’d had with Brady. I’d always assumed they were like best friends. I guess this was all the information I was getting from Sam tonight. He stormed out of my room and said thank you, but not before I saw some stray tears slip down his face.
With shaking hands I lifted the packet from my dresser. It wasn’t addressed to me, but there was a sticky note on it that said I’m sorry.
“Surprise.” Demetri put his hands over my eyes. His voice was unmistakable. Sometimes I swear it seemed like he was singing instead of talking, his voice was so smooth. The package fell from my hands, momentarily forgotten.
I turned around in his arms and kissed him. “Happy Birthday.”
“Where’s my present?” His naughty hands moved up and down my body and then he cursed. “Damn, you even wrapped yourself up. How am I ever going to get you out of these clothes when you look so perfect?”
I tried to wriggle out of his arms, but he held me firm while he continued to stare at every part of my body from my shoes all the way to my dress, and finally his gaze fell on my hair and then my lips. “God above, you are absolutely breathtaking.”
Shrugging, I replied. “I wanted to look pretty for your birthday.”
Demetri rolled his eyes. “You look pretty even when you snore.”
Laughter echoed from downstairs. I punched him. “I do not snore.”
“I’d like to find out.” I should have said I already did, but I wanted to see if she let me stay over again.
“Someone took their confidence pills today.”
He shrugged. “‘Course I did. They were sitting right next to my damn sexy pills, and we know I never forget those.”
Demetri laughed and pulled me into a hug. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too.” If I didn’t stop smiling, my face was going to be permanently frozen in this position.
“What’s that?” Demetri’s brows furrowed as he looked down at the ground. My eyes followed.
“Crap.” I picked up the envelope and threw it onto my dresser. “That is drama. Something I have no desire to even look at on this special day.”
“You sure?” He looked behind me and reached for the packet, seeming more interested then he should be.
I blocked his reach. “I’m sure. Now let’s go start group so we can go to your party!”
He grinned and picked me up, twirling me around the room.
“Fine, you’ve convinced me. I like you, Lyss.”
“Like you too.” I bit my lip as he dropped me and grabbed his hand, and we made our way down the stairs.
“Let’s party!” Aaron announced from the living room. I’d put some snacks together and told my parents that they needed to stay in the den so that we could all have privacy.
Demetri shook his head and took a seat next to Aaron. The rest of us gathered around. “Okay, so this meeting will be short, because you know, it is a very special day.”
“You got a promotion?” Connor teased.
“Wait, I’ve got it.” Aaron snapped his fingers. “You don’t have to sing the jingle anymore?”
“Hilarious.” Demetri smirked. “Birthday boy, right here.”
He pointed at himself and then leaned back in the chair and sighed.
“Regrets. We talked about them at our last meeting. You know, before I snuck all of you out of my house. Tonight…” He cleared his throat. “I want to talk about fear.”
Again the room was silent. Even I was shifting in my seat.
How did he know so much about grief? It felt like you always went through those phases, denial, anger, fear, regret… I watched as Demetri’s eyes hooded for a brief second when he glanced at me.
He soon jerked back to attention and addressed the group.
“I’m afraid of ostriches. Just ask Alyssa. Oh yeah, and emus.
But to be honest, I’d take an emu any day over feeling the gripping out of control feeling fear leaves you with. After you struggle with something hard… like addiction or losing someone you love, suddenly you realize nothing is certain in life. Nothing is real.
Clearly, I took the pansy way out and started pushing away life and numbing myself to it. Today I want us to talk about healthy ways to deal with our fear.”
“Taffy.” I joked without thinking.
Demetri’s eyes warmed. “Yes, that’s a good one. I eat taffy to keep addictions at bay. Addictions were my way of coping with fear and loss. What else? Anyone?”
Holly raised her hand. “Avoidance.”
“That’s not healthy,” Sam interjected looking more upset than I’d seen him all night. Geez, what was with him tonight?
“I know,” Holly mumbled. Tears streamed down her cheeks.
“So why do you keep doing it?” Sam yelled. “Why do you avoid the truth? Why don’t you tell everyone? Do you think this makes it better? Do you think this makes me feel better?” He stood and pointed his finger at her. Connor grabbed him and jerked him away.
“Cool off, dude! What’s your problem?”
“Life!” Sam yelled. “That and the fact that I’m so tired of secrets.” His eyes closed as he took a shuddering breath. “Aren’t you, Holly? Aren’t you tired of secrets?”
Nobody said anything. Sam cursed. “Whatever. I’m out of here.”
“Sam, wait.” Holly ran after him, leaving just Demetri, Connor, Aaron, and me.
“Anyone care to explain?” Demetri said raising his hands in the air in defeat.
Aaron shook his head. “Not my business to tell, man. But she’s been acting really upset ever since our last meeting.” He gave a slight nod to Demetri who nodded back. What was going on?
We all waited for ten minutes, but nobody came back.
Demetri checked his watch just as Aaron received a text message.
“She’s going home.” Aaron cursed. “Alright, guess we aren’t partying. I’ll see you guys later.” He walked out just as Sam walked back in.
“Sorry,” Sam mumbled. And that was it. He didn’t offer any explanation.
“Alright.” Demetri stood abruptly. “I guess it’s just us. Party at my house.”
I reached for his hand but didn’t feel like partying as much anymore. Something was bothering Sam. Did it have to do with the packet he gave me? My fingers itched to go grab it and read it, but fear held me back. What if it was something horrible? What if it ruined my good mood? For once, I didn’t actually want to think about the past or about Brady. I squeezed Demetri’s hand. I wanted to be there for him on his birthday.
“You okay?” He kissed my cheek.
“Yup!” I offered my best smile. “Time to celebrate being old!”
Demetri laughed and tugged me towards the front door.
**** “Holy crap.” We’d just pulled up to Demetri’s house. I’d never seen it looking so… famous? Was that the right word? Lights lit up the entire house, torches lined the sidewalk, and there were chic pieces of furniture out front with blankets, and candles on each table. It was the perfect place to watch the waves. “Alec went kind of… crazy.” I gulped when I saw all the photographers outside.
“Unbelievable.” Demetri muttered a curse. “I thought Alec took care of the paparazzi.”
My eyes took in about twenty people, all with cameras, waiting outside the house. “Yeah, apparently not.”
“Can you do this?” Demetri turned off the car and reached for my hand. “It will be really quick, I promise. Smile, nod your head, and don’t say anything, okay? Even if they say I’m a bastard and carrying Selena Gomez’s love child, just keep smiling.”
I burst out laughing. “If someone said that I would die laughing, so no worries there. Selena Gomez, huh?”
“One of the many rumors. Believe me. I bet Justin Bieber was getting ready to kick my ass.”
“That…” I kissed his cheek. “I would pay to see.”
“You and millions of girls worldwide.” He winked.
“Let’s go, birthday boy, before your head gets too big for this car.”
The minute we got out of the car the cameras started flashing, nearly blinding me with their intensity. To say I was scared would be a huge understatement. I mean, these people were so interested in Demetri, they were camping outside of his house!
We walked hand and hand towards the front door. A reporter lunged for us. “Is it true, Demetri? Are you proposing tonight?”
I stifled a laugh. While Demetri answered. “Yes, right after I find out if the baby’s a boy or girl.”
The reporter gasped and then narrowed her eyes. “Very funny.”
Demetri patted her on the back. “I thought so. Now, Clara, we’re on a first name basis, I mean, I buy your photographer coffee every other Saturday.”
“Thanks, bro!” someone shouted.
“No problem.” Demetri focused back on Clara as the lights continued to flash. “Think you could try to keep the crowd from going crazy? I mean, it is my birthday.” His heart-stopping smile nearly had me gasping for air.
“Damn you, Demetri Daniels, and damn your smile.” Clara nudged him and took a large step back. The rest somehow followed suit making it easier for us to get inside the house.
“You’re here!” Nat screamed launching herself into Demetri’s arms. I was suddenly super grateful I knew she and Alec were in love. The girl was gorgeous and was at this moment hugging the guy I liked as if he was the best thing since Starbucks was invented.
“Sucks, huh?” Alec said. I didn’t even know he was next to me.
“What?”