Fin stood abruptly, her chair scraping noisily on the thick, gleaming floorboards. “I can’t … you …” Her hand, cold and shaky, moved to rest on her forehead. “Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure.” Doctor Jensen half-stood from her chair, her brows drawing together. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know.” Fin’s eyes collided wildly with her doctor’s. “Am I? You’re the doctor here!”
Doctor Jensen reached her side and gently gripped her elbow, guiding her back to the chair. Unsteady on her feet, Fin sank back down into the slightly uncomfortable cushioned seat. Her doctor shuffled backwards until she rested up against the edge of her desk. “Finlay, look at me.”
Fin looked up, meeting her doctor’s concerned brown eyes.
“Are you doing this on your own?”
“What?” she whipped out more sharply than she intended. “You think … I didn’t do this on my own!”
“Finlay.” Her doctor’s voice was calm, as though soothing a wild animal. “When you came in over a week ago, you gave the impression that you and Ryan were no longer together. That’s what I meant.”
“We aren’t,” she said, “so I guess that’s a yes. I am doing this on my own.” Fin’s eyes shifted to the window. The slats in the blinds were half-open letting the midday sunshine wash through. Birds chirped noisily in the tree just outside, oblivious to her turmoil. She turned back to face her doctor, unable to process the shock. “How far?”
“You’re three and a half months along. You haven’t noticed your expanding waistline?”
She looked down, focusing on the slight curve of her belly. “There’s a baby in there? I didn’t …” Fin didn’t know what she’d noticed except maybe some bloating. She couldn’t even recall what happened yesterday, let alone a week ago. Panic curdled her stomach as her eyes returned to her doctor’s. “Wait! Over three months? I can’t … you … But I’ve been on the pill since Ryan and I started seeing each other.”
Doctor Jensen shrugged. “These things happen. The pill isn’t entirely effective. Did you have unprotected sex at any time?”
“No! I would never do that!”
Wait! She did do just that. How could she forget Ryan’s eyes, wide and panicked as he told her he forgot to use a condom? That day had been a riot of emotion with protection the last thing on their minds.
She’d meant to sort it out, but instead she’d blocked the entire day from her memory, the reminder of Jake’s letter and her subsequent breakdown far too painful to think about.
“We should do an ultrasound.” Her doctor waved towards a small machine in the corner with an attached screen. “Do you want to meet your baby?”
Oh God. Ryan was going to be a daddy.
Fin shook her head. “No. I don’t. I can’t. Not without Ryan. I can’t do this without Ryan.”
Doctor Jensen tilted her head, her eyes calm and focused. “You can. You’re going to be surprised at just how much strength you can find when you become a parent. You have family and friends and my door is always open for you.” Her heels clicked solidly on the floor as she shifted towards the slim hospital bed in the corner. “Now come on over here and let’s have a look at what’s growing in there.”
Fin pressed a hand to her belly as she stood, feeling nothing at all. No kicks or flutters or lazy rolls. No evidence at all that part of Ryan existed inside her.
Half an hour later, Fin sat in her car, a photo of their baby clutched in her trembling fingers. She couldn’t take her eyes off it, not even registering the joy that was unfurling in her chest. In that moment, nothing else mattered except her need to see Ryan.
Sliding the key into the ignition, her little car came to life at the same time her phone rang. Reaching into her bag, Fin plucked it out, seeing her mum’s name on the display.
“Mum!” she answered rapidly. “I can’t talk right now, I have to see—”
Julie cut her off. “Honey, where are you?”
She frowned. “I’m just leaving an appointment. I’ll ring you later because I have to—”
“Leaving an appointment? I don’t understand, Finlay. You need to hurry up!”
Tucking the phone between her ear and shoulder, Fin slipped the photo carefully in her purse. “Hurry up? Mum, what are you talking about?”
Pressing the speaker button, Fin put the phone down and backed out of the little car park. A muffled sound came through the phone as she inched her car into traffic. Her mother’s voice began cutting in and out.
“Mum, can I ring you back a bit later?” she called loudly. “I can’t hear you!”
Fin checked her mirrors and blind spot carefully before changing lanes.
“Ryan … base ….” came through.
“What?” Her pulse sped up. How did her mother know where she was going? “Mum? I’m on way to see Ryan now, is that what you mean?”
More crackling.
“Dammit,” Fin muttered as she slowed down for a red light. “Mum, are you there? Where are you?”
“We’re at the base,” came through loud and clear.
“At the barracks? What are you doing there?”
She heard the slam of a car door. “Oh wait, Mike,” her mother said, “I just need to get those cards out of the car.”
“Mum!”
The car behind Fin tooted and she looked up, realising the light was green. She waved her hand in apology and accelerated, almost growling with frustration when her mother’s voice began to crackle again.
“Mum, I’m going to hang up now, okay? I’m on my way to see Ryan and then I have to get back to work. I’ll speak to you tonight.”
“Honey. We’re at Base Pearce.”
All the blood drained from Fin’s face until she felt faint. “What?” she whispered. “You’re at the airfield? Mum? Why …” She licked her lips. “Why are you there?”
Her mother’s indrawn breath came through clearly. “Finlay.”
“I thought they weren’t leaving for another two days.”
“The troops are flying out today. Now.”
“A-are you sure?”
“Yes, honey. We received word of the date and time of their deployment through the DFA support group. I’m sorry. I thought you would have already known.”
Fin’s knuckles went white on the steering wheel. Ryan was getting on the same plane that took her brother away, and he was going right now. She wasn’t ready. He couldn’t leave. Not yet. She needed to see him. He couldn’t leave without her seeing him.
Fin took a right turn and put her foot down on the accelerator, for the first time wishing her little environmentally friendly car knew how to move.
“Mum, how long do I have?”
“A little over an hour.”
Her heart sank. She wasn’t going to make it. “I don’t think I’ll get there in time.”
“Oh, honey.”
“Mum,” she choked out. If Ryan wanted her there, he would have rung her, wouldn’t he?
“You know Ryan well enough to know the answer to that question, Finny,” came a familiar voice in her ear.
“What did you say, Mum?” she asked, chills snaking down her spine as she entered Roe Highway, her little car weaving wildly into traffic.
“I didn’t say anything, Finlay.”
Fin rolled her shoulders, feeling a cold sweat break out on her brow. Reaching towards her dashboard, she turned the air conditioning down.
“I’m on my way, okay?”
“Alright, sweetheart. See you soon.”
Fin’s hands shook on the steering wheel as the speedometer climbed, her little car—unused to travelling at such high speed—shuddering wildly beneath her.
“Slow down, Finny.”
“Stop it, Jake!” she shouted. “You’re not really here. Don’t do this now!”
Ryan, don’t leave. I’m coming. Please don’t leave before I get there.
The RAAF base airport was crowded with soldiers and family, but Ryan stood alone, not wanting to intrude.
“I don’t want you to go.”
His fists clenched by his sides. The words had slipped out of their own accord. Ryan was supposed to be strong enough for the both of them, yet Fin was the one who stepped back, her spine straight as she told him it was too late.
“Ryan!” His head turned swiftly. “Ryan!”
Julie was waving as she and Mike made their way through the crowd towards him. His eyes were frantic as he searched behind them, his heart leaping as he looked for Fin, but he didn’t see her bright, tousled blonde waves anywhere in the sea of army green. Idiot, he thought, swallowing disappointment. She didn’t even know you were leaving today. Why would you expect her to miraculously appear and happily wave you off?
Julie reached his side and he leaned down as she wrapped him up in a hug. He buried his head briefly in the motherly embrace before he stepped away.
He turned to Mike’s outstretched hand and took it in his own. Mike tugged and soon he was wrapped in a solid hug by the only man that had ever been a real father to him. Mike slapped him on the back before pulling away.
“You didn’t let us know you were leaving, son.”
What was he supposed to say? I’ve left your daughter, but hey, I’m heading back to war, so come see me off? He would be lucky if Mike didn’t turn around and punch him in the damn nose.
“I wasn’t sure …” He rubbed a hand across his brow. “Fin and I …”
Tears filled Julie’s eyes and Ryan sighed heavily.
“We know,” she told him and his jaw locked tight. “Fin told us about the program, about how adamant you were for her to accept it. It just shows us how much you love her to put her future above everything else like this. We can’t tell you both what the right thing to do is, but Ryan, honey, we just want you happy. Don’t you think you finally deserve some happiness for yourself?”
“I am happy,” he told them and mustered a smile. “I love being in the Army. I don’t think I could ever do anything else but this.”
“That’s not the kind of happiness I was talking about,” Julie muttered.
“Leave him be,” Mike told Julie gruffly and looked at Ryan. “How about a coffee?”
Ryan nodded. “Sure.”
As the three of them sat down, Julie rummaged through her bag and handed over a bunch of cards. “These are for you.”
Ryan thanked her and sifted through them quickly. There was one from Mike’s parents and Julie’s mother, Jake and Fin’s cousins and family friends. He tucked them away carefully when they finished their coffee, and adrenaline spiked through his system when the announcement came for their flight to board.
As the three of them stood, Julie grabbed at his hand, panic flaring in her wide eyes. “You can’t leave yet.”