"Oops!"
"Sorry," Zach blurted. He gripped my shoulders gently as if to keep me upright. We hadn't spoken - hadn't touched - in weeks. Standing there, I felt like we were still in the tombs, the walls closing in around us.
"I didn't see you . . . Sorry," I blurted dumbly, then turned and ran away.
Zach found me with the pigeons.
Someone must have erased the boards, because Mr. Solomon's code was gone and I was alone, looking out across the countryside, staring across the grounds.
I didn't turn when I heard him. I just said, "He should be awake by now, shouldn't he?
He's never going to wake up."
"Of course he is."
"This is never going to be over."
"Of course it is."
"This is -"
"Cammie. listen to me. "Don't talk - listen." There was fear his eyes. "This isn't going to stop on its own. It's not going away. We can't stay here - we can't hide forever."
"She's your mother?" I asked the questions that had been burning inside of me for weeks.
"I'm sorry, Cam. I -"
"You could have told me."
"No." he shook his head. "I couldn't. I couldn't lose the one person who didn't see her when they looked at me. I couldn't lose that."
"Is my father alive, Zach?"
"I don't know."
"She said he is."
Zach studied me. "She lies."
"We should be dead," I said after what felt like forever.
"I know."
He stood beside me, inches away. And yet we didn't touch. A charge coursed between us like a wire, a spark. We had already seen our share of fire.
"Mr. Solomon isn't waking up," I said.
"We don't know that."
"Why does everyone get hurt but me?"
"And me," he said. He tried to laugh but faltered.
"I can't go to Nebraska this summer. It's not safe for Grandma and Grandpa to be near me." I ran my hand against the cold stone of the ledge. It crept dangerously close to his, and I whispered, "I'm not safe."
"Where will you go?" He eased closer.
"I don't know."
"What will you do?"
I shook my head, found that his should was so close I wanted to rest there, but I didn't dare. "I don't know."
And then his arms were around me. When he kissed me it was hungrier somehow, as if this moment was all we had, and we had to taste it, drink it, savor it, and not waste a single drop.
"Run away with me." Zach's breath was heavy and warm against my face. I didn't hear the words, I only knew that the kiss was real - the kiss was safe.
I kissed him again.
"Gallagher Girl," he said, pulling back, holding my face in both of his hands, "we can go.
We can run. We can get off the grid and stay off the grid until it's safe. For everyone. His eyes were inches from mine as he whispered, "We can keep each other safe."
"What are you saying, Zach?" I tried to push him away.
"We're the only two people in the world the Circle will think twice about killing."
"That's not funny."
"I'm not laughing." He held me closer. "You're right - no one's safe with us around.
Listen to me, Cammie, we could do this. We've been training our whole lives to do this."
"I can't." I shook off the thought before it could take root somewhere inside of me. "No.
No. My mother -"
"Would understand," Zach snapped. "I'm surprised she hasn't had the same idea." His hands found mine again. "If no one knows where we are, then no one can find us."
Tactically speaking, Zach was right. And yet I couldn't stop looking at him like he was crazy as he said, "We. Can. Do. This."
I felt his hands and knew they were still warm, blood was still flowing through him, he was still breathing - we both were.
We should have been dead.
Remember what I said about hop? About lies? If Zach had been talking crazy, it would have been easy to discount it, to turn and walk away.
But the truth . . . the truth - even when it comes in tiny kernels - isn't so easy to discard, so I stood with him, staring out at the morning light, trying to decide what pieces I should try to carry.
"I can't leave with you, Zach." I kissed him lightly.
He pulled me gently toward him, held me close and said, "I know."
Chapter Forty-Six
It's finals week now as I write this. Just this morning Bex was looking at me across the table in the Grand Hall as I scribbled these last few words.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"CoveOps report," I answered, and that was all I had to say. My friends know what is riding on these reports these days. They've seen the power of the words my father and Mr. Solomon wrote before we were even born. None of us will skimp on our paperwork ever again.
When we left the Grand Hall, Bex and Macey started toward the front door for P&E. Liz headed to the labs and one last experiment before the semester ends.
"Wait," I called, and the three of them stopped and looked at me.
My bruises are almost gone. My shoulder is well. Physically, I am my old self, but when my friends turned to look at me, they all smiled at me as I might break.
"I love you guys, you know that, right?"
They looked at each other like maybe I banged my head a little harder than they'd thought.
"Cam . . ." Liz started toward me but I waved her away.
"I mean, school's going to be out, and no matter what happens this summer I just have to say it . . . I love you. It's just something I had to say."