And his shaft billowed with heat, bobbing like a balloon over a bonfire. Pulsing with his heartbeat. The whole room was moving up and down.
His arms were suddenly at his sides. Had he let go of the chains? As he tried to reach up, she laughed—fuck, he could get off just listening to her—“Come here, Benjamin.”
With a firm grip, she guided him into a chair. Nice big chair, a soft blanket beneath his trembling legs. He was floating in a cool sea.
“Benjamin.” Her hands on his face were sweetness itself. “Look at me, my tiger.”
His eyelids were heavy, but she had the most beautiful eyes. He could look into them forever.
When had she sat on his lap? But she was. She’d straddled his legs, her knees bracketing his thighs. If he could have lifted his arms, he’d have held her.
“You remember my brother Travis? He left the Marines because he couldn’t cope any longer.”
Her brother. Yes, he’d met her brother. Somewhere. Nice guy. Ben’s skin burned, his cock throbbed so oddly, and her eyes were so, so blue.
“Why did you leave the Rangers, Benjamin?”
He wasn’t in anymore, was he? Was discharged. No military career for him. The loss made his eyes prickle, but the fog wrapped around him, kept the grief back. “Got hurt.”
“And that’s why you didn’t go back.”
“Nooo.” He managed to swallow, and oh, she was stroking his shoulders, his chest. Such little hands to be so powerful. “Not why.”
“Why, Ben?”
“Couldn’t kill more. Too many. Each one worse. Like a weight. Got jumpy…”
Anne nodded as his voice trailed off. Yes, there was the reason. She ached for him, for his unsolvable dilemma. Because this warrior who was so good at killing had a caring heart that had probably been sliced open with each shot he took.
And then he’d had PTSD to top off the unholy brew.
He’d recovered. In fact, he was the most even-tempered man she’d ever met. But loyalty and duty could create blind spots. “If you’d stayed in, you think you’d have kept your teammates from dying. Is that right?”
His eyes dulled. He nodded slowly.
“Travis wanted to return, but he didn’t. He said he’d freeze at the wrong time. Or panic and shoot up his team. How about you?”
His reactions were slow, his mind still in the twilight world of subspace. His gaze had focused somewhere…else.
“What do you see, honey?”
“Rockface freaked. Shot our medic.”
“Rockface stayed too long, didn’t he?” Anne asked softly. “Maybe he should have gotten out?”
“Yeah.”
“Each person hits a point where he can’t process anything else. Can’t keep up. Then it’s time to get out. Or you risk hurting your teammates.”
She waited. Waited some more.
Added another fact. “You did the right thing, Ben.”
“They’re dead.”
“And you’re alive.”
“Should’ve died with them.”
God, what more could she do to help him see?
She gritted her teeth…and picked up the steel cock ring. She set the cold metal against his throat…right over the artery. His mind was slow, his senses messed up. He’d feel the coldness, not how blunt it was.
He’d feel the threat of a knife.
His entire body jerked, his muscles tensing.
The risk nauseated her. “What if you could be with them now, subbie? Do you want that? Or will you fight to live?”
Wide, stunned eyes met hers. And yet…he didn’t move.
“I want you alive, Ben. What do you want? Should I let you live?”
After a long, long moment, as her own fears tried to overwhelm her, he nodded.
Pulse pounding in her ears, she sagged in relief. After tossing the ring to the ground, she wrapped her arms around him. “Losing someone hurts, doesn’t it?”
“Hurts,” he agreed.
“Over there, you fought for me, your family, your friends. To keep us safe.”
“Yeah.”
“Now you’re here. That means your buddies were fighting to keep you safe, too. Weren’t they?”
He blinked.
“Mouse would want you to live, Ben. Not to give up. You have to survive to make his sacrifice worth it.”
“He died. I should have been there.”
“We all die sometime, my tiger. That moment…that place…wasn’t yours. Your time will come. Until then, your job is to live as best you can.”
He stared at her.
“That’s your duty now, Ben.”
Should she have taken him deeper?