“I’ll be able to forgive you if you tell me,” I whispered. “I’m here for you. How many times do I need to tell you that?”
Fury twisted his face, dissolving his disbelief at my confession. “You say you won’t judge, yet I feel your hatred toward me, Nila. You say you’re there for me, but how far will that willingness go?” He stepped back again, moving to the door.
He can’t leave.
“You know nothing. And it’s best if you continue knowing—”
“Shut up.” I stalked toward him, my toes sinking into carpet. “Shut up and tell me. Tell me what you’re hiding.” My voice remained level, not rising to anger once again budding inside.
This wasn’t a fight. This wasn’t an ultimatum.
This was the end.
The breaking point of everything that’d been crushing us deeper and deeper into untruths. The sooner he let himself snap, the better we would be.
Sighing heavily, his shoulders rolled. “I wish I’d never met you. I wish all of this would disappear.”
His words sliced a wound deep and true. His voice was a horrible blade; cutting my arteries and making me bleed a river.
“Listen to me, Jethro Kite Hawk,” I said through fresh tears. “I’m only going to say this one more time. If you listen and see what I’m offering, all of this could be different. But if you don’t; if you choose your family over me again, if you push me away and pretend that what exists between us isn’t worth fighting for, then I’m done. Do you get it?”
My voice gathered momentum. “You’ve hurt me. Everything inside wants to switch off and cut you from my soul. I’m close. So damn close to that—to slicing you free and never talking to you again.”
He hunched into himself with every word.
I swallowed back a sob. I kept going. “There’s a place inside me that’s fading. What I feel for you is dying, and once it’s gone, I won’t have the strength to get it back. Do you think I enjoyed paying the Third Debt? Do you think I enjoyed having Kes do what he did?” Tears spilled with no authority. “It was absolute torture, Jethro. The worst one I’ve had to pay because you weren’t there for me. You weren’t there to feel my pain or help me get through it. You left me! Do you have any idea how much that killed me? To think we had something, only for you to walk out and deliver me to that horror?”
His teeth locked together, backing away from me, moving toward the door.
I advanced all the while talking, hoping he listened. “But despite all that—the Debt Inheritance, the unforgivable handing me over, the lies and horrible behaviour—none of that matters if you make me understand.”
I lowered my gaze, looking at his bare feet. If I wanted ultimate honesty for him, I had to be prepared to do the same. It hurt to look deep inside—to give myself no room to hide and to come face to face with a girl I no longer recognised. But I did it. Because I was strong and brave and ready to give in order to receive. “No matter how screwed up and wrong the past few months have been, they’ve been the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
Jethro sucked in a breath.
“If a guardian angel had told me this would happen. If they’d come to me the night before you stole me and explained the atrocities I would live through, I would still have come with you.”
A groan cut short as Jethro froze in place.
“I would’ve waited for you with open arms. I would’ve gladly said goodbye to my life and let you torment me because it made me a better person—a stronger person—a person worthy of what I feel for you.” I stiffened. “So don’t tell me you wish you’d never met me, Jethro Hawk, because I would live a thousand debts just for the gift of having you love me.”
Goosebumps covered my naked arms. “I was wrong when I said you were weak. You’re not. You’re strong. Loyal. So twisted inside, no one can save you but you.”
Our breathing laced together as we let the impact of truth tear us apart.
If what he said was true and no one had touched me but Kestrel, then I had both brothers to thank. Somehow, they’d conspired together; I owed them my sanity.
Jethro didn’t move—he seemed atrophied with guilt and shame.
I breathed hard, forcing myself to expose the last exquisitely vulnerable honesty. “I can’t help you if you don’t want me. But this…this is me asking you to love me. I’m begging you to trust me. I’m telling you that you’re strong enough to survive whatever it is you struggle. I’m asking you to choose me, Jethro. Before it’s too late.”
Choose me. Love me. Save me.
His fists clenched. His head bowed and the most heart-clenching gasp fell from his lips. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
I choked back a sob, caught between needing to hide and going to hold him. “I know. But I’m not looking for an apology for what’s happened. I would’ve paid a million times over to deserve you.”
My tummy fluttered with an aviary of birds. Please, listen. Please, see me. “I’m looking for a promise, Jethro.” I drifted toward him.
He didn’t move as the distance diminished. Hesitantly, with the gentlest touch, I placed a hand over his heart. The same irregular beat hammered back. The same uncertainty and lostness from the springs.
“I’m asking you to make me yours,” I murmured. “Take me into your heart. Let me enter your soul. Give in to what we have.”
He swallowed a moan and everything crested inside him. His eyes snapped to mine. With savage strength, he grabbed my collar and swung me around to press against the door. His lips landed on my ear, his breath fast and erratic. “That’s what I’ve been doing. Letting you inside me—permitting you to ruin me every fucking day. You already know how I feel about you. You already know that I’m worthless because of it.”
My heart raced. “You’re not worthless. If you show me the goodness inside you, I can prove you’re priceless.”
He laughed harshly. He looked dangerously unhinged. “Try telling that to my father.” His fingers twitched around my collar. “I’ve made myself clear. I’ve been nothing but transparent about what happened. I’ve done everything that I could.”
My eyes popped wide, even as more tears fell. “You think you’ve been transparent!” Shoving him backward, I slapped him. “You’re not transparent! You’re so damn obtuse—so tied up in your lies—that you have no idea what you’re saying anymore!”
His entire body tensed. “The Debt Inheritance is my cross to bear—not yours. This isn’t about what your family did to mine—it’s about if I’m worthy enough! Don’t you get it? This was never about you! It’s always been about me, and I’m fucking everything up. I’m killing myself!”
A half-sob half-laugh erupted from my mouth. “The moment you took my hand in Milan, this ceased to be about you. This isn’t about Hawks or Weavers or any other bullshit you can come up with.” Shoving him again, I screamed, “It’s about us! About what we’ve found. Together!”
“There is nothing between us but debts!”
I shook my head, my palm itching to slap him again. “How do you explain what happens when you’re inside me then? How do you explain the link we feel when we let ourselves be honest?”
“What happened in the springs was a mistake. It was just fucking—”
I punched his chest, making him stumble. “Liar. Such a damned awful liar! You love me—you just can’t admit it. You want me over wealth and inheritances and family—you’re just too fucking terrified to man up and see the truth!”
I advanced on him. Everything I’d been dying to say spewed forth in a torrent of accusations. “I see the way you look at me. I feel the way you touch me. I hear the hidden messages in your voice. Unlike you, I’ve been blessed knowing the warmth that comes with love. The way a person’s eyes glow and body softens. You love me! And if you can stand there and deny it—when it’s so blatantly obvious—then there really is no hope for us. You might as well march me outside and complete the Final Debt, because I’d rather you kill me quickly than live through this endless death!”
I sucked in a breath. My lungs gasped for oxygen as if I hadn’t breathed since entering Hawksridge. There was clarity and blazing freedom in chopping up our lies, letting them fall around our feet like confetti.
Looking at the carpet, I rubbed the ache in my chest. “I’m done,” I whispered. “If you can’t say anything after I just revealed everything, then there truly is no hope and I refuse to waste—”
Jethro’s breathing turned heavy. He backed away until his spine slammed against the wall. His chin dropped; his hands clutched at the smoothness behind him.
Our eyes met.
A terrible storm howled inside, twisting him into knots. His hands flew to grip his skull, his chest rising and falling with sporadic agony. “What do you want from me, Nila? You want to know that I fucking love you more than I can stand? That I’m breaking because I know I’m not good enough for you? What?”