Every since the day that Coop died, I feel like I’ve been struggling to find my place. Find where I belong. His death kills me daily. We weren’t as close as we had been four years ago. Between things picking up at CS and our moving from California to Georgia, we were just too busy. I regret that daily. I know I looked stupid for running, but I couldn’t stay. Not when I’d lost the one person who’d had my back like no one else. Sure, I was close with the girls—especially Melissa—but something held me back from giving them one hundred percent of Emersyn. To this day, the only ones who know my whole story are Axel and…well, Coop.
I’m sure the other guys know bits and pieces, but they don’t know everything. Axel made me a promise the day I met him that he would do his best to never let my past come up again. I’ll never forget his words.
“We all have our battles. We get past them the best we can by putting one foot in front of the other. Looking back doesn’t do anything but make it hurt a little more.”
So that’s what I did. I did it for four years as I worked for the boys and then I did it again when Coop gave his life and saved me again.
One foot in front of the other.
“You have a lot of nerve, Maddox Locke,” I deadpan.
He takes his eyes off the road and levels me with what I’m sure is meant to be one of his signature shut-the-hell-up glares. They don’t work on me anymore. I don’t care. He’s kept me dangling by a string of desire for years now. I prayed that he would just look at me. And now, now that I’m working on fixing myself, he thinks he can just storm right in and save the day.
“What do you want from me? Huh? Is this some sick game with you?!”
He ignores me. Not that I expected anything less. But it does nothing but fuel my fire. How dare he!
“Four years, you idiot! I all but handed myself over to you. The only thing that was missing was a freaking bow and a cherry on the top! Four stupid years I wanted you. And now… What is this now? I’m not good enough for you, but you still want me to die a little inside by forcing me to be around you?”
His jaw ticks, but that’s all I get.
“Answer me! Why! Why now?”
Nothing.
“I hate you!” I exclaim, hating the taste of those words from my mouth when directed him. I don’t hate him and I probably never could. I’m not really sure what that says about me at this point.
I have to hold on to the dash when his car suddenly swerves to the shoulder and comes to a jarring halt. He doesn’t move to face me. Hell, he doesn’t move at all. He just faces forward with his white-knuckle grip on the wheel and his chest moving rapidly with each breath he forces through his nose.
But he still refuses to speak.
“I loved you once, you know,” I whisper more to myself than to him, but he hears me because I watch his eyes close. “I loved you unconditionally even though I was—no, even though I am—nothing to you. I left because being around you and trying to get over the fact that I’m the reason why Coop is dead was just too much. I was dying, daily, every time you would look at me but look right through me. I’m not sure why I thought that you would somehow be there for me when you never had been before.”
He doesn’t say anything, instead choosing to remain silent and let my confession linger in the air. His eyes are still closed, his body pulled tight, reminding me of the first time I met him. Even all these years later, we’re still no further than we were the first time we met when it just took three words for me to be hooked.
I let out a choppy breath and fist my hands tight, letting the pain of my nails take away the urge to cry. Gazing out the window, I beg myself to get it together.
I’m done crying over Maddox Locke.
“Chin up, buttercup.” My chest hurts when I remember Coop’s thing for me. He was constantly saying that to me when I was having a hard time.
I hear Maddox mumble under his breath and I turn my attention back to the driver’s seat. He’s looking at me with an expression I’ve never seen on his face before. I frown and let my eyes take in every inch of his face, attempting to place whatever he’s trying to tell me with his eyes. I come up empty and sigh. Why did I think I would get anywhere with this man? I look away when he doesn’t speak.
“You were never nothing, Emmy. Never nothing. Not to me. You’ve been everything for longer than I care to admit, but you deserved more than a poor bastard like me.”
I almost miss his words, but my eyes snap back to his and my jaw drops.
“For such a smart man, you really are clueless. I never wanted anything but you. What I deserved was you not pushing me away like yesterday’s trash. What I deserved was you treating me like a human being with feelings and not to play games with my heart.”
“I never played games with you, Emmy. I just tried to get you to recognize a lost cause. I wouldn’t be able to live with hurting you.”
“Are you blind?! Jesus, Maddox! That’s all you ever did was hurt me.” I laugh without humor. Then I angrily swipe at the tear that sneaks past my demand to stay locked inside. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. Just drive to wherever the hell you’re determined to take me so I can get some sleep. We can talk about it later before you take me back to Syn and head home.”
“I am home, Em,” he says under his breath.
I have no desire to argue with him, so I just lean my head against the glass and work on my strength to get past the next stage in his game.
Chapter 7—Maddox
I pull into the hotel, shut off the engine, and try to calm myself down. I’ve worked for over a decade to keep my emotions sealed away, determined not to let anyone in while I deal with the stone-cold truth that I ruin everything and everyone. I did exactly what she accused me of. I pushed her away. I was intentionally cruel to her by throwing other women in her face. Women I had no real taste for at all. Fillers, they were a means to a distraction. Let’s face it—eleven years is a long fucking time to go without sex.
So I used them. Paraded them in front of Emmy when the few social settings we were in deemed it worthy. I’ll never forget the look of pure agony the first time I brought one of them around. Daisy, a chick who knew that, when I called, all I needed was her to meet me at the local hotel and check in. She did me a favor and played the part, but all I got out of it was the feeling of sinking in the middle of the ocean with no boat in sight.