But that wasn’t for him, and he accepted that just like he’d accepted everything else. With peace and understanding. He didn’t just have scars on the outside. He was irrevocably scarred—changed—on the inside. He wasn’t sure how Nathan was handling the memories. He was sure Nathan still had his fair share of sleepless nights, but he had Shea to help him, to lean on when the past reared its ugly head. But Swanny still suffered nightmares. Flashbacks to his captivity. He still woke in a cold sweat, fearing for a moment that he was back in that hell. Chained in a cave waiting for the time when they came for him. To carve him up, beat him and interrogate him.
They hadn’t been able to break him. He took pride in that. He and Nathan both had withstood all that their captors had dished out and had never broken. Because in the end, that was all they’d had left. Their pride and determination not to let those cocksuckers win.
He had a good life now. No, he wouldn’t ever have a wife or children, and he was okay with that on most days. Every once in a while when all the Kellys got together and he was surrounded by so much love, the Kelly wives and the children, he was instilled with a fierce sense of longing, but he’d long discovered it did no good to dwell on what would never be.
Most women couldn’t even look at him without fear, disgust or pity. Pity was the worst. He’d take fear and loathing over their pity. Although it pained him for a woman to fear him just because of his appearance. He’d cut off his right arm before ever hurting a woman. It made him sick just to think about it. He’d seen enough violence in his life to know it would never be part of his makeup. Except when it came to taking out ass**les who deserved what was coming to them.
He was a killer and he suffered no qualms about meting out justice where it was merited. As long as he could look at himself in the mirror every morning with a clear conscience, he could continue to do the job required of him as a member of KGI.
“You ready?” Joe called out, shaking Swanny from his thoughts.
“Yeah. All packed up. You call Nathan and Sam?”
Joe nodded. “Nathan’s on his way over and Sam is calling Garrett, Ethan and Van to meet us there. I told him there was no need to call in Steele or Rio. This is our mission. Sin is our friend and I’m not letting anyone else head this mission.”
“Agreed,” Swanny said. “I don’t know what kind of trouble Eden’s in, but if Sin is worried then it has to be serious.”
Joe nodded. “Let’s get on the road. Nathan can fly us so there’s no need—and we don’t have the time—to call up one of the other pilots.”
Swanny grinned. “Kind of nice now that we have a landing strip on the compound. That drive to Henry County was a pain in the ass. Not to mention it makes for a hell of a quicker response time when we get called out on a mission.”
Joe slung one of the bags over his shoulder and then bent to snag the straps of the two rifles he shouldered. They carried their gear to Joe’s truck and carefully placed it in the back before sliding into the cab to head the few miles down the lake to the compound.
CHAPTER 5
WHEN Joe and Swanny got to the compound, Nathan, Sam, Garrett and Ethan were already there. Swanny walked inside the war room and laid his gear on the floor next to the door. When he looked up at the others, he had to stifle a grin of amusement that would likely get his ass kicked if noticed.
Sam and Garrett were both holding their new babies. Well, not so new. They were a few months old now, but according to Joe, they were both in teething hell and had been giving their parents a lot of sleepless nights. Swanny could only guess the dads were giving their wives a breather and had hauled the infants to the impromptu meeting.
“The tykes keeping y’all up at night?” Joe asked with a grin he didn’t disguise.
Sam and Garrett shot him disgruntled looks and Garrett made a quick shhhh and waved his free hand to quiet the others.
“I just got her to sleep,” Garrett whispered. “She hasn’t slept the entire goddamn night!”
Ethan chuckled, which earned him another glare from Garrett.
“Welcome to parenthood,” Ethan said in a loud whisper. “I’m glad to say that we’re past that stage with the twins. They’re sleeping through the night completely now. Mason is even almost potty trained! Not bad for an almost-two-year-old.”
The proud note didn’t go unnoticed by the rest. Sam rolled his eyes and made a rude gesture with his free hand.
“If only your wives could see and hear all the profanity and gestures y’all are making,” Nathan drawled. “Sarah wouldn’t be happy to hear your cursing around Kelsey.”
“Fuck you,” Garrett said in a low voice.
Sam shifted his son in his grasp and then thrust him toward Ethan. “Here. Since you’re so adept at this now, you can hold Grant while I conduct this meeting.”
Ethan happily took the infant and immediately began cooing to the gurgling baby.
Joe, Nathan and Swanny all exchanged eye rolls since they were the only ones without kids. Nathan and Shea were in no hurry to add to the growing pile of kids the Kellys were accumulating, and Joe and Swanny showed no sign of settling down any time soon.
Still, Swanny couldn’t help the surge of envy as he surveyed the room of burly warriors, all making twits of themselves over their progeny. It was hard to imagine these men as the ultimate badasses when they were talking teething, babies and potty training. And yet they ran a tight operation. They were the best. And they employed the best.
Swanny had no false modesty when it came to his skills and abilities. He’d been good before he’d come to KGI, but KGI had made him better. He was at the top of his game, or at least he was getting there. He’d been a mere shell of himself when he’d returned from Afghanistan after months of imprisonment, starvation and torture.
But with the help of good friends, the Kelly family, the KGI organization as a whole, he’d put the pieces together again. At least the physical aspects. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be the same mentally. He still had nightmares. Or night terrors, since the dreams he had weren’t likely considered normal nightmares.
Most people didn’t have nightmares involving being carved up with a knife, stripped of their clothing and being held—and treated—like an animal. Hell, most animals were afforded better treatment than he’d received at the hands of his captors.
One day he’d make peace with it all. He hoped. And in the end, that was all he could do. Hang on to hope that his past didn’t forever rule or tarnish his future. Maybe he’d live with his demons forever. But at least he was becoming more adept at surviving them.