I’d given it the night but this was my third voicemail that day.
I put my phone on my desk, ignored the cautious vibe coming from the staff in my office that I knew was caused by me, and tried to get to work.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about Hop. What I’d done, what he’d said, how to make it better. Needless to say, I didn’t get anything done.
Hours later, I called him and left another voicemail.
Hours after that, before going to bed, I called him again but since he didn’t answer, I hung up.
Tomorrow.
I’d try again tomorrow.
I settled into bed.
I didn’t sleep.
* * *
Three days later…
I know you’re angry, honey, but please, PLEASE, call me. I need to apologize face to face.
That was text two of the day. It was nine o’clock in the morning.
There would be five more before I laid my head down on my pillow in order not to get a wink of sleep.
* * *
Two days later…
I sat sipping a beer in the Compound. Brick was with me, shooting the shit.
I knew he knew or suspected. All the brothers did. I knew they knew I was hanging there hoping to see Hop.
This was kind of embarrassing.
I did not care.
Hop had his kids so it was a long shot in the evening he’d show but I was willing to take it. I was willing to do anything.
“Gotta hit the head,” Brick muttered. I gave him a smile I knew he knew I didn’t commit to by the sweet smile he gave back and the squeeze he gave my knee before he took off toward the bathroom.
I felt a hand warm and strong at the back of my neck and I twisted to see Big Petey standing close.
“How you doin’, sweetheart?” he asked quietly.
Yes. They all knew.
I stared at Big Petey thinking I had nothing left to lose.
Nothing.
“Do you know where Hop is?” I asked and his face got soft.
“No, Lanie darlin’. Sorry to say, I don’t,” he answered.
“Have you seen him?” I asked.
“Seen him around. Haven’t had words with him in a while.”
“Is he okay?” I went on, needing something, anything, even just the knowledge Hop was in a bad mood would feed the need.
“Don’t know, honey.”
I pressed my lips together before I went for broke.
“If you see him, can you ask him to call me? It’s important. Like really important,” I stressed.
His hand still at my neck gave me a reassuring squeeze that didn’t reassure me. “Will do.”
“Thanks,” I whispered, then said, “Can you tell Brick I have to go? I forgot, there’s something I need to pick up at the drugstore.”
“No problem.”
I smiled another smile I didn’t commit to. Big Petey let my neck go and I skedaddled.
Hours later, lying in bed, I called Hop.
“You’re worrying me, honey,” I said into my phone, my voice sounding strange, hoarse.
Scared.
“Call me,” I finished then I hung up.
Again, I didn’t sleep.
The next day, Hopper didn’t call.
* * *
Four days later…
I’d been sitting in my car at the curb outside Hop’s house for a very long time before he pulled up on his bike. It was Monday, after his kids were gone.
It was also time to know.
He didn’t return a single message I left and I left many. He didn’t return a single text and I sent loads of those too. And he didn’t show at the Compound in the evenings. I knew he didn’t because I went there every night and had a drink just in case I’d run into him.
So when Hop showed at the Compound the day before, walking in, spotting me, turning right on the spot and leaving, even though I made a fool of myself running after him, calling his name, he didn’t look at me when he threw a leg over his bike, made it roar and rode away.
After that, I needed to know.
And as I watched the single headlight approach, watched Hop ride into his front drive, watched him switch off his bike, walk to his front door and then walk through it, all without glancing my way, I knew.
He was done with me, no going back.
So he needed to know.
I took a deep breath, threw open my door, walked up to his house and hit the doorbell.
No answer.
I hit the bell again then knocked.
He made me wait.
I fought back tears.
He finally opened the door and, with a bottle of beer in his hand, cut me off before I could start.
“This isn’t going to happen.”
“I was eleven, I was in the city with my class on a fieldtrip, we were there to see a Broadway show when I saw him,” I began.
His eyebrows drew together but his lips said, “Lanie, whatever you gotta—”
“My dad in a restaurant, kissing the neck of a woman who was not my mother.”
His mouth snapped shut.
I held his eyes and gave it to him as I’d practiced during the two hours I sat in front of his house.
“He saw me, right through the window. I just stood there, staring at him. I didn’t get it. I was too young. But I sure grew up fast, standing on that sidewalk staring at my father with another woman.”
“Lanie—”
“Our teacher shouted my name because I wasn’t moving. That’s why he turned his head and looked out the window. He must have heard her shout my name.”
“Lanie—”
“You bought this, you take it,” I whispered and his chin jerked back before his face went soft.
I wasn’t immune to the beauty of that look. It took a lot, but I didn’t give him a single indication I wasn’t immune.
“He didn’t move, Dad didn’t. Didn’t get out of his seat and come to me. Didn’t even mouth my name. He just sat close to her, holding her hand on the table, staring at me until the teacher pulled me away. Dad never mentioned it. Not a word. He never explained himself. He never even lied to try to make it better. But, I figure, with what happened next, he decided, since the cat was out of the bag, he didn’t have to bother with pretending. Hiding. So he didn’t.”
“Come inside, lady,” Hop invited gently.
Lady.
Gutted.
Again.
Like he did after every call he didn’t return, every text he didn’t reply to, walking away from me the night before as I ran after him, calling his name.
Gutted until I was hollow.
Again.
“I’m good out here.”
Hop’s jaw clenched but he said nothing more.
I did.
“I don’t know if she moved there or he moved her there or what, but they didn’t carry on their affair in the safety of the city anymore. He wasn’t blatant about it but he didn’t give keeping it under wraps a lot of effort. People saw him going to late movies with her. Saw them eating dinner together one town over. Saw them shopping together. My sister Lis saw them, too.” I paused. “I saw them, too.”