Meaning, you create a character based on yourself. Plenty of people created characters whole cloth, but the point of the thing was to create your own personal self and send it through hell. You struggle to exit each circle, but you know the next one will be worse, that the stakes will be higher, and your missions harder. This being the case, when you stop, you have found your sin. Your flaw. You have discovered the thing about yourself that will send you to into the inferno.
It started with a fifteen minute questionnaire. That’s how long it took. Except it should have been a two hour questionnaire. It should have required thought and rumination, deeply personal questions had to be answered so quickly there wasn’t a second to think twice.
Dr. Thorensen taught me how to use the controllers, then went to reheat the pad thai as I instructed.
Then it started. The basics, gender, age, education, family structure, came slowly. Then it started. Multiple choice. Choose the closest answer. Rapid fire.
—do you cook your own dinner how long does it take you to eat it how long do you chat with friends after dinner do you have a mirror in your room do you wear makeup every day is your nose big are you fat do you have enough money how much does a pound of feathers weigh where was your car made price of the most expensive bag you ever bought if you found a wallet what would you do someone hits your car on the freeway what do you do how often do you shop do you reconcile your checkbook does your thumb hurt right now how many cups of coffee or tea do you drink a day how many moving violations have you gotten what color is the red hat when was your last felony arrest did your parents spank you are you worthless what is your political affiliation do you believe in legal abortion are you on birth control how many sexual partners have you had this month how much is too much are you hungry right now do you own a firearm are people are generally bad or generally good what time do you eat dinner what time do you go to bed do you dream—
::—PLEASE BE PATIENT WHILE WE CREATE YOUR AVATAR—::
“It’ll take a few minutes,” Dr. Thorensen said.
“I need a nap after that.”
“You walked in here looking like you needed a nap.”
He put down two plates of moist, hot delicious pad thai that had been reheated to perfection. I felt a mentally overwhelming need to eat it. I sat at the kitchen bar and placed the napkin over my knee. When was the last time I’d eaten a hot meal? Days ago? I was taking these noodles slow. I was going to make love to each one like it was the first time.
“I’ll try not to be offended,” I said. He offered chopsticks and a fork. I could use chopsticks fine, but my hands had started shaking, so I took the fork.
“In my line of work, I see a lot of people who don’t take care of themselves when a loved one is sick.”
He said it in a doctor voice, as if it was a professional opinion, and thus something that could not cause offense. I wondered what it would be like to date a doctor and deal with that voice all the time. Did he use it when he wanted to tell a woman she needed to pay attention to his feelings, or she shouldn’t rehearse on Tuesday nights? Was he a professional when complaining about the in-laws?
“Yeah, well,” I said, spooling a single noodle onto my fork, “he’s going to be out soon, and then I’m going to be fat and happy.”
“I peeked in on his surgery. Everything seemed to be going fine. He’s young. You guys are going to be tooling around in your new Jaguar in no time.”
I think I turned a little red. “I just want to get back to work. One, they feed us. Nothing like a free lunch.”
“He doesn’t take care of you?”
I must have burned black, smoking holes in his face, because he pursed his lips shut and looked down at his plate as if he’d just stepped in my personal daisy patch.
“I will allow you to take that back,” I said. “A show of gratitude for the thai.”
He laughed, and it didn’t sound professional. Thank god. “I’m sorry. I take it back. I shouldn’t have assumed.”
“Got that right, doctor.”
“Brad.”
“Fine.”
A singsong bell rang from the stereo speakers. Naturally, an audio monolith had been connected to the system to make City of Dis a three dimensional aural experience.
“Your avatar’s ready,” Brad said. “I’m dying of curiosity.”
I swallowed the last noodle and bean sprout, and went to find out who the game thought I was.
CHAPTER 12.
MONICA
I pulled a last-minute brunch shift, which was such a relief I think I giggled all the way through it. I’d played City of Dis with Brad until midnight, so I was tired, which made my punchier. The game was all-encompassing. He’d started me on the eighth circle, where he was, and we could cycle around to see if I’d get caught in the trap of my own invisible sins. We solved puzzles, interacted with hellions, eaten virtual food and imbibed radioactive-colored drinks that made the screens blurry and shaky. The game was alternately frightening, sweet, intense, dramatic and funny. I actually forgot about Jonathan for seconds at a time.
The call from Debbie in the morning was like the clouds opening up to heavenly light. I texted Margie that I wouldn’t be in to see Jonathan until after my shift. She responded right away.
—He looks better. Already demanding your presence. I told him to hold his horses.—
—Do NOT tell him I need the money you’ll give him another heart attack—
At break time, I rummaged through my bag for my phone and found my mother had called me back. Funny how I’d decided to forget all about that. Not funny ha-ha funny, but funny you-are-a-pussy funny. I had ten minutes left of break, which meant there was a time limit to how long this pain could last.
I stood in front of my locker and dialed my mother’s number. Eight minutes of break left.
“Hello?” Amazing how her voice could sound so familiar and so strange at the same time.
“Hi, Mom. It’s me. I’ve been calling.”
“Are you all right?”
She broadcast panic, and the rawness of her emotion sent a welling in my chest and brought moisture to my eyes. I hadn’t shed a tear of stress or worry over Jonathan because I wanted to be strong. I didn’t want to show weakness in front of his family. They were all so freaking stoic. But with my mother’s tone of voice telling me that Hi, Mom. It’s me, was enough to panic her, I almost lost my shit.
And I remembered my Mom then. The things that put me over the edge. The drama. The constant, overwhelming emotional storms. It was one such storm that had led her to fling names at Kevin and me, sending me out the door permanently, with my viola forgotten in his trunk.