Emily smiled, as another question came to her. “Why do you think we like girls? Because I was reading that it was genetic, but does that mean that if I had a daughter, she would think her Barbies were cute, too?” She thought for a moment, before rambling on. No one was around and it felt good to ask some of the things that had been circling around in her brain. That’s what this meeting was supposed to be about, right? “Although…my mom seems like the straightest woman on earth,” Emily continued, a little manically. “Maybe it skips a generation?”
Emily stopped, realizing that Becka was staring at her with a weirded-out expression on her face. “I don’t think so,” she said uneasily.
“I’m sorry,” Emily admitted. “I’m kind of babbling. I’m just really…confused. And nervous.” And aching, she wanted to add, dwelling for a second on how Maya’s face had collapsed when Emily told her it was over.
“It’s okay,” Becka said quietly.
“Did you have a girlfriend before you went into Tree Tops?” Emily asked, more quietly this time.
Becka chewed on her thumbnail. “Wendy,” she said almost inaudibly. “We worked together at the Body Shop at the King James Mall.”
“Did you and Wendy…fool around?” Emily nibbled on a potato chip.
Becka glanced suspiciously at the manger figurines on the altar, like she thought that Joseph and Mary and the three wise men were listening in. “Maybe,” she whispered.
“What did it feel like?”
A tiny vein near Becka’s temple pulsed. “It felt wrong. Being…gay…it’s not easy to change it, but I think you can. Tree Tops helped me figure out why I was with Wendy. I grew up with three brothers, and my counselor said I was raised in a very boy-centric world.”
That was the stupidest thing Emily had ever heard. “I have a brother, but I have two sisters too. I wasn’t raised in a boy-centric world. So what’s wrong with me?”
“Well, maybe the root of your problem is different.” Becka shrugged. “The counselors will help you figure that out. They get you to let go of a lot of feelings and memories. The idea is to replace them with new feelings and memories.”
Emily frowned. “They’re making you forget stuff?”
“Not exactly. It’s more like letting go.”
As much as Becka tried to sugarcoat it, Tree Tops sounded horrible. Emily didn’t want to let go of Maya. Or Ali, for that matter.
Suddenly, Becka reached out and put her hand over Emily’s. It was surprising. “I know this doesn’t make much sense to you now, but I learned something huge in Tree Tops,” Becka said. “Life is hard. If we go with these feelings that are…that are wrong, our lives are going to be even more of an uphill battle. Things are hard enough, you know? Why make it worse?”
Emily felt her lip quiver. Were all lesbians’ lives an uphill battle? What about those two g*y women who ran the triathlon shop two towns over? Emily had bought her New Balances from them, and they seemed so happy. And what about Maya? She used to cut herself, but now she was better.
“So is Wendy okay that you’re in Tree Tops now?” Emily asked.
Becka stared at the stained-glass window behind the altar. “I think she gets it.”
“Do you guys still hang out?”
Becka shrugged. “Not really. But we’re still friends, I guess.”
Emily ran her tongue over her teeth. “Maybe we could all hang out some time?” It might be good to see two ex-gays who were actually friends. Maybe she and Maya could be friends, too.
Becka cocked her head, seeming surprised. “Okay. How about Saturday night?”
“Sounds good to me,” Emily answered.
They finished their lunch and Becka said good-bye. Emily started down the sloped green, falling in line with the other Rosewood Day kids heading back to class. Her brain was overloaded with information and emotions. The lesbian triathletes might be happy and Maya might be better, but maybe Becka had a point, too. What would it be like at college, then after college, then getting a job? She would have to explain her sexuality to people over and over again. Some people wouldn’t accept her.
Before yesterday, the only people who knew how Emily truly felt were Maya, her ex, Ben, and Alison. Two out of the three hadn’t taken it very well.
Maybe they were right.
17
BECAUSE ALL CHEESY RELATIONSHIP MOMENTS HAPPEN IN CEMETERIES
Wednesday after school, Aria watched Sean pedal his Gary Fisher mountain bike farther in front of her, easily climbing West Rosewood’s hilly country roads. “Keep up!” he teased.
“Easy for you to say!” Aria answered, pedaling furiously on Ella’s old beat-up Peugeot ten-speed from college—she’d brought it with her when she moved into Sean’s. “I don’t run six miles every morning!”
Sean had surprised Aria after school by announcing he was ditching soccer so they could hang out. Which was a huge deal—in the 24 hours she had lived with him, Aria had learned that Sean was über–soccer boy, the same way her brother was manic about lacrosse. Every morning, Sean ran six miles, did drills, and kicked practice goals into a net set up on the Ackards’ lawn until it was time to leave for school.
Aria struggled up the hill and was happy to see that there was a long descent in front of them. It was a gorgeous day, so they’d decided to take a bike ride around West Rosewood. They rode past rambling farmhouses and miles of untouched woods.
At the bottom of the hill, they passed a wrought-iron fence with an ornate entrance gate. Aria hit her brakes. “Hold on. I completely forgot about this place.”