Next to the blue suit were several pairs of blue jeans and slacks and tee shirts, one with the name of Joshua’s baseball team on it. Jennifer stood there running her hands aimlessly over the clothes, losing all track of time.
Mrs. Mackey appeared at her side. “Are you all right, Mrs. Parker?”
Jennifer said politely, “I’m fine, thank you, Mrs. Mackey.”
“Can I help you with something?”
“No, thank you. I’m going to dress Joshua. What do you think he would like to wear?” Her voice was bright and cheerful, but her eyes were dead.
Mrs. Mackey looked into them and was frightened. “Why don’t you lie down a bit, dear? I’m going to call the doctor.”
Jennifer’s hands moved across the clothes hanging in the closet. She pulled the baseball uniform from the hanger. “I think Joshua would like this. Now, what else will he need?”
Mrs. Mackey watched helplessly as Jennifer went over to the dresser and took out underwear, socks and a shirt. Joshua needed these things because he was going away on a holiday. A long holiday.
“Do you think he’ll be warm enough in this?”
Mrs. Mackey burst into tears. “Please, don’t,” she begged. “Leave those things. I’ll take care of it.”
But Jennifer was already on her way downstairs with them.
The body was in the mortuary’s slumber room. They had placed Joshua on a long table that dwarfed the small figure.
When Jennifer returned with Joshua’s clothes, the mortician tried once again. “I spoke to Doctor Morris. We both agree that it would be much better, Mrs. Parker, if you would let us handle this. We’re quite used to it and—”
Jennifer smiled at him. “Get out.”
He swallowed and said, “Yes, Mrs. Parker.”
Jennifer waited until he had left the room and then she turned to her son.
She looked into his sleeping face and said, “Your mother is going to take care of you, my darling. You’re going to wear your baseball uniform. You’ll like that, won’t you?”
She pulled the sheet away and looked at his naked, shrunken body, and then she began to dress him. She started to slip his shorts on him and she recoiled from the icy cold of his flesh. It was as hard and stiff as marble. Jennifer tried to tell herself that this piece of chill, lifeless flesh was not her son, that Joshua was away somewhere, warm and happy, but she was unable to make herself believe it. It was Joshua on this table. Jennifer’s body began to shake. It was as though the cold inside Joshua had gotten inside her, chilling her to the marrow. She said fiercely to herself, Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
She took deep, shuddering breaths, and when she was finally calmer she resumed dressing her son, talking to him all the while. She pulled his shorts on, then his trousers, and when she lifted him up to put his shirt on, his head slipped and fell against the table and Jennifer cried out, “I’m sorry, Joshua, forgive me!” and she began to weep.
It took Jennifer almost three hours to dress Joshua. He was wearing his baseball uniform and favorite tee shirt, white socks and sneakers. The baseball cap shadowed his face, so Jennifer finally laid it on his chest. “You can carry it with you, my darling.”
When the undertaker came and looked into the room, Jennifer was standing over the dressed body, holding Joshua’s hand and talking to him.
The man walked over and said gently, “We’ll take care of him now.”
Jennifer took one last look at her son. “Please be careful with him. He hurt his head, you know.”
The funeral was simple. Jennifer and Mrs. Mackey were the only ones there to watch the small white coffin being lowered into the freshly dug grave. Jennifer had thought of telling Ken Bailey, for Ken and Joshua had loved each other, but Ken was no longer in their lives.
When the first shovelful of dirt had been thrown on the coffin, Mrs. Mackey said, “Come along, dear. I’ll take you home.”
Jennifer said politely, “I’m fine. Joshua and I won’t be needing you any more, Mrs. Mackey. I’ll see that you get a year’s wages and I’ll give you a reference. Joshua and I thank you for everything.”
Mrs. Mackey stood there staring as Jennifer turned and walked away. She walked carefully, standing very straight, as though she were going down an eternal corridor wide enough for only one person.
The house was still and peaceful. She went up to Joshua’s room and closed the door behind her and lay on his bed, looking at all the things that belonged to him, all the things he had loved. Her whole world was in this room. There was nothing for her to do now, nowhere for her to go. There was only Joshua. Jennifer started with the day he was born and relived all her memories of him.
Joshua taking his first steps…Joshua saying car-car and Mama, go play with your toys…Joshua going off to school alone for the first time, a tiny, brave figure…Joshua lying in bed with the measles, his body racked with misery…Joshua hitting a home run and winning the game for his team…Joshua sailing…Joshua feeding an elephant at the zoo…Joshua singing Shine On, Harvest Moon on Mother’s Day…The memories flowed on, home movies in her mind. They stopped on the day Jennifer and Joshua were to leave for Acapulco.
Acapulco…where she had seen Adam and made love with him. She was being punished because she had thought only of herself. Of course, Jennifer thought. This is my punishment. This is my hell.
And she started all over again, beginning with the day Joshua was born…Joshua taking his first steps…Joshua saying car-car, and Mama, go play with your toys…