“I couldn’t stop.” The words were simple, the truth behind them fathoms deep.
“I know.” He looked up at her, studying her face as intently as he’d studied the pictures. “I didn’t know you, afterward,” he murmured. “I was devastated, but the basic me didn’t change. You . . . you turned into . . .” He paused as if searching for the right word. “An Amazon. I couldn’t keep up with you, couldn’t even touch you. You were so fierce, so determined, that you left me in the dust.”
“I didn’t mean to,” she said, and sighed. “But I couldn’t see anything else, couldn’t listen to anything else. I knew he was out there, and I had to find him.”
“I wish I’d had that conviction. I envied you your focus, your belief that he was still alive. I couldn’t believe it. I’ve had him dead and buried for years, and I thought I’d handled it, b-but now I know he’s alive and I feel like such a shit because I gave up on him.” He buried his face in his hands.
“No, don’t.” Moving swiftly to him, Milla put her arm around his shoulder. “My biggest fear was that he was dead, and I couldn’t stop looking for him because I had to know for certain. There was nothing you could have done that you didn’t do—”
“I could have looked for him! I could have been beside you, helping you.”
“Don’t be silly, of course you couldn’t. David, how many people would have died if you had stopped performing surgery?”
He considered that. “Maybe none. There are a lot of good surgeons in this town.” Then his natural surgeon’s ego kicked in. “Okay, maybe twenty or so. Or thirty.”
She smiled. “There’s your answer, Doogie. You did what you had to do. I did what I had to do. There’s no right, no wrong, no woulda coulda shoulda. So get off the pity train, and let’s talk about the future.”
Five minutes later, after she’d explained what she wanted, what they had to do, his face was once again white with shock.
26
The time with David was wrenching but necessary. When she walked out of his office, Milla knew she would probably never see him again, so she told him good-bye, kissed his cheek, and wished him a wonderful life. “You can stop with the alimony payments, too,” she’d said, smiling at him through her tears. “There’s your reason for practicing medicine: you funded the search. I couldn’t have done it without you in the background, supporting me and making sure I had the financial freedom to look for him.”
“But what will you do now?” he asked, looking troubled.
“The same thing, I guess. Look for lost kids. I’ll have to draw some kind of salary, though.” The truth was, she had no idea what she was going to do. For so long her life had revolved around one thing, finding Justin, and now that she had, she felt as if she had hit a wall that she couldn’t see over. She was exhausted in every way, mentally, physically, and emotionally. She thought of going back to El Paso and felt nothing but blankness. So much had happened there, maybe too much. After she went back to North Carolina and handled matters there, then she would sleep for maybe a couple of days, and when she woke up she would feel better. Then she’d be able to think about the future. She was good at finding the lost ones. How could she stop now, just because she’d found her lost one?
David caught her as she started out the door, and fiercely hugged her to him as if he, too, knew that the last tie binding them had been severed. “Now you can move on, too,” he said.
Move on to where? she wanted to ask. Maybe one day she would know. For now, all she could focus on was what she had to do next.
She had booked a return flight to Charlotte late that afternoon, and by the time the flight landed she wanted nothing more than to check into her hotel, crawl into bed, and not move for at least twelve hours. Instead she ordered room service and unpacked while she was waiting for her sandwich to be delivered. She even had time to iron the outfit she planned to wear tomorrow.
After she ate, she put the room service tray outside the door and paced around the limited space, getting her thoughts in order. Finally, cell phone in hand, she looked up the Winborns’ number in the local telephone book and dialed it.
A woman’s pleasant voice answered on the fourth ring, with the particular ooo sound to her o’s that Milla already recognized as Carolinian. “Hello?”
“Mrs. Winborn?”
“Yes, it is.”
“My name is Milla Edge. I’m the founder of an organization called Finders, which helps locate lost or kidnapped children.”
“Yes, of course,” Rhonda said kindly. “That’s such a worthy cause; I’ll be glad to donate—”
“No, this isn’t a telemarketing call,” Milla quickly interrupted. “It concerns your adopted son.”
There was utter silence on the other end. She couldn’t even hear Rhonda breathing.
“What do you mean?” Rhonda finally choked. “How can it concern—He’s adopted,” she said in a fierce whisper. “We went through a lawyer to make certain everything was legal. Don’t you dare—”
“It’s a complicated matter,” Milla said, and hurried to reassure her. “There’s some paperwork that needs to be done. Could I make an appointment to meet with both you and your husband tomorrow? I promise it won’t take long.”
“What kind of paperwork?”
“Legal,” Milla said, unwilling to go into more detail on the phone. She didn’t want to spook the Winborns into grabbing Justin and disappearing in the middle of the night. She knew that’s what she would do, rather than risk her son. “It’s just some signatures. No one is questioning the adoption.”