My hand finds his shirt, slipping over the rolling muscles in his stomach. He makes a hissing sound and darts away. “All right,” he says. “That was good.”
I don’t know what just happened. I don’t know why he pulled away. “It was better than good, Hayden.”
He mutters a curse and sits forward over his knees. “Brooke, just . . . give me a minute here.”
There’s only one reason he could have stopped. I can’t let that get in the way. “Hayden, what happened with Hyde was . . .” I don’t know how to finish my thought.
What happened between Hyde and me was a beautiful, fragile thing. But it feels like talking about it with Hayden would be disrespectful.
“It’s not that.” He rubs his hands over his head and lets out a breath. “Though it should be.”
“Then what? Is it Perry? Because I’m not with him anymore.”
Hayden lifts his head. “No, Brooke. It’s you.”
This throws me. My cheeks warm. “What about me?” I ask, preparing to defend myself.
“You’re running, Brooke. It’s like we’re back in those woods. You’re sprinting through this, and I don’t think . . .” He sighs. “I just have this feeling you don’t really want to do this.”
“Are you really going to tell me what I want?”
“I’m only telling you what I think. But I would like to know: What do you want?”
What do I want? I have to think about it for a moment.
I want to feel wanted and cherished and safe.
I want to find someone who won’t trade me for another.
I want to find love that is visceral and life-sustaining.
All those answers seem a little inappropriate. So I say, “I want you to kiss me again. You’re good at it.”
Hayden gives me a look I’ve never seen before. Like he’s in pain and about to laugh at the same time. “If I do, you’ll hate me tomorrow.”
“You have it backward. I’ll hate you tomorrow if you don’t.”
“But I’ll hate myself, and that’s who I have to live with for the rest of my life.”
I don’t know why that makes me laugh, but it does.
Hayden smiles. It’s disarming, his full lips pulling into a wide grin. “I don’t want to start this the wrong way, Brooke.”
I’m not sure what the right way would be. He’s older, and surely he’s been with other women. Are there paths to love, to relationships, that are better than others? I don’t know. I only know the one I’ve taken.
“Start what? You said you weren’t interested.”
Hayden laughs. “I’m interested, Brooke. The question is, are you?”
“I’m interested in not hurting anymore.” And there it goes. My stupid, runaway mouth. “Never mind,” I say, rubbing my arms. The cool night air is seeping back into me, chilling me again.
Hayden falls quiet for what feels like a week. “That’s a good interest,” he says. “The most important one.” A look of concern emerges on his face, and panic spears through me. I’ve exposed too much of myself, my pain.
“Would you stop looking at me like that?”
“Am I pouting again?”
“No. You’re looking at me like I’m weak.” The last thing I want is for Hayden or any of the Six to see me that way.
“You, weak?” He grins, shaking his head. “Never. Now come here before you freeze.” He lifts his arm, inviting me closer.
“Are you joking?”
The words are barely out of my mouth before he drops his arm around me and pulls me close. Then he stretches his legs out, and shifts his back a little, searching for a comfortable position. Everything between us has changed. He feels totally different than he felt five minutes ago. Brotherly.
“So,” he says conversationally, “I’m a good kisser. Was I better than Hyde?”
Maybe not brotherly, then.
“Oh, now that’s a surprise. You made it into a competition.” How did I not see that coming?
“You’re avoiding the question again.”
“You were different.”
“Which is a careful way of saying better.”
“Actually, different is a way of saying dissimilar. Unalike. There’s no value judgment. It’s a neutral word.”
“Was Hyde that bad, or is it just that I’m on a completely higher level?”
I jab my elbow into his ribs. He laughs and squeezes my shoulder. “I’m not going to forget what just happened, Brooke. Probably ever. When you’re ready, I’ll be here. And if you’re never ready, that’s fine too. I’ll just suffer in silence until I’m old and gray with age.”
There’s no downplaying the glimmer of desire in his eyes.
I don’t feel the urge to draw out his thoughts like I did with Hyde. What I feel is the pull to kiss him again.
So different, I think. One brother seduced me with poetry and gentleness. The other with heat and desire.
I settle in beside him. What did I see in Perry? I search my memories, trying to decide if he was more one way or the other. More alluring in mind, like Hyde, or in body, like Hayden. After a few moments I realize Perry was both. Gentle and thoughtful at times. Irresistibly sexy at others. But this realization doesn’t hurt like I expect. I don’t feel coals in my stomach, or the bruising in my heart.
And I don’t want to dwell on what Perry was to me, either.
With Hayden’s body next to mine, I feel warmer. My muscles are tired, and I allow myself to slouch against him. To let go of my weight and just be here.