‘We’d have shifts!’ she says triumphantly. ‘I’ve got a team of chums, you know! We were all on the course together, so we all use the same techniques.’
The idea of a team of Janices, all clutching palettes of frosted eyeshadow, makes me feel a bit faint.
‘Right,’ I manage. ‘Well, that would be really … something.’
OK. I need to put this on my to-do list, right at the top. Do NOT let Janice do any make-up on the guests.
‘Better go,’ she breathes dramatically. ‘Luke approaching at one o’clock.’
Before I can say anything else, she’s slipped away to her car, just as Luke gets back into the driver’s cab.
‘Unbelievable.’ He’s breathing fast and his jaw is rock-hard. ‘Unbelievable.’
‘What is it?’ I say nervously. ‘And don’t swear in front of Minnie.’
‘Becky, I’ve got bad news.’ Luke looks directly at me. ‘The townhouse has fallen through. We can’t have it.’
For a nano-second I think he must be joking. But his face doesn’t flicker.
‘But …’
‘Some fucking moron at the office rented it to another tenant. They’ve already taken possession and our agent has only just realized.’
‘But it’s ours!’ My voice is rising in panic. ‘We need that house!’
‘I know. Believe me, they know it, too. They’re finding us an alternative within the hour or we’re checking into a hotel at their expense.’ He exhales. ‘What a total fuck-up.’
I feel a bit light-headed. This can’t be happening.
‘I’d better tell your parents …’ Luke makes to get out.
‘No!’ I almost squeal. ‘We can’t!’
‘Well, what do you suggest doing?’
I can see Mum waving at me from the Volvo, and a moment later a text comes through on my phone.
Ready to go, love?
‘Let’s just drive to Maida Vale.’ I lick my dry lips. ‘We might as well. And hopefully the agents will call on the way. We can busk it somehow.’
Alf has hoisted himself back into the cab.
‘Ready, folks?’
‘Yes,’ I say, before Luke can speak. ‘Drive. Go.’
It’ll take us an hour to get to Maida Vale, I’m thinking. At least. And in the meantime they’ll sort us out with another house and we’ll go there and it’ll all be fine. It has to be.
Except it only takes forty minutes to reach Maida Vale. I can’t believe it. Where’s all the traffic gone? Is there a conspiracy against us?
We’re driving up the main shopping road and we still don’t have a house. My exterior is strangely calm, even though my heart is galloping with panic. As long as we keep driving, we’re OK.
‘Go more slowly,’ I tell Alf yet again. ‘Go some winding back route. Go down there!’ I point at a narrow little street.
‘No left turn,’ says Alf, shaking his head.
We’ve told Alf the whole story. Or at least, he worked it out for himself, after Luke had a shouting match with the agent. (Luckily Minnie’s fallen asleep. Two-year-olds can sleep through anything.) Luke’s started calling other rental agencies as well – but so far, no one’s got a house available that can be moved into within the next twenty minutes. I feel like screaming with frustration. Where are all the houses? And where’s all the traffic?
I glance into the wing mirror, just in case by any chance Mum and Dad have peeled off or got lost – but there they still are, sticking to us like glue. Luke’s listening to a message on his phone and I gaze hopefully at him, but he shakes his head.
‘So where d’you want me to go now?’ Alf pauses at a junction, rests his arms on the throbbing steering wheel and looks at me.
‘I don’t know,’ I say desperately. ‘Could you just … circle?’
‘Circle?’ He gives me a sardonic look. ‘Do I look like a plane?’
‘Please. Just for a bit.’
Shaking his head, Alf signals left and turns down a residential street. We go along the canal, then up another residential street and are almost immediately back where we started.
‘That was too quick!’ I say in dismay.
Sure enough, a moment later, a text comes through from Mum:
Darling, is your driver lost? We’ve been down this road before. Dad says, what’s the address, he’ll use his sat nav.
‘Becky.’ Luke has come off the phone. ‘We can’t just drive round Maida Vale until we have a house.’
‘Any luck, squire?’ says Alf. He seems to have a new respect for Luke ever since he heard him swearing at the agent. In fact, despite all his sardonic little looks, I think he’s enjoying the drama.
‘None,’ replies Luke. ‘Becky, we’re going to have to come clean.’
‘No. Not yet. Let’s … let’s stop for lunch!’ I say in sudden inspiration. ‘We’ll find a coffee shop or something. Luke, here’s the plan. I’ll keep Mum and Dad entertained, and you go and see the agent, and force him to give us a house.’
Alf rolls his eyes with forbearance and is soon trying to manoeuvre the lorry into a space opposite a Café Rouge. I watch the others pulling over too, and Janice getting out to guide Martin with lots of beckoning and pointing and ‘Careful, Martin!’
I unbuckle Minnie and we all get out, stretching our legs. I feel like we’ve been on some massive road trip, not just driven up from Oxshott.