‘Yes!’ I clear my throat. ‘Good girl, Minnie! Now eat the rest for Kyla …’
I hastily head across the kitchen and start making some coffee. Behind me I can hear Kyla, determinedly upbeat.
‘C’mon, Minnie! Lovely carrots. You ate two already, so let’s see how fast you can eat the rest of them!’
‘Noooooo!’ Minnie yells at her, and I turn to see her batting the fork away. ‘Nooooo ca-rrot!’
Oh God. She’s going to start hurling all the carrots across the room in a minute.
‘Actually, Kyla,’ I say quickly, ‘could you be a real star and take some shopping upstairs for me? All the bags in the hall. And I’ll supervise Minnie.’
‘Sure.’ Kyla wipes her brow. ‘No problem.’
The minute she’s gone, I hurry to Minnie’s high chair and start cramming all the carrots into my mouth. For God’s sake, why did she have to cook so many of the bloody things? I can barely get my mouth closed around them, let alone chew them—
‘Becky?’ I freeze in dismay as I hear Kyla’s voice behind me. ‘Your mom said to bring these bags into the kitchen, is that OK?’
I don’t know what to do. My cheeks are bulging with carrots.
OK, it’s fine. I’m facing away. She can’t see my mouth.
‘Mm-hmm,’ I manage, indistinctly.
‘Oh my gosh! Did she eat all the carrots?’ Kyla drops the shopping bags. ‘But that’s so quick! What happened? Did she just start wolfing them down?’
‘Mm-hmm.’ Keeping my head averted, I give what I hope is an expressive shrug.
Now Kyla’s coming over to the high chair. Hastily I back away till I’m at the window, facing away. God, this is hideous. My jaw is starting to ache from holding in all the carrots, and my face is growing hot with the effort. I risk a quick chew, then another—
‘No way.’ Kyla’s voice comes out of nowhere. Shit! She’s about two feet away, staring at my face. How did she creep round there without me noticing? I sneak a quick glance at my reflection in the stainless-steel fridge.
Oh God. The end of a carrot is poking out of my mouth.
For a moment Kyla and I just stare at each other. I don’t quite dare push it back into my mouth.
‘Minnie didn’t eat any carrots, did she?’ says Kyla, politely but with an edge.
I stare back desperately. If I speak, will carrots fall on the floor?
‘I may have helped her out,’ I say indistinctly at last. ‘A little.’
I can see Kyla looking from me to Minnie and back again with increasing incredulity.
‘I’m getting the feeling she didn’t write a poem either, did she?’ she says, and now there’s definite sarcasm in her voice. ‘Mrs Brandon, if I’m going to work effectively with a family, I need full and candid lines of communication. I need honesty. And there’s obviously not much chance of that here. Sorry, Minnie. I hope you find a carer who works out for you.’
‘You can’t just leave—’ I begin in dismayed, muffled tones, and three carrots fall out of my mouth on to the floor.
Damn.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Tiny favour
Date: 8 February 2006
To: Becky Brandon
Dear Mrs Brandon
Thank you for your phone message. We’re sorry that things did not work out for you with Kyla.
Unfortunately, we are not able to issue Post-its to all our staff as you suggest, so that if your husband rings up, ‘the story is that Kyla broke her leg’. Regarding an instant replacement ‘who looks like Kyla’, I’m afraid this will not be possible either.
Perhaps you could telephone me if you wish to discuss this matter further.
With kind wishes
Cathy Ferris
Director, Ultimate Nannies
OXSHOTTMARKETPLACE.COM
The official website for people in the Oxshott area who
want to barter.
‘It’s fun, it’s free, it’s for everybody!!!’
GENERAL ITEMS
Ref10057
Wanted: big marquee for two hundred people (one night’s hire)
Offered: Two Marc Jacobs handbags, really cool, v.g. condition
Barterer: BeckyB
Click for more details including photos
Ref10058
Wanted: dance-floor which lights up (one night’s hire)
Offered: 20 assorted gift sets never used: Clarins, Lancôme, Estée Lauder, etc.
Barterer: BeckyB
Click for more details including photos
Ref10059
Wanted: organic hemp sleeping bag and tent
Offered: 16 bottles home-made peach wine
Barterer: JessWebster
Click for more details. No photos
Ref10060
Wanted: 100 bottles of champagne
Offered: Power Plate machine, unused, never tested, plus plastic abdominizer, Supermodel Stepper, and Get Fit In Three Days! DVD with skipping rope and book
Barterer: BeckyB
Click for more details including photos
Ref10061
Wanted: firework display (spelling out ‘Happy Birthday Luke’ at the end)
Offered: Original Art Deco cocktail cabinet, from Manhattan antique shop, cocktail shakers included
Barterer: BeckyB Click for more details including photos
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CENTRAL DEPARTMENTAL UNIT
FOR MONETARY POLICY
5th Floor
180 Whitehall Place
London SW1
Ms Rebecca Brandon
The Pines
43 Elton Road
Oxshott
Surrey
10 February 2006
Dear Rebecca
Thank you for your letter of 8 February, and for all your suggestions.
Bartering is certainly one idea to aid the economy. However, I am not sure how practical it would be for the Chancellor to barter ‘some old stuff in museums that we don’t need’ for ‘loads of French cheeses that we could all share out’. I also fear it would be unfeasible to barter ‘a minor member of the Royal Family’ with the USA, in return for ‘enough J Crew clothes for everyone’.