‘Miiiiiiiiine!’ A high-pitched, gleeful shriek fills the air and my whole body stiffens in alarm. My head whips round towards the front of the church and my stomach seems to drop.
Minnie has climbed over the altar rail and is standing right by the altar, turning each handbag upside-down and shaking out the contents. Behind me I can hear the dismayed little shrieks of Mum’s friends as they see all their things tumbling out and rolling along the floor.
‘Minnie!’ I yell, pegging it up the aisle. ‘STOP THAT!’
‘Miiiine!’ She’s joyfully shaking a Burberry shoulder bag, and coins are cascading out of it. The whole altar is a mess of purses and money and make-up compacts and lipsticks and hair brushes.
‘This is supposed to be your christening,’ I say furiously in Minnie’s ear. ‘You’re supposed to be on your best behaviour. Or you’ll never get a brother or sister!’
Minnie looks totally unrepentant, even as all Mum’s friends arrive and start exclaiming and tutting and scrabbling for the bags and money.
On the plus side, at least the kerfuffle delays proceedings. But even so, Reverend Parker is soon herding everyone into the pews.
‘If everyone could please sit down? We really need to get on …’
‘What about Luke?’ whispers Mum anxiously as she takes her seat.
‘He’ll make it,’ I say, trying to sound confident.
I’ll just have to spin things out till he arrives. There’ll be loads of prayers and talking, surely. It’ll be fine.
*
OK. I’m writing to the Archbishop of Canterbury. In my opinion, christenings are far, far too short.
We’re all sitting in the front few rows of the church. We’ve had about two prayers and a few little bits to say about renouncing evil. We’ve all sung a hymn and Minnie has spent the time shredding two hymn books. (It was the only way to keep her quiet. I’ll give the church some money.) And now suddenly Reverend Parker has asked us all to gather around the font and I’m panicking.
We can’t be up to the splashy water bit yet. I’m not letting Luke miss the big moment.
There’s been no sign of him. He isn’t replying to any of my texts. I’m hoping against hope that he’s switched off his phone because it would interfere with the helicopter controls. My neck is craned, trying to listen for a judder outside.
‘Minnie?’ Reverend Parker smiles at her. ‘Are you ready?’
‘Wait!’ I say desperately as people start getting to their feet. ‘Before the actual christening … er … Minnie’s godmother Susan Cleath-Stuart wishes to recite a poem for the occasion. Don’t you, Suze?’
Suze instantly turns in her seat and whispers ‘What?’
‘Please, Suze!’ I hiss back. ‘I need to buy some time, or Luke’ll miss it!’
‘I don’t know any poems!’ she mutters as she gets up.
‘Just read something out of the hymn book! Something long!’
Rolling her eyes, Suze picks up a hymn book and heads to the front, then smiles around the audience.
‘I would like to recite …’ She opens the book and riffles through. ‘“We Three Kings”.’ She clears her throat. ‘We three kings of Orient are. Bearing gifts we traverse afar …’
Suze is such a star. She reads it at a snail’s pace and does all the choruses twice through.
‘Very nice.’ Reverend Parker stifles a yawn. ‘And now, if you could gather round the font …’
‘Wait!’ I swivel on my seat. ‘Um, Minnie’s godfather Danny Kovitz will now …’ I gaze imploringly at him. ‘He will also … say a poem?’ Please, I mouth silently, and Danny winks back.
‘In honour of my god-daughter’s christening I will now perform “The Real Slim Shady” by Eminem,’ he says confidently.
Yikes. I hope Reverend Parker doesn’t listen too closely.
Danny isn’t the best rapper in the world, but by the time he’s finished, everyone’s clapping and whooping, even all Mum’s bridge friends. So then Danny does an encore of ‘Stan’ with Suze doing the Dido bits. Then Tom and Jess pitch in with a South American prayer for children, which is actually really moving. And then Dad takes to the floor and sings ‘Que Sera Sera’ with everyone joining in with the chorus and Martin conducting them with one of Janice’s chopsticks.
Reverend Parker is starting to look seriously pissed off by now.
‘Thank you, everyone, for your interesting contributions,’ he says tightly. ‘And now, if you could gather round the font …’
‘Wait!’ I interrupt him. ‘As Minnie’s mother, I would just like to make a short speech.’
‘Rebecca!’ snaps Reverend Parker. ‘We really do have to proceed.’
‘Just a quick one!’
I hurry to the front of the church, almost tripping up in my haste. I’ll just keep talking till Luke arrives. It’s the only way.
‘Welcome, friends and family.’ I gaze around, avoiding Reverend Parker’s stony eye. ‘What a special day this is. A special, special day. Minnie is being christened.’
I pause as though to let this thought sink in and quickly check my phone. Nothing.
‘But what do we mean by that?’ I lift a finger, just like Reverend Parker does in his sermons. ‘Or are we all just here for the ride?’
There’s an interested ripple in the audience and a couple of people nudge each other and whisper. I’m quite flattered, actually. I hadn’t thought my speech would cause such a stir.