‘Unfortunately, I did notice something that concerned me,’ Nanny Sue says seriously. ‘I’ll show you now … can you both see the screen?’
What did she notice? Whatever it was, she’s wrong. I’m feeling a burning indignation. What gives her the right to come into our house and film us and tell us what’s wrong with our daughter? Who said she was an expert, anyway?
‘Wait!’ I exclaim, and Nanny Sue stops the footage in surprise. ‘Plenty of children have spirit, Nanny Sue. But it doesn’t mean they’re spoiled. It doesn’t mean they’ve got problems. Human nature is a varied and beautiful thing. Some people are timid and some are feisty! Our daughter is a wonderful human being and I’m not having her spirit crushed at some … oppressive boot camp! And Luke agrees!’
‘I agree too.’ Nanny Sue’s voice takes me by surprise.
‘What?’ I say feebly.
‘I don’t think Minnie has problems in the slightest. She could do with more structure and discipline in her life, but otherwise she is just a lively, normal toddler.’
‘Normal?’ I stare at Nanny Sue stupidly.
‘Normal?’ exclaims Luke. ‘Is it normal to squirt ketchup at people?’
‘For a two-year-old, yes.’ Nanny Sue looks amused. ‘Entirely normal. She’s just testing the boundaries. Incidentally, when did she last squirt ketchup at anybody?’
‘Well …’ Luke looks at me a little uncertainly. ‘Actually … I don’t remember now. Not for a while.’
‘She is wilful. And at moments, she does seem to have the upper hand. I suggest that I spend a day with you and give you some advice on controlling her wilder ways. But I really don’t want you thinking that you have a problem child. Minnie is a normal child. A lovely child, in fact.’
I’m so taken aback I can’t find a reply.
‘She’s very intelligent,’ adds Nanny Sue, ‘which will be a challenge as she grows older. Intelligent children can often test their parents the most …’
She starts talking about boundaries again but I’m too chuffed to listen properly. Minnie’s intelligent! Nanny Sue said my child was intelligent! A genuine expert off the telly!
‘So, you’re not going to recommend any boot camps?’ I cut into her speech joyfully.
‘Ah, now, I didn’t say that.’ Nanny Sue’s face turns graver. ‘As I said, I did pick up something in my observations. And it worried me. Watch this.’
She presses a button and the film starts – but to my surprise, it’s not Minnie on the screen. It’s me. I’m in the taxi on the way to the discount mall and the camera is zooming in on my hands.
‘Where are you?’ Luke peers at the screen. ‘In a taxi?’
‘We … went out. Do we need really to see this?’ I make to close down the screen, but Nanny Sue smoothly moves it out of my reach.
‘We could pop into this new mall instead of the softplay,’ I can hear myself saying on screen.
‘Becky, I’d like you to look at your hands.’ Nanny Sue points with a pencil. ‘They’re shaking. Look at your fingers twitching. They began when we first saw the sign for the shopping mall, and I don’t believe they stopped until you’d bought something.’
‘I’ve just got twitchy fingers.’ I give a casual little laugh. But Nanny Sue is shaking her head.
‘I don’t want to alarm you, Becky … but has it ever occurred to you that you might have an addiction to shopping?’
A sudden snort comes from Luke, which I ignore.
‘Shopping?’ I echo at last, as though I’m not even certain what the word means. ‘Er … I don’t think so …’
‘Look at the tension in your jaw.’ She gestures at the screen. ‘Look at the way you’re tapping the seat.’
Honestly. Aren’t people allowed to tap seats any more?
‘You have an air of desperation about you,’ persists Nanny Sue. ‘To my eyes, this is a disproportionate reaction.’
‘No it’s not!’ I realize I sound too defensive and immediately backtrack. ‘Look, I hadn’t been shopping for a while, it’s a new discount mall, I’m only human! They were giving away free gifts! They had Jimmy Choo at 50 per cent off! And Burberry! Anyone would be twitchy!’
Nanny Sue looks at me for a moment as though I’ve been speaking gibberish, then turns to Luke.
‘I’m starting a new series of adult programmes. We’re going to be tackling all sorts of disorders, from addiction to anger—’
‘Wait a minute.’ I cut her off in disbelief. ‘You’re saying you want me to go to boot camp? Luke, can you believe this?’
I turn to him, waiting for him to laugh and say, ‘What a ludicrous idea.’ But he has an anxious frown.
‘Becky, I thought you said you weren’t going to shop for a while. I thought we’d made an agreement.’
‘I didn’t shop for myself,’ I say impatiently. ‘I only bought a few essential clothes for Minnie. And they were all on sale!’
‘Your life is your own concern, of course,’ Nanny Sue is saying. ‘However, my worry is that Minnie may pick up your tendencies. She already has an advanced knowledge of brand names, she seems to have an unlimited amount of money to spend—’
This is the final straw.
‘That is not true!’ I exclaim indignantly. ‘She only spends her pocket money. It’s all written down in a special book, which I showed you!’ I reach into my bag and produce Minnie’s pocket-money book. ‘Remember?’ I thrust it at Nanny Sue. ‘I mean, yes, she has the odd little advance, but I’ve explained to her she’ll need to pay it back.’