But he doesn’t. He knows, as much as I do, that this isn’t real.
I have to stop. And with a pained effort, I pull away. I struggle to catch my breath. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I can’t.”
Anden looks down, embarrassed. But not surprised. His cheeks flush a faint pink in the dim light of the room, and he runs a hand through his hair. “I shouldn’t have done that,” he murmurs. We fall silent for a few uncomfortable seconds, until Anden sighs and leans all the way back. I slouch a little, both disappointed and relieved. “I . . . know you care deeply for Day. I know I can’t hope to compete with that.” He grimaces. “That was inappropriate of me. My apologies, June.”
I have a fleeting urge to kiss him again, to tell him that I do care, and to erase the pain and shame on his face that tugs at my heart. But I also know I don’t love him, and I can’t lead him on like this. I know the real reason we went so far is that I couldn’t bear to turn him away in his darkest moment. That I wished, deep down . . . he were someone else. The truth fills me with guilt. “I should go,” I say sadly.
Anden moves farther from me. He seems more alone than ever. Still, he composes himself and bows his head respectfully. His moment of weakness has passed, and his usual politeness takes over. As always, he hides his pain well. Then he stands up and holds a hand out to me. “I’ll walk you back to your room. Get some rest—we’ll leave in the early morning.”
I stand too, but I don’t take his hand. “It’s fine. I can find my own way back.” I avoid meeting his eyes; I don’t want to see how everything I say only hurts him more. Then I turn toward the door and leave him behind.
Ollie greets me with a wagging tail when I return to my room. After a petting session, I decide to try out the Internet portal in my room while he curls up nearby and falls promptly asleep. I run a search on Anden, as well as on his father. My room’s portal is a simplified version of the portals I used earlier, without interactive textures and immersive sounds attached, but it’s still miles beyond anything I’ve seen in the Republic. I sift quietly through the search results. Most are staged photos and propaganda videos that I recognize—Anden having his portrait done as a young boy, the former Elector standing in front of Anden at official press events and meetings. Even the international community seems to have little information on the relationship between father and son. But the deeper I dig, the more I stumble across moments of something surprisingly genuine. I see a video of Anden as a four-year-old, holding his salute with a solemn young face while his father patiently shows him how. I find a photo of the late Elector holding a crying, frightened Anden in his arms and whispering something into his ear, oblivious to the crowd that surrounds them. I see a clip of him angrily shoving the international press away from his small son, of him clutching Anden’s hand so tightly that his knuckles have turned white. I stumble across a rare interview between him and a reporter from Africa, who asks him what he cares about the most in the Republic.
“My son,” the late Elector answers without hesitation. His expression never softens, but the edges of his voice shift slightly. “My son will always be everything to me, because someday he will be everything to the Republic.” He pauses for a second to smile at the reporter. Inside that smile, I think I see glimpses of a different man who once existed. “My son . . . reminds me.”
* * *
We had initially planned to return to the capital the next morning—but the news comes just as we board our jet in Ross City. It comes earlier than we thought it would.
Denver has fallen to the Colonies.
“DAY. WE’RE HERE.”
I open my eyes groggily to the gentle sound of Tess’s voice. She smiles down at me. There’s pressure on my head, and when I reach up to touch my hair, I realize that bandages are wrapped around my forehead. My cut hand is also now covered in clean white linen. It takes me another second to notice that I’m sitting in a wheelchair.
“Oh, come on,” I immediately blurt out. “A goddy wheelchair?” My head feels foggy and light, the familiar sensation of coming off a dose of painkillers. “Where are we? What happened to me?”
“You’ll probably need to stop at a hospital when we get off the train. They think all the commotion triggered a bad response in you.” Tess walks beside me as some soldier pushes me down the length of the train car. Up ahead, I see Pascao and the other Patriots getting off the train. “We’re in Los Angeles. We’re back home.”
“Where are Eden and Lucy?” I ask. “Do you know?”
“They’ve already settled into your temporary apartment in Ruby sector,” Tess replies. She’s quiet for a second. “Guess a gem sector’s your home now.”
Home. I fall silent as we exit the train and stream out onto the platform with the other soldiers. Los Angeles feels as warm as ever, a typical hazy day in late fall, and the yellowish light makes me squint. The wheelchair feels so foreign and annoying. I have a sudden urge to bolt out of it and kick it onto the tracks. I am a Runner—I’m not supposed to be stuck in this cracked thing. Another bad response, this time triggered by commotion? I grit my teeth at how weak I’ve become. The doctor’s last prognosis haunts me. A month, maybe two. The frequency of severe headaches has definitely been increasing.
The soldiers help me into a jeep. Before we leave, Tess reaches through my open car window and gives me a quick hug. The sudden warmth from her startles me. All I can do is hug her back, savoring the brief moment. We stare at each other until the jeep finally pulls away from the station and Tess’s figure disappears around a bend. Even then, I keep turning around in my seat to see if I can spot her.