I process his words. I didn’t think he cared about me like that. In the back of my mind, I really believed that he endured my personality because of my status and my connection to the Calloways. I’ve tried to be okay with it.
Even after years, it seemed like I gave him more of myself than he ever gave me. He’s seen me at some brutal lows, and I’ve never seen him flinch. Except maybe right now. It’s like he took off some of his armor for me, just to say that he loves me.
It’s honesty that I needed. I feel like I can breathe more easily, knowing from Connor, not from Rose, that our friendship is real.
I meet his eyes. “Most people can’t stand me, you know.”
He laughs into a million-dollar grin. “And most people can’t take all of me. I’ve realized that the people who can are the ones I love deeply.”
“Is this all of you?” I ask him.
He nods. “Yes. Mostly.”
“Mostly?”
“I can’t always express myself the way that you want to see…” he trails off.
Anger, I realize. He won’t let me see his. Not to the degree that it can reach. “Okay,” I say. “Okay.” I exhale a strained breath and then freeze as a thought hits me cold. “You mentioned my dad…does he know?” I frown, my brows pinching.
“I’ve been fighting with Jonathan because he thinks I’m toying with your emotions. He found out that I’ve slept with a guy before. Years ago, no one you would know. Just a friend of a friend…” Connor trails off, loosening his tie.
I’m sure my dad thinks Connor is coming onto me or something stupid. It’s not like that. But after the video in Mexico where we kissed… “Shit.” I pinch the bridge of my nose.
“He’s just protecting you,” Connor says. “And his way of doing that is by telling me to put a considerable amount of distance between us. With the threat of or else. I’m not frightened by his open-ended warning, just annoyed that it exists at all.”
My hand falls to my side. “I’ll talk to my dad—”
“No,” Connor forces the word.
“My dad loves me,” I retort. “I can help.”
“You’ll make it worse,” he says. “If you go to your father and tell him to stop threatening me, he’s going to think that I manipulated you to say it. Think about this, Lo. I could have brought you in this library, told you that I care so deeply for you, just so you can turn around and get him to do what I want. That’s not what this has been about today. Just forget it and let me handle it.”
I blow out a strained breath, my last one. “Okay.” I’m basically throwing up my hands, but I know he’s right. I can’t do anything to help him fix this mess. “Is our friendship really worth it to you?” I ask. It seems like there’s not a lot of positives in it for him.
He doesn’t even hesitate. “Yes.” He adds, “I’ve never met a problem that I can’t solve. Your worry is better placed on Lily.”
I nod. He’s right about that too. “Can you promise me one thing?”
“What?” he asks.
“Next time, tell me if one of my jokes sucks ass.” I smile. “Like really blows.”
His lips pull in another grin. “Always, darling.”
43
LILY CALLOWAY
While Lo talks to Connor, I stay seated in the parlor, nodding every time my sisters start a new topic, but my mind has transported to bad places. I daydream about birthday sex that I won’t be having. I picture icing, body parts, hard things, and intense dry humping.
Oh wait, dry humping is allowed. I perk up at the thought. I wonder if Lo will consider it.
A baby cries, slicing through my trance. And guilt seeps into my veins like liquid ice. Becoming a mom hasn’t changed my personality or made me less compulsive. I still have a filthy mind. And now I despise these thoughts more.
I’m sitting here, in the company of my sisters and their significant others, thinking about c**k and cake frosting. To top it off, my baby is in sight. I’m about to stand when I notice my mom rocking Jane in her arms and shushing her. Moffy sits idly in his bouncer between Jonathan and my dad. He giggles as my father makes a goofy face at him.
Jane is clearly the one wailing, and Rose is already on her feet, strutting across the parlor and through the archway before anyone says a word.
I try to un-roast from my red flush of shame. It’s the worst shade.
“You okay, Lily?” Ryke asks with a dark frown. Daisy has fallen asleep on his lap, which should make me happier, in a sense. That night in the teepee, she admitted to only sleeping a couple hours total. I’m staring at a good thing, my little sister getting some shuteye, but I’m feeling something different. “Lily?” Ryke asks again, his voice quiet.
Poppy and Sam now focus on me too.
I clear my throat. “Mmhmm.” I can’t even form actual words. I went from being handed business cards for nannies to being plagued with sexual thoughts. I should be concerned about Moffy. And I hate when sex overtakes that. It’s not right. It’s gross.
Ryke presses a hand over Daisy’s ear, really gently so she doesn’t wake up or hear him speak. “Try again.”
He’s very pushy. This is known. “Nannies aren’t bad, right?” I ask, the business cards between my fingers. “I mean, we all had them. And normal people have them too. For working moms and dads…”
The heat of Ryke’s gaze shrinks me into the couch. I seek comfort in other places. Like Poppy.
“We had a nanny once, when Maria was little,” Poppy says. “But you shouldn’t hire one just because you feel obligated to do it.” She tenderly collects the business cards out of my hand. “How about I hold onto these for you?”
It’s like a bunch of bees just stung my esophagus, swelling it closed. I nod unsurely.
Ryke sets the plate of half-eaten chocolate cake on the coffee table so it doesn’t fall off Daisy’s thigh. “Look, if you ever feel overwhelmed, you have Daisy and me. We’re always around.”
Overwhelmed? Pressure compounds on my chest. I’m not a selfish monster. I care about Moffy more than sex. I do. I do.
“Lily,” Ryke says my name again, so forceful that Daisy’s eyes snap open in fright. “Fuck.”
I’m scratching my arm, I realize. I retract my hand, jailing it between my knees. What is wrong with me? I watch Daisy sit up straighter on Ryke, her skin pale. She looks like she’s going to puke. The guilt creeps even further inside of me.
I think I just inadvertently caused my sister a minor panic attack.
Ryke adjusts her in his arms, concern washing over his features.
“I’m okay,” she says in a deep inhale, able to breathe fully.
Ryke hardly relaxes.
“I’m sorry,” I apologize.
Daisy shakes her head at me like no, don’t be. It’s my fault though. Everything. My sex addiction going public did this to her. The fear. The ridicule. I can’t ever forgive myself for that.
Anxieties continue to pile on me. I need to shut my thoughts down, but my head is all messed up. I wish it would go back to normal. I peek over my shoulder, hoping Lo will appear. I can’t rely on him, no matter how much I want to.
Poppy scoots on the couch and swings her arm around my shoulder. I feel so much worse. She should be comforting Daisy. Not me. But Poppy gives me a sisterly squeeze. “When I had Maria, I felt panicked a lot. Thinking I was doing something wrong. It’s normal.”