“Wha…” My pulse speeds again, and Lo raises his brows at me. This was his big idea? I’m now way more panicked.
“You won’t hurt her,” Connor says, suddenly about to rest Jane in my arms.
“No, wait,” I say quickly. He stops midway to listen to my alarm. “What if I drop her? Or I choke her? What if she cries? Rose won’t like it.”
Connor’s lips lift in a smile, amused. This isn’t amusing. This is some scary stuff. “You won’t drop her. You won’t choke her. And if she cries, just rock her. I’m right here, Lily.”
“And Rose?”
“Loves you,” Connor finishes. “And she would be more than happy to ease your fears about doing this with Maximoff. You’ll be great.” Before I can protest, Jane is in my arms.
She’s so tiny. Her little fingers wiggling and waggling as she sucks on the bottle. She barely makes a peep as Connor steps back from me.
It’s not as terrifying as I thought. I breathe out, expelling some nerves.
I tilt the bottle and let Jane drink the contents.
Rose and I discussed breastfeeding some time ago, and to no one’s surprise, she was adamant about using formula. She’s not a maternal, touchy-feely person, so it makes sense that she wouldn’t find joy in breastfeeding like other women do. For other reasons, I’d prefer formula too, even if breastfeeding has health benefits.
But I worry about the ridicule and backlash if the public finds out. I can see the headlines: Lily Calloway chooses formula over breastfeeding. She cares more about herself than her child.
Rose told me that I shouldn’t be shamed for my choices—no woman should. But the pressure is already there, no matter where or who it comes from.
Jane finishes off the bottle, and she squirms a little in my arms.
“Put her against your chest and gently pat her back,” Connor instructs.
With a nervous pit building in my stomach, I listen to his directions and press Jane to my chest. I give her a couple pats and rub her back too. She burps a bit, and then she begins to relax. I blow out a tense breath. That wasn’t so bad. I cradle her, watching Jane tiredly close her eyes. And I feel my lips rise in a smile. She drifts back to a temperate sleep.
A minute later, Connor collects his daughter from my arms and delicately places her back in her white crib.
We all drift into the lit hallway, careful not to make too much noise.
Lo kisses my cheek. “How do you feel?”
“Better.” Though Jane could very well be one of those genius babies that are easy to handle.
“I’ll see you both in the morning,” Connor says before he departs to his bedroom down the hall. Lo brings me to our room, and his hand falls to the small of my back.
“About that Hogwarts trip,” I start.
His hand freezes on the doorknob. “Lil…” His voice is more serious. “You know it’s not—”
I almost pounce on him to cover his mouth with my palm. “Don’t say it’s not real.” It’s just as bad as saying fairies aren’t real. One of them will die as a result. We have to keep the faith.
He patiently waits for me while my hand is pressed against his pink lips, but his amber eyes glimmer like I’m really beautiful in this moment.
“Hogwarts is real,” I say. “You know, we can go to Universal Studios and visit Diagon Alley.” Sometimes we even head over to the UK to visit the castle where the movies were filmed.
Realization crosses his face, and I drop my hand. “Right. Of course, love.”
“Well,” I continue on, “I want to wait for Maximoff. When he’s a little older. Maybe three or four. We could take a trip together.”
Lightness bursts in his eyes, something that lifts me ten feet in the air. I am soaring inside. “He can’t be sorted until he’s eleven,” Lo reminds me.
“Okay,” I nod, knowing that’s the rules. I’m a proud Hufflepuff. Lo is a bitter Slytherin. And together I kind of wonder what our child will be.
“Then it’s a plan,” Lo says, and I glow at his words. Maybe we shouldn’t be making them so far ahead. Anything could happen. The worst could strike us cold.
But I choose to see the better future.
The one I want.
And if it doesn’t come to pass…
I’ll deal with it then.
“It worked,” Lo tells me, his eyes flitting over my features. He turns the knob of our door and walks backwards, into the dimly lit room.
“What?” I follow him like our bodies are connected, like a short rope is hooked from my waist to his. I will wander with Loren Hale through every moment, good and bad.
Very softly, he says, “You believe in yourself again.”
Yes. I smile. I think I do.
31
LOREN HALE
“Lo,” Lily cries out while I thrust inside of her from behind. On our sides, I have her leg pulled over my waist. She clenches the red sheets, her mouth open as she trembles into these blinding sensations.
My c**k throbs. Badly. Dying for a release, to thrust hard and come inside of her. My whole body is coated in sweat. And my nerves light on fire as I keep this deep rhythm. Jesus.
“Harder,” she whimpers, her feet arching.
I can’t go harder than this. Even if I want to just as much as her. She’s thin, gangly and carrying our child. I feel like if I’m any rougher than my pace now, I’ll break her in two. The closer she is to her due date, I also worry about inducing labor.
Block it out.
I just want to f**k my girlfriend. I push deeper, which causes her whole body to quake. And I hold this position, pulling her leg higher. My eyes almost roll back.
“Lo, Lo, Lo!” She reaches out for me, but since I’m behind her, she can only claw at the sheets. She moans into the mattress, and I let out a ragged noise.
I make the most of my cl**ax, staying inside as she pulses around my cock. About a couple minutes later, I pull out and kiss her on the lips. She’s smiling as she rolls onto her back, but her eyes are starting to flutter closed.
I prop an elbow on the pillow, staring down at her. “That good?” I say, drawing circles on her belly.
“Mmmhhmm.”
I feign surprise. “She can’t even talk.” It’s rare that morning sex will put Lily back to sleep, and I suspect it’s because we went at it all night. We’re making up for the six weeks where we can’t do anything. I enjoy it as much as Lil.
Others in the house don’t. Rose heard us from down the hall last night and actually texted me to “put my dick away” and check in with Lily’s therapist.
She may be worried that I’m pushing Lily to a bad place, but I’m not. I can tell when she’s compulsive, and I don’t feed into that. I shut it down when it happens. I do understand Rose’s concern though. She can’t know what I do with Lily in bed, so she just speculates.
“Mmm…” Lily says again, her eyes closing entirely.
I smile, watching her enter a peaceful sleep. I sit up and grab my phone off the night stand, checking my email really quickly. I scan through them and stop on something Lil sent me from 5 p.m. yesterday, before we had sex.
The subject line: Don’t be mad! But you need to see this.
My smile fades. I glance at her, her chest rising and falling, and I lift the sheet and comforter up to her collarbones. She barely stirs.
And then I click in to see a picture of me and Lil from Hale Co.’s fourth of July party. Lily is passing me her corndog with a big goofy smile. It’s one of the cutest pictures I’ve ever seen, and I look infatuated by her.