Mase started coming toward me again, and I screamed at the top of my lungs. “Jesus, Reese! What’s wrong?” He was yelling now, too.
I leveled my gaze on him. “You. You are wrong. You’re wrong for me. I don’t want you here. I want you to leave me alone. You’ve forced me to do things I didn’t want to do. You’ve touched me in places I don’t like to be touched. I don’t want to see you again. Ever. Just go!”
Saying those words hurt. They were a lie. He would know they were a lie, but I was desperate. He wasn’t leaving. He wasn’t listening.
When I saw him turn and walk back away, I almost collapsed. He was going to leave me.
The realization that Mase was going to walk out that door and not come back destroyed whatever part of me was left.
I should never have loved. I wasn’t meant to love or be loved. This was a lesson I should have learned by now.
I wanted the numbness to spread, but it was fading. Loss engulfed me.
If only I’d never known how it felt to believe I was special to someone else.
Mase reappeared, and he was holding his duffel in his hand. He walked toward the door without looking at me but stopped just before he got there. His eyes closed tightly, and he let out an unsteady breath. “I’m sorry,” was all he said.
Then he walked to the door and opened it. With one more long pause, he stood there. I waited for him to walk away and leave me here alone. Again.
“When you realize what you’ve said and what you’ve done, call me. I’ll be waiting. I want to hold you more than anything right now and help you get through this, but you won’t let me near you. So I’m going to do what you want, because I can’t fix everything for you. This time, you have to do it yourself. But when it sinks in that you were wrong, call me, Reese. I’ll be waiting. I’ll wait forever if I have to.”
Then Mase Manning walked out of my door and out of my life.
Mase
When the door had closed behind me, I dropped my bag and bent over, bracing my hands on my knees to suck in air. Reminding myself that she had to work through this was hard. Leaving her . . . Oh, God, I couldn’t just fucking leave her. She was in a goddamn corner looking completely destroyed, and I didn’t know why.
Each breath hurt. The tightness in my chest was like a vise grip on my lungs. My heart was in that apartment. Walking away without it seemed impossible. But if I was going to get a chance at a future with Reese, she had to let me in. The past haunted her. It was controlling her. That motherfucking low-life scum had done this to her. I’d thought I could hold her through it all and give her so much love she’d overcome it. But those demons were there in her eyes.
All I was doing was helping her pretend they weren’t there. I wasn’t helping her destroy them and overcome them. My love wasn’t enough. I wanted it to be. God, I wanted it to be enough. But she needed to find the strength inside herself.
When she did, she could accept that I loved her. That I adored her. That I wanted her and all the shit in her past. I wanted everything.
Standing up, I winced at the pain.
I didn’t walk to my truck. Instead, I went to Jimmy’s apartment. I couldn’t leave her without knowing someone was watching over her. When she needed me to rescue her, someone had to call me. I knew she never would.
She might not want me, but I’d be damned if I’d let her need me.
Knocking on Jimmy’s door, I tried to take a deep breath. But I couldn’t.
The door swung open, and his smile immediately turned into a frown. “Mase?”
He had been expecting someone else. I didn’t really want to think about that, considering he was wearing a pair of red silk pajama pants and his chest was bare and oiled.
“She wants me to leave. No, she ordered me to leave,” I corrected myself. “But I need you to call me if she needs anything. Don’t let her suffer. She may think she doesn’t want me, but I’ll drop anything to get to her.”
Jimmy sagged against the door. He looked let-down. “Well, shit. What is in that girl’s head? She’s crazy about you.”
It was her past. Those fucking demons in her memory. But I couldn’t tell him that.
“She needs me, you call me. I’ll be here.”
He nodded.
I gripped the handle of my bag and fought back the emotion. This was it. I was really leaving her. “Watch over her. Make sure she’s safe and locked in at night. Don’t let her walk to work. Don’t let her walk home, either. Keep her safe for me. Please.” I was begging him. But at this point, I’d beg anyone.
Tears filled his eyes. “Shit. That girl,” he shook his head. “She’s got something in her past she’s hiding, but it’s dark. I’ve seen it in her eyes. She’ll call you. She loves you.”
I hoped to God he was right. “When I’m gone, she’ll need someone. Be that someone.”
He wiped at his tears, then nodded. “I will.”
“Thanks.”
I headed back to the stairs and my truck.
I tossed my bag onto the backseat but paused before I got inside. I couldn’t leave without telling her.
I stalked back to her door with a purpose and knocked. She didn’t come, but I waited.
“Reese. I know you hear me,” I said through the door.
I knocked again, but she didn’t answer.
“I’m leaving. You want me to go, so I’ll go. But know that I love you. I will love you the rest of my life. If you don’t call me, I will still be there in Texas loving you.”
I waited, but she never came to the door.
After several minutes, I knew she wasn’t coming. She was going to let me do this.
Unable to stop myself, I banged on the door with my fist one more time and yelled as loudly as I could, “I love you, Reese Ellis! I love you so fucking much!”
I heard a door open next door, but I didn’t look at whoever it was. I waited outside her door, hoping she’d open it.
But she didn’t.
Reese
Nine weeks later
I opened my door to find Jimmy on the other side. He had a cappuccino in each hand. Once that was a comforting sight. Nothing comforted me anymore. The nightmares from my past were back with a vengeance. I rarely slept anymore. Cappuccino in the morning and coffee in a mug in the afternoon were the only way I made it through work every day.
“Ready, sunshine?” he asked.
I nodded and grabbed my backpack. “Yeah,” I replied, taking the cup he offered me.