Rafael shrugged, then turned back to me. "Let's pick a different topic, because we are only minutes away from the lupanar, and I saw Micah's beast-- his energy--pass through you, and your beast responded."
"You saw it?" I asked.
He nodded. "His energy is very blue, and yours is very red, and they mingled."
"So you got what, purple?" I said.
Micah hugged me a little tighter, a warning I think not to be flippant, but Rafael was more direct. "No jokes, Anita, if I saw it, so will Richard."
"He's my Nimir-Raj," I said.
"You don't understand, Anita. Micah said he thought birthmarks in the shape of your beast was legend. Well, until just now, I believed talk of a perfect mate was legend. Like true fated love, just a romantic story." Rafael's already serious face got even more solemn. "You recognize some bond from the beginning, so the stories go, but it's only after you have sex for the first time that your beasts can roll through each other's bodies. Only physical intimacy will allow such metaphysical intimacy."
I glanced down from those hard, demanding eyes, but finally made myself look back up. "What are you asking, Rafael?"
"Not really asking, telling. Telling you that I know you had sex with Micah, and that, even though Richard has dumped you and publicly declared that you and he are no longer a couple, he won't like it."
That was an understatement. I pulled away from Micah, and he let me go, no lingering touches. I moved away, and he allowed it. It earned him brownie points. "Richard dumped me, Rafael, not the other way around. He doesn't have any right to bitch about what I do."
"If he dumped her, then she's free to do what she wants," Reece said. "The Ulfric has only himself to blame."
"Logically, you're right, but when has logic dictated how a man acts when he sees the love of his life in someone else's arms?" The bitter way Rafael said it made me look at him, study his face. He sounded like he was speaking from experience.
"As Ulfric to my Nimir-Ra, he has no authority over me."
"Tonight is going to be dangerous enough, Anita. You don't need to make Richard angry."
"I don't want to make things worse. God knows they're bad enough as they are."
"You're angry with him for dumping you," Rafael said.
I started to say no, then realized he might be right. "Maybe."
"You want to hurt him."
I started to say no, then stopped and tried to think--really think--about how I felt. I was angry and hurt that he could just cast me aside. Okay, it hadn't been that simple, but still ... "Yeah, I'm hurt, and maybe a part of me wants to punish Richard for that, but it's not just him dumping me. It's the mess he's made of the pack. He's endangered people I care about, and he's doing his usual Boy Scout shit that doesn't even work well in the human world, let alone with a bunch of werewolves. I'm tired, Rafael, I'm tired of it, and him."
"It sounds like you might have dumped him if he hadn't beat you to it."
"I came back to make it work. To see if we could make some sense of it all. But he has to give up that moral code of his that has never worked for him or anyone around him."
"To give up his moral code is to give up being who he is."
I nodded. "I know." And just saying that made me feel worse. "He can't change, and staying who he is is going to get him killed."
"And maybe you and Jean-Claude with him," Rafael said.
"Does everyone know that part?"
"It's standard that if you kill a vampire's human servant, the vampire may not survive the death. And if you kill a vampire, their human servants either die or go crazy. Logic dictates that killing either of you endangers the other."
I still didn't like that everyone knew that to kill one of us might kill all of us. Made it too damn easy for assassins. "What do you want me to say, Rafael? That Richard and I have a fundamental difference of philosophy in nearly every important area? There's more than one reason we didn't get married and live happily ever after. That maybe he's going to have to choose between survival or his morals? That I'm afraid he'd almost rather die than compromise those morals? Yeah, I'm afraid. It's going to kill a little piece of him to see me with Micah. I'd spare him if I could, but I didn't choose any of this."
"You take no blame in this," Rafael said.
I sighed. "If I hadn't left for six months maybe I could have talked him out of the democracy with his pack. Maybe if I'd been here a lot of things would be different, but I wasn't here, and I can't change that. All I can do is try fix what got broke."
"You think you can fix this, all of it?" Rafael asked.
I shrugged. "Ask me again after I've met Jacob and seen how Richard deals as Ulfric with all of them. I need a feel for the dynamics before I say if it's fixable."
"How would you fix it?" Micah asked.
I glanced back at him. "If Jacob and a few others are the problem, then it's fixable."
"Killing the ones who stand against Richard won't fix things, Anita," Rafael said. "The experiment in democracy must end. Richard must begin being harsher to those who would stand against him. He must be frightening to them, or there will be another Jacob, and another after that."
I nodded. "You're preaching to the choir here, Rafael."
"If you are not his girlfriend, or his lover, then I fear that your influence over Richard will be slight."
"I'm not sure I had a lot of influence over him when we were dating."
"If you cannot talk sense into him, then eventually Richard will die and someone else, probably Jacob, will take over the pack. The first thing any good conqueror does is kill those closest and most loyal to the executed leader."
"You think Jacob is that practical?" I asked.
"Yes," Rafael said.
"What do you want me to do?"
"I want you to hide the fact that you and Micah are lovers."
I glanced behind me at Micah. He shrugged, face peaceful. "I told you I wanted you on any terms that you wished, Anita. What do I have to do to convince you I meant that?"
I searched his face, tried to find something false in it, and couldn't. Maybe he was that good a liar. Maybe I was just being too suspicious. "When we were with the leopards, just the leopards, I was completely comfortable with you. It felt right and ... why doesn't it feel that way now?"
"You're having second thoughts," Reece said.
"No," Rafael said. He looked at Micah, and the two of them had major eye contact.
The staring contest went on so long that I had to interrupt. "One of you better start talking," I said.
Rafael inclined his head at Micah, as if to say, go ahead. I turned to Micah. "Alright," he said, and he seemed to be choosing his words carefully. I was almost positive I wasn't going to like this conversation. "Every pard, every group of shifters that is healthy has a group mind."
"You mean a group identity?" I asked.
"Not exactly. It's more ..." He frowned. "It's more like a coven that's worked magic together for a while. They begin to be parts of a whole when it comes to working magic or healing. Together they form more than they form separately."
"Okay, but what's that have to do with why I felt more comfortable when it was just us leopards?"
"If you feel differently when the leopards are around you, then we're forming a group mind. It usually takes months to forge that kind of bond between shifters. Maybe it's just a bond with your own leopards. The change coming on could have set it in motion."
"But you think it's more than that, don't you?"
He nodded. "I think you're forming a group mind with my pard, that in effect, the decision to join our pards into one unit has already been made."
"I haven't decided anything."
"Haven't you?" he asked. He looked so reasonable sitting there, hands clasped in front of him, leaning a little towards me. So earnest.
"Look, the sex was great. But I'm not ready to pick out china patterns here, you do understand that?" There was a feeling very close to panic in the pit of my stomach.
"Sometimes your beast picks for you," Rafael said.
I looked at him. "What does that mean?"
"If you are already a part of a group mind with his pard, then your beast has chosen for you, Anita. It's more intimate than being his lover, because it's not just him that you have a commitment to."