I slipped my arm through his, squeezed his arm. "Don't let anybody make you feel like that, Jason. You're not a freak."
He patted my hand. "Look who's talking."
I pulled away from him. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing, I'm sorry I said it."
"No, I want you to explain it."
He sighed and hurried down the steps, but I was in Nikes and could keep up. Nathaniel followed a few steps behind without saying a word. "Explain it, Jason."
"You hate the monsters. You hate being different."
"That's not true."
"You accept that you're different, but you don't like it."
I opened my mouth to argue with him, but had to stop myself, had to think. Was he right? Was he? Did I hate being different? Did I hate the monsters because they were different? "Maybe you're right."
He looked back at me, eyes wide. "Anita Blake admitting she may be wrong? Gasp!"
I tried to frown at him, but I could feel it held an edge of smile that ruined the effect. "I better get used to being one of the monsters, or so I hear."
His eyes went serious. "Are you really going to be a wereleopard?"
'We'll find out, won't we."
"You okay with it?"
It was my turn to laugh, but it sounded bitter. "No. No I'm not okay with it, but the damage is done. I can't change it."
"Fatalism," he said.
"Practicality," I said.
"Same thing," he said.
"No, it isn't."
Jason looked past me at Nathaniel who treaded softly a few steps behind me. "How do you feel about her being a wereleopard?"
"I think I'll keep my feelings to myself."
"You're happy about it, aren't you?" And there was an edge of hostility in his voice.
"No, I'm not."
"You get to keep her as your Nimir-Ra now."
"Maybe."
"Doesn't that make you happy?"
"Stop it, Jason. Richard's told me his little theory about Gregory marking me on purpose."
"You talked to Richard?" He made it a question.
"Unfortunately."
"You know what's happened, then?"
"About you guys taking Gregory, yeah. I talked to Jacob on the phone even."
Jason looked surprised. "What did you say to him?"
"Gregory dies, Jacob dies."
"Jacob wants to be Ulfric."
"We discussed that, too," I said.
"What did he say?"
"He won't challenge Richard until after the full moon this month. You better give Sylvie a heads up, because that means Jacob has to defeat her within the next two weeks."
"Why is he waiting for the full moon?"
"Because I told him I'd kill him if he didn't."
"You can't undercut Richard's authority like that."
"I don't need to, Jason, he's doing such a good job all on his own."
We were at the bottom of the stairs, the heavy door hanging open where Jean-Claude had rushed through. "Richard is my Ulfric."
"I'm not asking you to bad-mouth him, Jason. He's destroyed his power structure within the pack. It's not something to debate, it's just the truth."
Jason stopped me at the door. "Maybe if you had been here, you could have talked him out of it."
I was finally angry. "One, you have no right to question what I do, or don't do. Two, Richard is a big boy and makes his own decisions. Three, don't you ever, ever question me again."
"You're not my lupa anymore, Anita."
Anger flared through me like a scalding wave, tightening my shoulders, my arms, spilling into my hands. I'd never felt rage so quickly and so completely. I had to close my eyes to concentrate, so I wouldn't take a swing at him. What was wrong with me?
I felt Nathaniel at my back. "Are you alright?" he said.
I shook my head. "I don't think so."
"Look," Jason said, "I'm sorry, but I don't want Jacob in charge of the pack--I don't trust him. Richard may be a bleeding-heart, flag-waving right-winger, but he's also fair, and he really does try to put the best interests of the pack before his own. I don't want to lose that."
I looked at him, trying to swallow past the anger. My voice came out squeezed tight. "You're scared about what will happen to all of you if Jacob takes over."
He nodded. "Yes."
"Me, too," I said.
He looked into my face, studied it. "If Jacob kills Richard in a fair fight, what will you do?"
"Richard isn't my boyfriend anymore, and I'm not lupa. If it's a fair challenge fight, then I can't interfere. I told Jacob if the fight was fair, and after the full moon, I wouldn't take revenge on him."
"You won't avenge Richard's death?"
"If I kill Jacob, and Richard and Sylvie are already dead, who'll take over? I've seen what happens to a group of shapeshifters who don't have an alpha to lead them. I won't let what happened to the leopards happen to the wolves."
"If Jacob died before he fought Sylvie, then you wouldn't have to worry about it," Jason said.
The anger that had been leaking away made a comeback. "You can't have it both ways, Jason. Either I'm not your lupa--not dominant to you--and thus can't help you fix this, or I am still your lupa, still dominant to you, still someone you come to for this kind of help. Make up your mind which you want me to be before you get up in my face again."
"You can't be lupa, the pack voted you out. But you're right, it's not your fault. You had to try and fix yourself before you could fix anyone else. I'm sorry I got in your face."
"Apology accepted," I said. I started to go around him through the door, but he caught my arm.
"I didn't ask you to kill Jacob because you were my lupa, or dominant to me. I asked you because I know you've already thought of it. I asked you because I know if you think it's best for the pack, you'll do it."
"Pack business is no longer my concern, so everyone keeps telling me."
"They don't know you like I do," he said.
I pulled away from him, gently. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means that once you've given your friendship--your protection--to someone, you take care of them, even if they don't want you to."
"If I kill Jacob, Richard will never forgive me."
"He dumped you, right? What have you got to lose by killing Jacob? Nothing. But if you don't kill him, then you lose Sylvie and Richard."
I pushed past him. "I am getting really tired of doing everyone's dirty work."
"No one is better at dirty work than you are, Anita."
That stopped me, made me turn back around to face him. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It doesn't mean anything. It's just the truth." I stared into his so-solemn eyes. I would have liked to argue, but I really couldn't.
I'd thought I couldn't feel worse about myself tonight. I'd been wrong Watching the look in Jason's eyes, hearing him talk about me like that, made me feel worse. This night just couldn't get any more depressing.
Chapter 14
DAWN WAS MINUTES away when Jean-Claude came through the door in a robe. "You may have the bed, ma petite, and I will take my coffin. I think your nerves are raw enough without me dying in your arms as the sun rises."
I'd have liked to argue, because I wanted him to hold me in the worst way, but he was right. I'd had enough shocks for one night. "Nathaniel will stay with me," I said.
A look passed over Jean-Claude's face. "And Jason, as well."
"Why?"
"I do not have the time to explain, ma petite, but please trust me that Jason should be here, too. It is for the best."
I could feel dawn trembling close, even so deep underground. "Okay, Jason can stay, too."
Jean-Claude was already edging out the door. "I will tell him on my way to the coffin room. I am sorry to leave you like this, ma petite"
"Go, it's almost dawn," I said.
He blew me a kiss then was gone, leaving the door slightly ajar. Nathaniel was sitting on the corner of the bed, neutral in face, eyes, even body language. He was very good at seeming nonthreatening, soothing almost.
I'd been sleeping off and on for almost four days, yet I was tired, unbelievably tired. I wasn't sure it was physical, more like I'd overused my mind, my emotions. I was wrung out. "Let's get some sleep."