Dougal frowned. "Gregori told me it was verra bad."
Toni's heart stilled. "Why? What happened?"
Dougal shrugged. "Gregori wouldna give details. But they're showing the interview tonight on the telly."
She would have to see it. Hopefully, it would air before it was time to meet Carlos. But poor Ian. Was he hiding in his room out of embarrassment? "You know, this whole dating thing has snowballed completely out of control. The women came back about two hours ago. There are about twenty of them camped out on the front sidewalk."
"Twenty babes? Are they hot?" Phineas rushed from the kitchen.
Toni ran after him and found him turning off the alarm. "Phineas, don't! They're rowdy enough already. Whenever I look out the window, they start screaming."
"Cool." Phineas yanked open the door and was instantly rewarded with squeals. "Ladies." He held up his hands. "Let me introduce myself. I'm Dr. Phang, the love doctor."
"We want Ian!" They pressed forward, knocking over empty beer bottles.
"Careful," Toni warned Phineas.
"Ladies, you have come to the right place. I'm a personal friend of Ian's--"
"Ask him if he wants some of this!" One of the girls let out a long squeal while she lifted her T- shirt to flash her boobs like a girl gone wild.
"That's a good start," Phineas said. "Anyone else?"
"Stop it." Toni slammed the door shut and glared at Phineas. "You should be ashamed of yourself."
He grinned.
Dougal's mouth twitched as he reset the alarm. "Come on, Dr. Phang. We need to go to Romatech."
"But the interview is starting in five minutes." Phineas dashed into the living room and located the remote control. "Don't you guys want to see it?"
"I do." Toni settled on the maroon couch that faced the widescreen TV.
"I'm going to work." Dougal gave Phineas a warning look. "I'll expect ye there in fifteen minutes."
"Okay, okay," Phineas agreed impatiently. "But admit it, bro, you're going to be watching it at Romatech."
Dougal smiled. "Perhaps." He vanished.
Phineas sprawled on the couch next to Toni and turned on the TV. "See that dude? He's Stone Cauffyn. Does the Nightly News."
Toni listened to the Vamp newscaster drone on in a boring voice. Suddenly her cell phone went off.
"Love is a battlefield?" Phineas snorted. "Man, that's wack. Love is a many-splendored thing, especially when you're with Dr. Phang."
"I'll keep that in mind." Toni rushed into the foyer to answer the phone. "Carlos?" She glanced at the surveillance camera. "This is not a good time."
"We need to go to Shady Oaks. Get your pretty ass home, girl, so we can go."
"I--" Toni glanced at the television in the next room. "I need to stay here about fifteen more minutes."
"Why? Aren't you off duty when the sun sets?"
"Yes, but..." She groaned inwardly. It was happening again. She was getting pulled in two different directions.
"Okay, I'll pick you up on the way. And before you object, I know exactly where you are, menina. I Googled Ian the other night and found his profile and address. I'll be there in twenty minutes." Carlos hung up.
"Toni, it's starting," Phineas yelled.
She rushed back to the couch. The TV screen was filled with large words in a flowing script-- Live with the Undead, starring Corky Courrant.
"Good evening, friends!" A close-up revealed a face with heavily lined eyes and collagen- enhanced lips. "This is Corky Courrant, reporting from the Horny Devils nightclub in New York City."
The camera pulled back, and Toni recognized the nightclub she'd seen the night before. Corky was sitting at a table next to a somber-looking Ian.
"Shit, look at the tits on her," Phineas murmured.
"Tonight we're talking to Ian MacPhie, who has recently posted a very popular profile on the online dating service Single in the City." Corky inclined her head toward Ian. "We're delighted to have you on the show, Ian."
"My pleasure," Ian said.
"This ain't so bad," Phineas observed.
"Looks fine to me," Toni agreed. More than fine. Ian looked gorgeous with his blue eyes and wavy black hair. His green sweater clung to broad shoulders and a firm chest.
"My friends, this is a special night." Corky's smile faded, and she affected a dreamy look. "Every now and then, in the annals of vampire history, there arises a man who stands out among all others. He is the legendary hero who inspires great music and poetry, that perfect man who inhabits the secret fantasies of all vampire women."
Ian shifted in his seat, his face blushing.
"He is the man we all yearn for." Corky glanced at Ian. "And this is not his story."
Toni gasped. Ian's face paled.
Corky's eyes gleamed with wicked delight. "No, tonight we have the pathetic story of a lonely, desperate man, so desperate he tries to sell himself online. No, wait, he's so pathetic he has a friend sell him online."
"What are you doing?" Vanda marched into view.
"Ah, here is the friend--Vanda Barkowski. Tell me, is it true Ian's too illiterate to write his own profile?"
"He's not--" Vanda began.
"Did you write it or not?" Corky snarled.
"I helped," Vanda admitted, "but he's not illit--"
"I had to wonder what would drive a man to such desperate measures," Corky continued with a smile. "So, before this show, I interviewed two women who are very well acquainted with Ian MacPhie. Here they are..."
The screen changed to the blonde bartender.
"You are Cora Lee Primrose, former member of Roman Draganesti's harem?" Corky asked.
"Yes." Cora Lee smiled shyly. "Ian was one of our guards. He was always such a sweet boy."
"Boy?" Corky asked. "He looks thirty in his photo."
"That's because he ate something that made him grow older," Cora Lee explained. "For centuries, he looked like a fifteen-year-old boy."
"That's amazing. What else can you tell us about Ian?"
"Well." Cora Lee chewed on her bottom lip. "He told me why he wanted to look older. He just wants to get laid."
The scene switched back to Corky and Ian, who was frowning.
"That was a joke," he muttered.
Corky scoffed. "The next interview, please..."
The scene shifted to another blonde Vamp. Toni recognized her as Pamela, the woman from the restroom.
"I am Lady Pamela Smythe-Worthing, one of the owners of this establishment," she began. "And I have known Ian MacPhie since 1955 when he was assigned to guard those of us who were members of Roman Draganesti's harem."
"I heard he looked like a teenager," Corky said.
"Indeed," Pamela agreed. "He was much too young-looking to be of any interest to us. Personally, I believe Ian MacPhie is a five-hundred-year-old virgin."
"Amazing," Corky said. "So his profile is nothing more than a desperate ploy to finally pop the cherry?"
Pamela smiled. "Precisely."
The scene switched back to Corky and Ian.
Vanda planted her hands on the table and leaned toward Corky. "That's bullshit. Ian's looking for his true love."
"Can you confirm he's not a virgin?" Corky asked calmly. "Have you slept with him?"
"Of course not," Vanda growled.
Corky raised her voice. "Has anyone here slept with Ian MacPhie?"
The camera panned over a hundred faces, all shouting no, then returned to a smiling Corky. "I rest my case."
"You told me you would be nice," Vanda yelled.
Corky shrugged. "As a dedicated journalist, it's my duty to always report the truth."
"The truth?" Vanda shrieked. "The truth is you're a vicious, lying bitch!" She leaped across the table and seized Corky by the neck.
"Vanda, no!" Ian grabbed her, trying to pull her off Corky, who was getting shaken like a rag doll, although her huge br**sts remained remarkably still.
Corky's eyes bugged out as she gasped for air. "Cut!"
A commercial started for custom-made coffins. Toni and Phineas stared at the TV in silence. "Shit," Phineas finally whispered.