Break free. The alternative was unimaginable.
Two whiskies later, another wench with pouty lips caught his eye. For some reason, her expression said she liked what she saw.
Three whiskies after that and before he knew what had happened, he was entering a room upstairs with the raven-haired barmaid. He stumbled to close the door behind them, and, surprise - her pouty-lipped friend had decided to join them.
Just like old times. Ethan knew his grin was wicked. A mancouldn't change his nature.
Maddy sat on her widow's walk, hours ticking by as she waited for the coach. Silently crying, she watched the ferries bandying between the coasts for the last time.
MacCarrick hadn't returned.
What had she expected? Ethan on his knees begging for another chance? Or even politely seeing her on her journey? She angrily swiped at a tear.
She already missed him. Yes, he'd been horrid to her in the days, but those nights with him, filled with passion and pleasure and tenderness...she'd never felt closer to another person in her entire life.
Should I have fought for us more, given him more time?
She shook her head sadly. Maddy well knew that affection couldn't be forced. She couldn't make him miss her. She'd done everything she could think of to make him want her.
And yet still the regret came.Would I rather stay with him as we've been or live a life without him?
She swallowed. Maddy had drawn a line with the Scot, and perhaps she oughtn't to have.
Another tear streaked down her face. Especially since she'd gone and fallen completely in love with him.
Chapter Thirty-four
The barmaid tried to kiss his lips but Ethan turned away, instead kissing her neck. He brushed against that ribbon choker, just as he'd done with Maddy that first night in Paris - before he'd had any idea what she would grow to mean to him.
The woman didn't taste bad, but she tastedwrong . She smelled good, but it wasn'tright .
Imagine Madeleine's scent. Imagine the taste of her soft skin.
As the barmaid unbuttoned his shirt, her pouty-lipped friend kissed his chest. When the two had his shirt off, they took turns leisurely kissing down to his navel, and he knew what would follow. Madeleine had enjoyed taking him with her mouth, somehow making the act wanton and adoring at the same time.
One of the women began unfastening his belt.
"...taken so little to make me fall in love with you,"Madeleine had said. All she wanted was a faithful husband who treated her well - and she would fall in love with him.
In love. Withhim ?
If she loved him, then she would have to forgive him what he'd done to her in the past.
She wouldhave to. Because he hadn't known her then and had never intended to hurt her. But now...if he did this...
Shouldn't he at least attempt to make her love him before he gave up on everything? Hadn't he learned from her that you fought for something you wanted?
"Stop," he grated. But they didn't, instead attending to his trousers.
Let them...Here he could take a woman, two of them, and hewouldn't? What the bloody hell was wrong with him? He'd dreamed of this day, when he would finally be a man again. He'd vowed that he would glut himself. Madeleine should have given him what he'd wanted. And she sure as hell shouldn't have selfishly pressured him, harping on marriage. Ethan didn't respond well to pressure -
Madeleine would fall in love withhim .
Clarity hit him like a lightning strike.
Ah, God, it's Maddy. It's her.It wasonly her for him. It would always be.
"Stop!"Ethan roared, plucking their fingers away and shoving himself back. He stumbled, rocked to the core. Maddy was his future embodied, yet he was behaving like before, ten years ago when he'd thought he could have no future.Weak, drinking, accepting... when, at the same age, she'd been fighting tooth and nail for a better life. He could fight for her; hecould change, as profoundly as his brother had said.
But Ethan was about to do something so idiotic - so irrevocable - that he would still lose his lass forever. He shuddered.
"What's the matter with you?" the barmaid asked, her tone baffled.
Remembering that night all those years ago, how cruel he'd been to Sylvie - and to those barmaids - and how he'd been punished for it, he said, "Sorry, ladies, but I'm married, and I'm acting the fool." An utter fool. He refastened his belt and buttoned his shirt, wadding up his jacket under his arm.
The second one said, "It's not like married men stop enjoying other women."
"This one will."
They sighed, and the first said, "Your wife's very lucky to have you."
"Other way around," he assured them before striding from the room to stomp down the stairs.
Ethan was a man accustomed to feeling strongly, yet he had never feltanything like the growing frenzy that seized him at the thought of Maddy leaving him. Ah, God, he was in a bad way. He wanted the love of one woman, craved it, coveted it. Likely about to lose it.
Tumbling a pair of tavern trollops. Bloody brilliant, Ethan. What the hell were you thinking?
What time was it?Three thirty . The coach arrived at five. If he rode hard, he'd make it back to Carillon in time. But if he went back to her empty-handed, with only tired promises, she still might go. He could ride for the village's registrar office to try for a special license, but he would risk missing her.
Unfortunately, he could never predict her behavior. If she left before he could reach her, she might make up her mind never to take him back. Hell, it might be too late anyway, after his own behavior over the last few days - but he had to try.
Deciding quickly, he rode straight for the registrar's. Doubts about the secrets of his past continued to resurface, but he pushed them away.Get her , his mind kept commanding.Make her yours.
Ethan would figure out the restafter he made sure she didn't leave him today.
He stormed into the registrar's office more frantic than he'd ever been. The village official was understandably terrified of the unshaven, scarred Highlander smelling of whisky and pounding his fist on the counter. Ethan dimly heard the man relating that it would take days for a special license, and himself replying that this was sodding Scotland, the land of marital loopholes - oh, and that he would build the village a grand new church in exchange.
A church - what a fitting penance. Forty-five minutes later, marriage license in hand, he ran from the building, mounting up and riding hell-bent for Carillon....
Ethan's father had once told him that a man would know the woman he was meant to be with because she made him weak. Till he claimed her and she made him strong.
Maddy had only been waiting for him.
His gut tightened when he spotted the posting coach up the hill, nearing Carillon, and he raced even faster. Barely beating it to the drive, he dropped from his horse, his wound aching.
He caught sight of her standing at the end of the drive, her bags at her feet. She looked like a perfect lady, wearing her black kid gloves and her hat with the sheerest black veil falling to her cheeks. But at the same time, she appeared cold as ice. He knew without a doubt that if he'd missed her, she would have left him and never looked back.
He wanted her so much, wanted her for the rest of his life. And the remarkable thing was that, as of yesterday, she would've accepted a bastard like him. Would she now?
Brows drawn, struggling to catch his breath, he held up the license. "Marry me, lass?"
She tilted her head.
Wee sionnach, wary as ever. And why wouldn't she be? He'd never made the smallest effort to make her feel comfortable or secure. She hadn't been selfish to insist on the marriage - she'd been savvy. "Ten o'clock tomorrow morning. If you'll have me, Maddy, I'll be good tae you," he said with conviction, withfeeling . Because he meant it. "I've been a bloody fool tae treat you this way."
"Why have you been so cruel?" she asked in an inscrutable tone. "Youcame to Paris forme, remember?"
He strode toward her. "And that was the best damned decision I've made in my entire life." He swallowed to see the coach was nearing. "Maddy, I ken I've been acting like a bastard. I said that you could no' do better than me, but that's no' true in any way. I know it more than anybody." He raked his fingers through his hair. "I never lived my life thinking another would share my name. My name and I are a bit...tarnished. You'd probably do well to leave me right now - no matter how badly I want you to stay."
She glanced past him to the coach. She didn't seem even to be listening to him.No, she has to stay.
When he stood just before her, he said, "Maddy, I doona know if I'll be any good at this, at being a husband, but Iwant tae be. I want tae assume my title again and watch over our lands. But only if you agree tae be my lady. If you can just see your way tae forgive me - "