“Feel too what?”
“I don’t deserve this.”
Her heart broke. She’d never taken Brian for a guy who suffered from lack of confidence. He’d always been so vibrant and sure of himself. Why would he begin to have doubts about his self-worth here in her arms? Surely nothing she’d ever said or done led him to believe she didn’t think he was good enough for her.
“It’s not about deserving,” she said softly.
“You’re probably right, but it’s the easiest way I can sum up the situation. I can’t be who you need me to be.”
“I only need you to be you.”
“No. You need more, you need better than me. You’re everything that’s beautiful and innocent, and just looking at you this way makes me feel like a filthy, debauching bastard.” She opened her mouth to protest there was no reason he should feel that way, but he laid a silencing finger on her lips. “At the same time, it makes me want you more than anything else in my life.”
She kissed his fingertip, opened her mouth to let it slip between her lips, her teeth. He shuddered against her, groaning when she sucked gently on it, drawing it deeper. His erection ground against her thigh, sending a thrill through her stomach. Until he abruptly pulled away from her. “Christ, Candace.”
Damn him. What did she have to do? Who did she have to be?
“You know,” she said, “I’ll never be able to get filthy and debauched with you until you let me get a little bit dirty.” She hated herself for the way her voice broke at the end, and for the tear that slipped from the corner of her eye. Maybe he couldn’t see it.
No such luck. He wiped it away, staring down at her with an appraisal that made her feel stripped way more nak*d than she was.
“We could take it slow,” she said, thinking it incredible and maybe slightly pathetic that she was having to talk him into this. Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around? “I liked it when you touched me. A lot. I wanted more. I think I just needed you to take more time.”
“The things I’d like to do to you,” he murmured darkly, lowering his lips to the hollow of her throat.
“Do some of them,” she whispered, shivering. “Or just one. Do one thing. Please?”
When he lifted his head, she could hardly see his expression in the near darkness, but she had the sense he was debating whether staying was a good idea. She was debating it herself. If he didn’t want her, why torture herself by making these memories? At least before, he’d only been a fantasy. Now she knew what he tasted like. What he felt like. She knew the scent and warmth of his skin and the feel of him touching her more intimately than she’d ever allowed anyone else. But the words were out there, and she wouldn’t take them back. She couldn’t have let go of him if the building caught on fire.
“Take this off,” he murmured, urging her up and reaching behind her. A brush of his fingers against her back, a momentary tightening of her bra, and then it loosened, undone. She bit her lip as the straps fell down her arms, and then the cups when he tugged them away. He’d just seen her moments ago. Still, she wanted to cover herself, afraid he would find some flaw that would turn him off. She forced herself to lie back and not give in to such a virginal impulse. He was being skittish enough about this and she was actually afraid of scaring him away.
His gaze moved over her as gently as the fingertip that stroked the side swell of her breast. Her n**ples tightened agonizingly for that touch, so close and yet too far away. She closed her eyes when he moved his hand away, traveling down, farther and farther, until he grasped the gaping waistband of her jeans.
“And let’s lose these.” She lifted her h*ps from the bed to help him, feeling the rough denim slide down her buttocks, her thighs. In a moment of heart-stopping shock, she realized her panties had gone with it. The air from the ceiling fan swirled over her nak*d thighs, then her shins, and finally her feet as he flung the garments to the floor. She shivered though she was burning up inside.
Brian surveyed every square inch of her in the near-dark, as if committing it all to memory. His hand closed on her ankle and moved up her leg inch by inch. Thank God she’d shaved. “You’re so beautiful, sunshine.”
He shouldn’t do that. Not now. She didn’t want to lose it completely. “You can’t see me well enough.”
“I can.” His hand roamed higher, to the crook of her knee. His fingertips skimmed behind it, and she drew in a breath as he grazed that soft skin that was so seldom touched. “And I can feel you.”
A whimper escaped her. “I want to see you, too,” she said.
“You will.”
Finally, he lowered himself over her and grazed her lips with his. She couldn’t help herself, her arms went around him and she cradled him between her legs. He was hard everywhere she touched him, from his h*ps holding her thighs apart to his smooth, firm back muscles beneath her hands to his chest pressing against her br**sts. The thick ridge beneath his jeans rubbing against her clitoris with every one of his movements…oh, Lord help her, that was the hardest part of all. How would that feel thrusting into her? She thought of the way his fingers had singed her. That feeling magnified? She wouldn’t survive it.
He kissed her gently, teasingly. His entire demeanor had changed since her revelation. It was all the more heartbreaking for her. Their tongues danced around each other, and it was so sweet she wanted to cry. Not just these stray tears, but really let the dam burst. It was everything she’d ever dreamed of since she first decided boys were something that might be of interest to her, and she couldn’t have it, not like she wanted.
Brian’s hands found hers, his fingers intertwining with her own. “I could lie here and kiss you all night,” he murmured against her lips. That sounded nice to her. She realized that their bodies had involuntarily begun to move with each other in a semblance of lovemaking, spurred on by the natural motions of the water mattress beneath them. She thought the easy, fluid rocking alone was going to make her cli**x. Heat permeated her lower belly, spreading languorously throughout the rest of her.
This wasn’t enough. She needed his hands on her. His mouth. As if reading her mind, he eased down her body, still keeping her hands pinned in place, to tease first one nipple and then the other with his tongue. His hair fell forward, long enough to tickle her skin, and she writhed on the bed helplessly, bringing her knee up to press her groin tighter to his. That mouth of his would be the death of her. Hot as fire and unspeakably skillful. When it began to travel down her stomach, kissing a slow, damp trail, panic flared through her even as she wanted to purr in ecstasy. Oh, yes yes yes…
He let her hands go, moving his own down to keep her legs splayed wide. She was near sobbing now, especially when he stopped and lifted his head, apparently admiring his handiwork as he stared at her tattoo. “When I told you to be creative if the lucky guy came along, I never in a million years thought it would be me.”
“Me either,” she whispered. “But I wanted it to be.” When he lowered his head and nuzzled between her thighs, she reached frantically to grab his hair—not wanting to stop him, but what else was she supposed to do? “Brian!”
“Shhhh.” Warm wetness slicked over her clit. She nearly came undone, clenching up all over, gasping in shock. He chuckled softly and she felt the breath of it on her enflamed flesh. “Never?”
“Never.”
He groaned, the vibrations of it soaking into her, causing her legs to jerk in his hands. “Hang in there, I’m nowhere near done yet. And just a warning: when you come, I’m giving you two fingers. You’ll need them.”
Unable to form words, she merely gave a soft cry.
“I won’t hurt you.” Beneath the gentle kisses and licks he was bestowing on her p**sy, she felt his fingers stroke her entrance. Not penetrating, but letting her know they were there. Ready and waiting.
Oh, but he didn’t play fair. He built her to orgasm so hard and fast she didn’t have time to prepare. Or maybe she’d been on the cusp already. She only knew everything that had been accumulating inside of her over the past week all converged at once, and flew out of her as soon as he closed his lips on her cl*t and sucked. There was no resisting it. She went into a million pieces and every one of them screamed his name.
So many nights she’d lain here and listened to the couple next door bang the walls and raise the roof getting it on; now they could probably hear her. Brian took the moment a contraction wrenched her so hard she arched off the bed to slide his fingers in, and she sucked them in greedily. The stretch dismayed her, but he’d been right, she wanted it. Her body was in a place beyond pain. All the stress, all the anger, all the love, seemed to explode out of her and at one point in the madness, she thought she laughed.
The only thing she could think as she slowly floated back down to earth was that this was nothing like the orgasms she gave herself, and she could get used to it.
Brian raised his head, planting a kiss and then a gentle nibble on her inner thigh. “Mmm. Seems you needed that,” he murmured.
“Oh God, oh God… I’m s-sorry.” Her mind scrambled to right itself as her face flamed. Every bone in her body had melted, but she was shivering uncontrollably.
“Don’t apologize. Come here, sweetheart.” He prowled up the length of her body and lay beside her, pulling her tight against him. She absorbed his strength, his steadiness. Tried to sync her breathing with his just as she’d done in his parlor. His shoulder was pressed against her lips, and she sank her teeth into it without conscious thought, holding on for dear life.
Silent minutes passed and finally she trusted herself enough to speak to him without bursting into tears. “I had no idea.”
“That it would be so good?”
“Yeah.”
“Or you might’ve done it a long time ago, huh?” he teased.
“I’d still want to wait for you.” She hoped she was wrong, but she thought she could feel the unease creeping into him at the implication that she’d been saving it for him all this time. She hadn’t been, really, but only because she’d never thought there was a chance in hell she would end up here. If she had, she might not have allowed another guy to get close enough to even put his arm around her.
“You’re sweet,” he said, trailing his fingertips up and down her spine. “I can’t believe there hasn’t been anyone. I know you’ve dated.”
“That’s not the equivalent of putting out.”
“It’s not?” He laughed, and she smacked him on the arm.
“No, it’s not. I’ve dated a few guys. None of them did anything for me. Then there was an incident…” She trailed off, not sure she really wanted to tell him about that. She should have known he would pick up on it. Suddenly his voice wasn’t low and seductively rough, but sharp and like the crack of a whip.
“What incident?”
The memory was still as vivid in her mind as it had been the day after it happened, but she no longer felt the crushing panic in her chest she’d felt then. Surely it would be safe to share it with him without freaking out. “It was something that happened at Deanne’s graduation party. This guy was drunk and wouldn’t leave me alone, and he ended up trapping me in a corner, pulling a forced seduction bit. I’d let him kiss me at first, but when his hands started wandering, I tried to push him away and he wouldn’t stop. He got his hands under my shirt and was saying really nasty things in my ear. I guess to everyone else we looked like another couple making out in the corner, and it seemed to go on forever before anyone intervened. Deanne’s fiancé finally dragged him away, but he was Tyler’s friend so they were all playing it off like it was so funny. Saying, ‘Oh, don’t mind him, baby, he’s just drunk’. But for a minute there, I was scared to death. I couldn’t stop shaking afterward.”