I grit my teeth, ignoring her. “Sure, I can talk. Just a sec.” I took a moment, trying to exude ‘human concern’ as I turned back to Braden and the gang. I had a feeling I was scowling more than frowning, but whatever. “I’m sorry, guys, but I have to take a rain check.”
Ellie sat up, worried. “Is everything okay? Do you need me to come?”
“No, I’m okay. Rhian just really needs someone to talk to. It can’t wait. Sorry.” I chanced a glance at Braden and found he wasn’t just watching me. He was studying me. Suspiciously. My eyes dropped quickly. “See you later.” I walked away to their calls of goodbye and stuck the phone back up to my ear. “I was being concerned,” I grouched at Rhian.
“Anyone who knows you, knows that’s not how you sound when you’re concerned.”
“Well, luckily, they don’t know me.” Or not… Braden was sure looking at me funny.
“So you really don’t like this Ed guy?”
I winced, remembering my lie. In an effort not to get into the whole Braden thing with Rhian, I’d lied and said that Ellie’s friend Jenna’s fiancé Ed was a bigot and I didn’t want to be around him, but I also didn’t want to hurt Ellie’s feelings by saying no to the picnic. I felt bad about maligning Ed, but I didn’t think it mattered too much since I wasn’t expecting him and Rhian to ever meet.
“Nope, I don’t.”
“You know I’m not buying it, right?”
I almost stumbled. “Buying what?”
“You talk about Ellie all the time, Joss. I think I can safely say I understand enough about the woman to know she wouldn’t be friends with a f**kin’ bigot. Like I said, you can’t lie for shit.”
Huh! That was so not true! “I can lie. I am a damn good liar!”
“Oh that’s right, yell that out while you’re still walking away from them.”
Shit. I glanced around to make sure I’d put enough distance between us. I had. My heart slowed. “You’re a pain in the ass,” I grumbled, forgetting she’d just done me a favor.
She made a pfftt noise. “You’re the one who lied to me. Seriously, what’s going on?”
I sighed. “Can this be one of those things we don’t talk about?”
“No.”
“Please, Rhian.”
“Have you spoken to your therapist about it?”
I frowned, wondering why she’d ask that. “No…”
“Fine.” She sighed heavily. “I won’t ask about it, as long as you promise to talk to your therapist about it. And you may lie, but I know you would never break a promise.”
“Rhian-”
“Promise.”
I shook my head. “It’s not therapy-worthy.”
“If it was worth lying to me about, then it’s therapy-worthy. Sort your shit out, Joss, and promise.”
“Fine,” I agreed, but only because I knew it was Rhian’s grumpy way of being a good friend.
***
Dr. Pritchard had flowers on her desk. I smiled. She had taken note.
“You lied so you wouldn’t have to spend time with Braden?”
I squirmed, wishing Rhian hadn’t held me to my promise. “Yup.”
“Before, when I asked you if you were attracted to Braden you said ‘I was’. Past tense. Were you telling the truth?”
No. “Maybe not.”
“So you are attracted to him?”
Oh what the hell… “I’ve never been attracted to anyone as much as I’m attracted to him.”
The good doctor gave me a wry smile. “Okay. But you’re avoiding him even though he’s made it perfectly clear that he’s interested in you. Are you afraid of him, Joss?”
Honestly? “Yes.”
“You have no intention of having any kind of relationship with him?”
“Were you not here when I told you about my past with guys?”
“That’s not the same thing. For a start, you know Braden.”
“I don’t want anything to do with him, alright.”
“You’ve just told me you’re extremely attracted to this man. When you talk about him, it’s clear to me you like him, so, no. I wouldn’t say you’re alright—you don’t want to want to have anything to do with him.”
“Same thing.”
“No it’s not. Why are you afraid of him, Joss?”
“I don’t know,” I retorted, pissed off with the topic and with Rhian for making me discuss it. “I just know that I don’t want to start anything with him.”
“Why not?”
Jesus C, sometimes it was like talking to a brick wall with this woman. “It would mess things up. With Ellie, with me, with him. No.”
She tilted her head to the side, her expression blank. She was good at this. “Joss, maybe it’s time to stop thinking fifty steps in front of you and just let things play out naturally.”
“The last time I did that I woke up in bed with two strange guys and no panties.”
“I told you that’s not the same thing. You’re not the same person, and Braden is not some stranger. I’m not telling you or asking you to do anything you don’t want to do, concerning Braden or otherwise. But I am suggesting you stop predicting the future and take each day as it comes. Not forever, not even for a few months. Try it for a few days, a few weeks even. I know it might be scary, but just… try.”
***
As I had been for the last few weeks I was working Saturday’s now at Club 39. Ellie had gotten home earlier around dinner time, stuffed full from the picnic, and quite willing to just sit with me while I shoveled down some food before I needed to get ready for my shift.