“Have there been others?”
“There have.” I brushed past him to get inside. I was done with the small talk. There were things to be said, and saying them outside wasn’t my preference.
He followed me in.
I waited until I heard the door shut behind me before I turned to face him. I’d planned to hit him straight up with the news that I’d seen his video. But those weren’t the words that came out. “Hudson, why don’t you ever tell me that you love me?”
“Where did that come from?” He looked like I’d slapped him. Considering that I wanted to, it was a pleasing outcome.
However, it wasn’t the response I wanted. Not in the least. And I had enough liquor in my system to keep me pursuing the answer I wanted. “It’s a valid question.”
“Is it? My methods of emotional expression haven’t seemed to bother you before—why now?”
“Hasn’t bothered me?” I was incredulous. Did he really not know how desperate I was to hear it? “It’s always bothered me. I’ve been patient, that’s all. Letting you settle into our relationship. I realize it’s all new for you—you’ve never let me forget it. But it’s new for me too. I’ve bared all my heart to you. And you can’t give me this one thing—three things, actually. Three little words.”
“You know how I feel about you.” He turned away from me and headed toward the dining room bar.
It was my turn to chase after him. “But why can’t you say it?”
“Why do I need to?” He poured himself a Scotch. “If you understand, there’s no point.”
“Sometimes it helps to hear it.”
“Helps what?”
He was so controlled, so even-mannered—it drove me insane. I raised my voice. “Helps everything! Helps deal with insecurity. With doubts.”
He set the bottle on the counter and pivoted toward me. “What are you doubting? Us? What we have? I asked you to live with me. I changed my entire life to be with you. What is there to doubt?”
“Your reasons. Your motives.”
“My reasons for wanting you with me are I want you with me. What more do you need to know? You want words? They can be changed and manipulated and misconstrued. But my actions—they speak everything that you need to know.”
His words were calm and soothing and, at another time, would have melted me. There were many actions he’d shown that backed up what he was saying. Too many to do an inventory of in the space of a few seconds.
But there were other actions—the ones that were ambiguous and hard-to-interpret. Lunch meetings with Norma Anders. Purchasing the club for me before he’d even known me. And there was the video.
I wrapped my arms around myself, suddenly cold. “If I’m going by your actions, then right now what I know is that I’ve been lied to.”
He took a swallow of his drink, his jaw moving the liquid around his mouth before he swallowed. “What are you talking about?”
I straightened my back for the moment of confrontation. “I saw it, Hudson. I saw the video.”
“What vid—”
I punched my fist onto the dining room table. “Don’t even f**king pretend you don’t know what video I’m referring to, because after everything we’ve been through, I don’t deserve the runaround.”
His eyes were locked on mine, so I saw the brief flare of panic.
And then I saw the moment he resumed control.
“Okay. I won’t run you around then.” He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Where did you get it? Stacy?”
Where did I get it? “Does it matter?”
“I suppose not.” His tone was straight.
My gut clenched. I’d expected immediate denial or reassurance that it wasn’t what it looked like. I’d expected answers. Not this. Not complete indifference.
“You were kissing Celia.”
“I saw.”
“Do you want to explain?”
“Does it matter?” He threw back my own words at me.
“Yes!” My composure was gone. Only he could fix me and he wasn’t even trying.
He moved back to the bar and refilled his drink. “It was before I met you, Alayna. I haven’t asked you to explain your actions before we met. I shouldn’t be expected to either.”
I gaped for a moment while he threw back his liquor. Of all the responses I’d imagined he’d give, downplaying wasn’t one of them.
“But this is different,” I finally managed. “Because you’ve already offered an explanation. You said there was never anything between you and Celia.”
“There wasn’t.”
“I’m supposed to believe that after seeing what I saw?”
“Looks can be deceiving.” His voice was a low rumble. The only indicator of emotion since I’d brought up the video.
It incited me. “That’s all you got?”
“You’ve told me there’s nothing between you and David, yet there’s been many a time that it has looked like there was.”
“It only looked that way because you were paranoid and jealous. You never saw me lip-locked with him. Believe me, seeing it is worse than you can imagine.”
He placed his fingertips on the back of a chair and leaned toward me. “I’m sure if I went and looked at old security tapes I might see exactly that.”
His words were cold and harsh and spiteful. It was times like these that Hudson’s gift to manipulate showed itself. It was frustrating and unfair how he could mold a situation to his favor, but I understood that it was a part of him. He wasn’t trying to play me.
Knowing that didn’t make it any easier to deal with. “Yes. Once upon a time I was with David. I’ve told you that.”
“After you let it slip and I figured it out.”
“Jesus! Will I always have to pay for that mistake?” He didn’t answer, but I didn’t give him time. “Okay, I wasn’t forthcoming. I kept things from you. But only because I didn’t want to hurt you, and I admitted it when you confronted me. But this—you outright lied about this, Hudson. You told me there was nothing to see on Stacy’s video. You told me I didn’t need to go looking.”
“And you went looking anyway.”
“No. I didn’t. I stayed away. Until I found out that you were deliberately trying to hide it from me—yes, Stacy told me you’d asked her for it. Was I supposed to keep trusting you then?”