I smiled tensely, eager to get her alone. “Sorry about that. Stuff came up.”
“The fact that you sought me out here leads me to believe that it wasn’t good stuff.”
“Some of it was. Very good stuff. And some of it definitely not good stuff.” I glanced toward an empty table in the back of the room. “Do you have time to talk?”
She held up the brown paper bag she’d been clutching. “As long as you don’t mind me chowing down while you do.”
“Chow away.”
I didn’t talk until we were seated at the table. Then, I filled Lauren in on the highlights of the past week—the shift in my relationship with Hudson, moving into the penthouse, seeing Paul again, the secrets I’d kept, and finally, what Hudson had done regarding David. I was quick about it, knowing that Lauren’s lunch was only an hour. When I was done, I felt worn out, like I’d been throwing up for the last thirty-five minutes.
Lauren took a napkin and wiped her mouth, her lunch long finished now. “Well, that’s quite a week of events. What have you learned by saying all of that out loud?”
This was one of her favorite therapy techniques—turning a venting session into an opportunity for self-examination. “I don’t know.” I was out of practice at this. I took a deep breath and thought a moment. “I see my culpability in Hudson’s betrayal. I kept secrets from him first.” It was difficult to admit, but crucial. How could I expect him to think that being honest and upfront was a must for me? I certainly hadn’t demonstrated the same to him.
“Very good. What else?”
God, wasn’t that one enough? I searched for more. “I’ve realized I don’t know how to handle my feelings. I used to cling and obsess when I felt off. What am I supposed to do instead?”
“Exactly what you’re doing. You deal with them constructively.” Lauren sat forward, her hands clasped on the table in front of her. “Listen, honey, being healthy doesn’t mean you don’t feel things anymore. You will always feel things—good and bad, depending on the day, depending on the minute. That’s called life. Being healthy is talking your emotions out, writing them down, realizing that you don’t have to do anything to change them. Sometimes you just have to ride them out.”
“Well, that sucks.”
“Doesn’t it?” She sat back in her chair. “There’s something else I want to point out that I don’t know if you’re seeing.”
Lauren usually avoided highlighting issues that her clients hadn’t stumbled onto themselves. She believed that if someone couldn’t yet see the forest, then they weren’t ready to deal with it. If she was pointing it out to me, it had to be vital. I wrung my hands in my lap. “What’s that?”
“Hudson—I don’t know him personally, but his behavior sounds familiar.”
For a minute I wondered if she’d encountered him at some point in therapy of his own. I knew barely anything about his treatment programs. I guessed it was possible.
But then I realized what Lauren was getting at. I felt the blood rush from my face. “You mean, he sounds like me. Like me in the past.”
“Jealous, manipulative, deceitful.” She ticked them off on her fingers, one horrible adjective per digit.
Hearing the words on her lips made my gut clench. “He’s really not like that. You’re making him sound worse than he is.” Reducing Hudson to such vile behavior was wrong. He was so much more.
“I’m not making him sound like anything. Those are attributes you used to use to describe yourself in therapy.” Lauren cocked her head. “Why do you think you were that way?”
A wave of memories cloaked me, things I’d rather not remember about myself, emotions I’d felt, motives for my behaviors. I always hated wading through the remembering to get to the learning. It made me nauseous and light-headed.
I closed my eyes to ground myself. “Because I felt unloved. Because I was desperate to get the guy I wanted. Because I didn’t think there was any other way to get noticed.”
“Do you think those might be the same reasons Hudson’s done what he’s done?”
I opened my eyes. His words from earlier replayed in my head. I’m merely staying committed to my plan—to you, Alayna. Everything I’ve done has been to protect our relationship and our future.
I had no doubt that he’d meant it. That he honestly believed he was doing what was best for us. It wasn’t the right action, but his intent was decent. Moving, in fact. Was that a good enough excuse for what he’d done?
Lauren read my thoughts. “Look, I’m not validating his behavior. Or yours. It sounds like you both have a lot of work to do before you know how to function together. I’m simply giving you some perspective. It seems you’ve been able to connect with each other because you both come from similar places. Maybe you should use that experience to understand where he’s coming from. It’s a start, anyway.”
My lips drew into a frown. “So what—do I just forgive him?”
“No. You could walk away.” She said it so easily, as if the task would be no big deal.
Leaving Hudson—I couldn’t even entertain the idea. It would destroy me.
Lauren studied me. “You probably should walk away. But I’m sensing that’s not in your plans.”
“No, I don’t want to leave him. And it kills me that right now he probably thinks I’m doing exactly that.”
She smiled. “Then there’s going to have to be forgiveness. It doesn’t have to be unconditional, though. Tell him you understand him. Thank him for his good intentions. Then explain to him what will happen if he does anything like that again.”
“That doesn’t sound too horrible.” Actually, it sounded like heaven compared to losing him altogether.
“Understand, though, that you’ll have to be able to back up anything you say. If you say you’ll leave him if he does it again, then you need to leave him.”
“I don’t want to think about that.”
She winked at me. “I’m sure you don’t. Also, he could put conditions on you. If he finds out you’re keeping more secrets, for example. He could walk.”
“Guess I better come clean on everything to him before any conditions are delivered.” I had to tell him I’d been meeting with Celia behind his back. Honestly, it was the lightest of the secrets I had carried and I had little doubt that he’d forgive me for it. Still, the air needed to be cleared completely.