But it wasn’t like that.
He hadn’t said he loved me because he was exactly like his dad. He was too nice to kick me out, yet I had been too stupid to notice. I kept pushing him until – he felt trapped. By me.
“I’m sorry,” I said dully.
I walked past Constantijin, and I almost stumbled at the pain as I did.
Drake called my name as I reached the doors. “Yanna---”
Humiliation, complete and excruciating, flayed my entire being when I realized that he probably heard and seen everything. Stupid Yanna, of course he would have. “Please, Drake," I whispered. "Don’t tell my parents about this.”
“I won’t.”
When he started to speak, I shook my head, knowing that he wanted to be my Mr. Fix It again. But it just wasn’t the right time. “I just need to be alone.”
I walked out of the office, the building, the first step to walking out of the f**king mess I had created because I didn’t know when to cut my losses. I started to cry when I reached the bus station, and I cried harder when I got on the bus and realized I had absolutely no money with me. Turning to the guy waiting in line at my back, I sobbed out, “C-could I b-borrow some money? I p-promise to p-pay you---”
He hastily gave me a twenty. “No need to pay me.”
He looked scared of me. Maybe he thought I was crazy, and it made me cry harder for some reason. “T-thanks,” I sniffed as I shakily handed the bus driver my fare.
When I got home I wanted to burst into tears again.
I didn’t even have keys to Constantijin’s pad either!
Walking back to reception, I sobbed out to the old man behind the counter, “C-could I, like, borrow your spare key to our unit?” God, I was so miserable I was talking like a ditz to everyone!
Like the guy at the bus, the concierge was just as quick in giving me his spare set of keys. I guess men were really that allergic to a woman’s tears. Somehow, this thought also made me cry more and I sobbed all the way up to the elevator.
It felt good to cry. It really did, and I let it all out when I reached the room Constantijin shared with me. It didn’t feel right at all to call it ours now. After throwing all the clothes my suitcase could handle, I struggled to zip it closed. The door crashed open just as I dragged it off the bed.
Constantijin appeared unkempt, which was a rare sight. In fact, it was the very first time I saw him like this, like he had run straight into a hurricane to get here. For a moment, I could only stare at him in shock.
Constantijin Kastein was like Martha Stewart – the six-foot-plus gorgeous male version, that is. You just never caught him looking less than perfect. Until now.
“What are you doing?” he asked hoarsely.
Wasn’t it obvious? I wanted to say the words, but I just didn’t have that much energy. What little I had left needed to be expended on getting the handle of my luggage extended out.
He crossed the room, reaching out to me with one hand. “Yanna---”
And that was when I lost it.
I slapped him.
Constantijin and I stared at each other, and I didn’t know who was more shocked between us.
"Oh God, I'm sorry," I whispered, staring at my hands, aghast at what I just did. I slapped him a lot of times before this, but those were...accidental. This one wasn't. It wasn’t like me to deliberately slap someone. Flipping someone the finger had been the rudest thing I had done in my life and yet here I was, slapping someone...and actually feeling good about it. This just wasn’t me – and it made me remember of the many times I kept thinking how I was never like myself when I was with him.
But not anymore, I thought to myself. Not when it was over between us. The thought almost sent me to my knees.
“I’m sorry,” I said again even as I refocused on yanking the luggage handle out.
"I deserve it." Constantijin's voice was strained.
I pretended not to hear that. He shouldn't be saying that, not after everything.
He reached out for me again. This time I only tried to struggle, but this time he also didn’t let go, forcing me to turn around and look into his bleak silver eyes.
"Just stop---just stop saying I love you," he told me in a raw voice. "We'd go back to how we were in the past, just stop saying it! I don't even get why you have to say it. If you love me, fine. But you don't need to say it. I never asked you to."
My entire body jerked at his words.
Constantijin looked like he wanted to take the words back. "Dammit, I shouldn't have said it like that---"
"No, you said it honestly," I managed to counter dully. I just wanted him to go away right now. I wanted everything to go away and just sleep. "You're right. You never asked me to say the words but I said it all the same." I swallowed. "But Constantijin, if you didn't like hearing it, why just not tell me directly? Why did you have to try hurting me and driving me away?"
Because maybe---maybe if he had explained then I wouldn't have been so stubborn.
But now it was too late.
Constantijin didn't answer. Instead, all he said was, "Let’s just think things clearly---"
"No."
Constantijin's face whitened. "Yanna---" His voice shook. "Don't do this."
"I'm leaving." I said it more for myself.
Just one more time. Hadn’t I promised that to Alex?
I gave him another chance, but he had hurt me again. So I had to keep my promise.
“We’re finished---”
"No!" His voice was so fierce that it made me glance at him in stunned confusion. “You don’t have to leave.” Constantijin made a visible effort to lower his voice, even though agitation was clearly written all over his face.
I shook my head, even more painfully bewildered. What was this? Didn’t he want me to leave all along?
“You shouldn't leave. We'll talk things through. You just don't say 'I love you' and things will---"
I stared at him helplessly. "I can't. I don't like feeling ashamed just because I love y---someone."
He flinched.
Furiously blinking the tears away, I tried to give my suitcase’s handle another yank and this time my fingers finally had enough energy to pull it all the way out.
"You can't leave," he gritted out.
I ignored that and walked past him while wheeling my suitcase next to me.
Constantijin gripped my arm. "If you leave this building, I’ll release your f**king na**d video on the Internet.”
I let go of the handle in shock. “What are you saying?”